Flashback Friday: Play Ball!

Today is Cleveland's home opener. Hopefully, it won't be snowed out. Regardless, I'm happy it's baseball season. If I can run once for every game in a season, I'll be happy -- because I doubt I'll be happy with the performance of my team this year.

The start of the Indians' season signals the end of March. I'm still looking for that Spring weather. Until then, here is last month's statistical rundown:

• Total Miles: 22 miles (five runs)
• Highest Weekly: 7 miles
• Average Weekly: 5.5 miles
• Average Pace: N/A (no watch used)
• Longest/Fastest Run: ~5 miles @ ~10:00 pace
• The Monthly Dif: 0 miles (22 miles in February)

Time to get serious. 

Back Talk
Wherein we set records straight. 

KWB has a quibble about my Goose Island news: "Actually Stella Artois bought out Annheiser [sic] Busch a couple of years ago. It was a big deal and people in STL started shaking in their boots for fear of layoffs. But SA stayed true and kept AB doing what they do. So, blame SA and not AB."

Answer: Actually, that's not entirely true. As Al mentioned, InBev is the company that bought Anheuser-Busch in 2008. However, the official company name is now Anheuser-Busch InBev.

David has a quibble about my My Antonia review, or rather my comment to that post: "Quit hatin' on PBR - every can I've opened was a blue ribbon winner."

Answer: Cool it, killer. I didn't say one disparaging word about your shitty Blue Ribbon beer.

Happy Hour is happening all day today, as the Viper has taken an R&R day from work. Have a finely brewed weekend, teammates. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

99 Problems

When I first started this blog, I was as obsessed about reader stats as I was about my running numbers. The thrill of a new reader has wained, now that I see the kind of pain in the ass a regular audience can be.

Thankfully, my Back Talk section each Flashback Friday helps me spout off at those snarky comments I receive throughout the week. However, I have taken notice of my Drunkard Teammates, or "Followers," as Blogger prefers. It seems 99 of you are brave enough to publicize your devotion to Team BHI. That's pretty rad -- and perhaps a tad foolish of you.

Last Friday, we had our first semi-live Q&A in the comments section. I might try that again. Thanks to those of you who participated. To sum up:

• I have always drunk good beer. (Sun Runner) 
• For Happy Hour, I had Stoudt's Fat Dog stout. (Jamoosh)
• But I was hoping to try Great Lakes Doppelrock.
• I'd punch Ian and Nitmos in the face at the same time if given the opportunity. (Xenia)
• I want to travel many places. (X again)
• I'm getting Baptized next month. (And again)
• Sunday, I finally tried the Doppelrock, a very easy to drink and deceptively alcoholic (7.5 percent ABV) doppelbock, which at $1.75 a glass would be helladangerous. (Laura and Gin)

Weather and demotivation have devastated the running plans. Better luck this week. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: The Unbearable Blacklight of Being

The Enthusiast was on the phone with me when I discovered the black light installed above my hotel bed in Houston.

All I could think of was the episode of Family Guy where the Quohog TV news station uses a black light to show the unseen filth in hotel rooms, and livestock appears when the light is turned on.

In my case, it was a disturbing mural of hearts and rainbows on the walls and a starscape on the ceiling. By the door was a depiction of palm trees and sail boats. I couldn't bear to pull down the bed covers to see what kind of mural might be there.

All was forgiven, though, after an enjoyable morning run and a bottle of tasty stout on my last day of travel. Still, I'm awe of the strangeness of the Scott Inn & Suites.

Back Talk
Wherein we consider safety first. 

Barefoot Josh is envious of my hotel location: "Are you off of Scott St? That has a pleasantly treacherous looking sidewalk for a few miles."

Answer: You have no idea how treacherous. My taxi driver told me I'd be fine as long as I didn't buy any of the services I'd be offered.

Xenia considers the consequences of my hydration plan: "Morning drinking before a flight? The flight crew is just going to love dealing with you."

Answer: I didn't even mention the Bloody Mary I had at the airport.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheer!

Flashback Friday: No Early Spring Here

Well, the ski resorts should be happy with the recent dumping of snow we got last night and throughout today. I suppose that's better than earthquakes and tsunamis. (Too soon?) The running has been curtailed this week by a twisted ankle the Enthusiast suffered last weekend while we ran over a snow covered trail in Canada.

She turned the ankle landing on the edge of the paved path. Luckily, we were fairly close to home base and were able to get her off her feet and apply ice immediately, so it's not as bad as it could have been. We're hoping to put it back to work this weekend, when thankfully we'll have more snow covered paths with which to contend. Hooray!

Back Talk 
Wherein I appreciate all your ideas about being a race spectator. 

Thank you for all the suggestions about watching the Enthusiast run the Cleveland Half Marathon. She likes my placement and wants me to carry a balloon and maybe wear a tutu. Hopefully, Spike won't mind wearing a matching outfit, as Red suggested. Laura suggests a dry-erase board, which will come in handy for games of tic-tac-toe during the waiting around periods. Of course, I wouldn't have any of those dull moments if I followed the advice of Nitmos.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Nope, Not Me

I'm trying to use the Enthusiast's motivation to run a half marathon as a stimulus to get out the door myself. As usual, the Ohio winter sneaked up on me, but as I walked Dobson this morning my body started to feel more at ease in the frosty weather.

My silly toe socks have been shipped, and I'm looking forward to closing the gap between where my tights end and my Vibram KSOs start.

It occurs to me now that I could have borrowed my fiancee's leg warmers for this purpose. Then would have been running like a maniac!

How sexy would that be?

Oh well. Lost opportunity.

Back Talk
Wherein you couldn't pick me out of a lineup

Misszippy was hoping she caught a glimpse of me playing the banjo in the recently ended nice weather: "I couldn't get the volume to work so I can't enjoy the pleasure of your banjo! But at least we can finally see what you look like."

Answer: Not unless I shaved my beard and got a different banjo. As Barefoot Johnny O said, that's Barefoot Josh on the gob iron. And David, those are Carolina boys in that video, not Yanks like me. Let this be a lesson to you: Not every banjo player you see online is me. In fact, only one is.

Here's a Yankee banjo player with a name apropos of this blog, Tom Collins: 



I'm getting closer to playing "Breaking Up Christmas" without screwing up. Sunday will be the big test, as I get together with my monthly old-time jam mates.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Bring on the Savings

I have been looking forward to this weekend for months. Finally, it's Daylight Savings Time. I will gladly give up an hour of sleep to gain an hour of running time.

Don't get me wrong. I love getting all dressed up in my brightest, most visible running gear to run after work and still have to dodge cars driven by unobservant drivers. As you read this week, I also enjoy straining my eyes to avoid the roadside ditches.

Running in the dark can be a blast, but I'm ready to put it away for the season, along with my long underwear.

Last night may have been my last dimly lit run for a few months, before I start building up marathon mileage. I took a 40-minute runabout tour of some side streets to check out a neighborhood I've never seen and a few houses that I dream of purchasing.

Back Talk
Wherein the Michiganders outperform other commentators two-to-one ... in idiocy.

Sun Runner was a bit surprised at the snow in sunny Ohio: "All that sun and 40-ish temperatures weren't enough to melt the vast piles of snow which greeted me at the Towpath Trail on Saturday morning. I walked from the parking lot to the trail, took a look, said, "No thanks" (well, in reality, it was more like "no fucking way") and immediately drove the 25 minutes home.

"You could have at least warned me! :)"

Answer: Oh, I'm sorry, were you not paying attention to my posts about all the snow? I think the Towpath is finally clear, as of today.

Mike A. seems to think my virtual race performance was lacking in technology: "Is it worth ending up in a ditch just because you hate Garmin?"

Answer: How would a Garmin help me avoid running into a ditch in the dark? Wouldn't it just tell me how far I fell and how fast?

Nitmos thinks his shit doesn't stink: "Is it always spring in Ohio cuz....?"

Answer: I just drove through your state last weekend. You shouldn't be tossing stones from that glass house--a run-down looking glass house at that. And would it be too much to get out there and clean up the trash on the side of the highways?

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Mecca Lecca Hi ...

Tomorrow is the opening of Team BHI's race season, and boy are we ill-prepared. I've barely run nine miles in the last two weeks. I haven't cracked a 10-minute mile pace since Jan. 23. Hell, I haven't even registered yet, costing me another $5 for race-day sign-up. And now, I have to guess my time to win tomorrow's Frostbite Prediction Run.

The closest I have come to predicting my finish time is 49 seconds. Historically, I have always underestimated myself. Except for that time I got screwed when the race directors surreptitiously changed the distance from four miles to a 5-K. No, I'm not still bitter about that. Why do you ask?

The course is a double loop through a park, covering mostly asphalt walkways and roads, but also includes a brief stretch through a field. In the past, the ground has been iced over, and I doubt this year will be any different.

Last year, I used Nitmos's totally flawed race prediction formula and lost. This year, I will try a new tactic. My prediction is based off the averages of my recent fastest pace (9:15 on a four-miler), my last two paces for this race (9:04 and 8:39) and my PR pace (7:14).

Race Forecast: 23 degrees, 70 percent chance of snow, 14 mph wind from the East
Race Prediction: 26:34

Back Talk
Wherein this post is already too long so let's get on with it already.

Jess thinks Dobson the Straggler went to the vet to socialize: "Hope he's had all his vaccinations if you're taking him to the dog park. Especially his rabies vaccine."

Answer: We didn't just to him to the vet to ask about running. Dobson got his last round of puppy shots and his rabies vaccine. He got his rabbis vaccine too.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Dr. Viper Saves Your Marriage

So, I get this e-mail from this guy David, whose permission I did not ask to print his name so at least I'll be courteous and withhold his last name. Those of you who have e-mailed me know that I don't commonly reply because I don't want to be pen pals with any of you. But this one tugged at the ol' heart strings -- and snapped off a few of the cold, dead ones.

David wrote:

Mr. Viper,

I've been reading your blog for about a year and enjoy your stories and comments -- thanks for writing.

I noted in your last post that you ran a 20-miler with a cycling companion. I've been considering asking my wife to ride while I ran my long runs, but wasn't sure how well that would work.

[Yadda, yadda, yadda deleted]

I'm heading toward 60-mile weeks -- which means I need to include my wife if I want to stay married.

Any comments/wisdom/advice would be much appreciated. I don't know, maybe this whole thing is a bad idea ...

Thanks,

David

Well, people, I'm here to tell you that this whole thing is a bad idea. Don't you know that you're not supposed to share your passions with your significant other? And spending two to four hours alone with that person? Also a dumb move. What are you going to do, talk to each other? Why, that could lead to a closer relationship and better understanding between you two.

Regardless, here is my priceless advice. But don't say I didn't warn you.

The biggest challenge for the biker is your slow-ass pace. The biker should expect to ride about half as fast as normal to match your running pace. I run between 6-7.5 mph, which means two to four hours in the saddle during those long runs. That makes for one painful ass, but that's why they make those silly-looking padded shorts.

Recommended gear:

• Silly-looking padded shorts
• Bike computer that measures miles per hour and distance
• Rack/bag for extra water bottles, food, etc.
• Mirror for road running/biking
• Hand-held water bottle or belt (you both need your own water)

Benefits of running with a biker:

• Unloneliness of a long-distance runner
• Pacing control
• Motivation
• Distraction from brutal mileage
• Let's face it, it's nice to have your own mule for extra supplies

Things to watch out for:

• Traffic
• Taking up more space as a biker/runner unit
  
• Getting passed with no room to move over
• Avoiding collision with biker/runner
• Tire-popping pot holes
  

David also had a few specific questions:

• Is your pace compatible with the cyclist on long, steep uphills? On steeper grades, yes, a runner can keep pace or outrun a bike. However, the biker should ride ahead for the bigger hills to maintain momentum. The runner can play catch up.
• What does the cyclist do on long downhills (when gravity wants to carry them away from you at 15 mph)? Depends on the hill and traffic. If it's convenient, the biker can brake to the runner's speed.
• Do you have the cyclist carry fluids/gels? If so, do you exchange on the go? Yes, have the biker carry extra water, sports drinks, gels, etc. (See recommended gear above). Exchanging on the go is possible, but if the runner is grabbing something from a bike-mounted bag, be sure not to disturb the biker's balance.
• Do you have any advice for negotiating traffic? Communication is key. If one of you hears/sees an approaching car, cyclist, speedier runner, etc., tell the other and fall in line. The biker should pedal ahead and the runner should slow down and move behind the bike when passing or being passed. Make sure you follow the five-second rule when you are passing others.
  

One final note: Make sure the biker knows how much you appreciate the company and remember that the biker's ass hurts as much as your legs do. David, your wife may ask you to give her a butt massage after a long run. Don't complain about it.

And there you have it. Marriage: saved. Running: enriched. If any of you have further suggestions, please say so in the comments. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Compensating for a Small Goal ... you thought I was going to say something else, didn't you?

After taking it in the comments last week from some of you, I have readjusted the pacing goals for my weekly track workouts. I was still training with pacing in mind for the 10-K earlier this month. But now it's time to focus on the marathon and my four-hour goal.

I will now shoot for 1:45 or less per 400 meters instead of 1:40. And when I do 800-meter repeats next week, I will shoot for 3:35 or less instead of 3:25, which would have only meant a 50-percent FAIL had I made this adjustment last Thursday. Let's see how my new pace goals panned out for me.

And now the statistical rundown:

• Intervals: 9 x 400 meters
  
• Goal pace: Sub-1:45 per interval (7:02 per mile)
  
• Lap 1: 1:38.33 (6:34 per mile)
  
• Lap 2: 1:41.18 (6:46 per mile)
• Lap 3: 1:42.14 (6:50 per mile)
• Lap 4: 1:36.35 (6:26 per mile)
• Lap 5: 1:35.94 (6:22 per mile)
• Lap 6: 1:45.77 (7:02 per mile)
• Lap 7: 1:42.28 (6:50 per mile)
• Lap 8: 1:46.33 (7:06 per mile) FAIL
• Lap 9: 1:42.9 (6:50 per mile)
• Average pace: 1:41.25 (6:46 per mile)
  
• Total distance: 6.2 miles

[Drunkard's note: Total distance includes one mile warm up, 400-meter recovery laps and one mile cool down.]

Sorry, Nitmos, just one this week. Here's the monumental link again for your viewing pleasure.

Back Talk
Wherein apparently we have to review the material we've already covered this year.

Xenia is just jealous that I have good supporters on my kick-ass training runs: "The only problem with the cyclist support crew is that they won't be there on race day."

Answer: 1) Actually my cyclist supporter will be there on race day, just not following me on a bike, 2) I will also have my usual cheering section(s), 3) I will have about 10,000 fellow runners to keep me company throughout the race, 4) I will have great crowd support as Akron does a great job cheering on the marathoners, and 5) my previous experience at this race should help.

Funnyrunner and Morgan are so unfashionably late to the party in their questioning of my running without socks and having to groom my blisters.

Answer: I've answered this before. I'm not going to go over sockless running again.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend, and good luck to all you racers. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Hip to Be Square

Why must the beginning of marathon training be met with pain? My left hip is barking from deep inside what I like to call the high butt area (which now you'll all edit to read I have pain deep in my butt). Perhaps this aggravation is from all the left turns I made last night at the Circle of Doom.

And now, the statistical rundown:

• Intervals: 5 x 400 meters
  
• Goal pace: 6:26-6:42 per mile
• Lap 1: 1:38.63 (6:34 per mile)
• Lap 2: 1:38.81 (6:34 per mile)
• Lap 3: 1:36.1 (6:26 per mile)
• Lap 4: 1:40.04 (6:42 per mile)
• Lap 5: 1:41.1 (6:46 per mile) FAIL
• Average pace: 6:34 per mile
  
• Total distance: 4.2 miles

[Drunkard's note: Total distance includes one mile warm up, 400-meter recovery laps and one mile cool down.]

This weekend appears ripe for a couple good runs. I look forward to concluding my first week of marathon training. It's important to build determination by completing all the runs in the early stages. I feel confident in this plan.

Back Talk
Wherein I'll try not to be a total dick when I address your comments.

Thanks for the heartfelt semi-quasi-encouragement this week regarding my quest for the -- what now? -- sub-four-hour marathon. Dean at Zero to Boston says: "Go Viper! May you suffer as your heart desires!"

Answer: Just keep telling me I look great no matter how dire the situation appears.

Mike at Running is Funny on my training plan: "I've use [sic] a modified [Hal] Higdon plan for both of my marathons, but I strongly feel the Intermediate II plan was far superior because you do half the distance of your long run the day prior. ... Rest or an easy day before your long runs makes your long runs easier, but I think it makes your marathon harder."

Answer: And thanks to Mike, I've already tinkered with my training plan to give this a try, as I was using Higdon's Intermediate I plan. Now, my schedule is set -- for now.

That's all for this week, teammates. Happy Hour is nearly upon us! Have a finely brewed weekend and good luck to those of you who have races. Run well and drink well.

En Garde!

This week I was challenged to a duel. And I accepted.

After reading my Monday post, Mike at Running Is Funny suggested we face off during our respective Memorial Day 5-Ks. The winner gets well nothing at all really except bragging rights.

Mike's 5-K PR is exactly one minute faster than mine, which -- contrary to his blog title -- isn't funny at all. And his most recent 5-K was 20 seconds faster than my PR. Still not funny.

Despite his record of being faster, I've got youth on my side, as I'm about 20 years younger. And I'm not coming off an injury. And all my scientific research tells me I'm on the upswing of my running life, while I'm just going to propagate the potential lie that Mike is on the downswing, as his old brittle bones are letting the back of the pack catch up to him.

I've run two consecutive 20-mile weeks with another on the way, and Mike has run 12 miles (allegedly) in the last six weeks. I ran six repeats of 800-meter intervals at an average 7:35 mile pace last week, while Mike ran a 1.75-mile loop at 8:10 pace yesterday.

My biggest advantage, however, is you, my dimwitted readers.

Many of you have already played into my hand by rooting against me at Mike's site. I would expect nothing less. Keep it up. I love nothing more than playing the villain. Even if you start rooting for me, I'll know you are lying. Your negativity feeds my fire. I can feel your anger. Yes! Yes!

[Drunkard's note: Insert diabolical laugh.]

Jump to Conclusions Mat

You people sure like to rush off the deep end when I make ambiguous statements like I did Friday.

"Keeping quiet? Don't want to jinx it? OMG! Is Viper talking about his f'really real personal life?"

No. And, never.

I was close to logging 20 miles for the week for the first time this year. All I needed was a long run of eight miles.

Done. Now I'm talking about it. You can stop hyper-ventilating now.

And then there was the non-ambiguous statement about cat piss. Never did I mention tasting cat urine, only smelling it. A difference. There is one.

Are we all cleared up now? Good. Moving right along, then.

We have more snow. I ran in it. Eight miles with Martini on Sunday. I in my YakTrax and he, well, not.

This is how bad it was: Martini fell three times. I didn't fall once, but it felt really slick, what with all the rain that fell before the snow to create a nice bed of ice underfoot.

Also, I went to a yoga class that morning before the run.

It was pretty good. I am not someone who likes group activities. But I am someone with the opinion that one should attempt things he is not normally accustomed to liking. Because you never know until you try yadda yadda yadda.

The Yoga Lounge in nearby Hudson, Ohio, offers a free class to first-timers. (If it's free, it's for me.) It was a nice setting and the instructor was very welcoming and helpful. I was the only n00b in the class.

I am impressed with how challenging it was and with the dull ache that currently resides in a few of my muscles. And coupled with my long run, I felt pretty destroyed for the remainder of Sunday.

Prior to class I was waffling about my run. Outside it was snowing and in the low 20s. After yoga I felt loose and ready to fly.

I would go to yoga again, but it would depend on the cost.

Flashback Friday: Bringing Up Old Shit

It's been a slow week, and I don't just mean my pacing. HEY-OH!

Weather, demotivation and other interests have kept me from running this week. Yeah, there has been some beer, but nothing too notable (except Bell's Special Double Cream Stout). I have had nothing worthy enough to bother myself with wasting your time. But then something happened.

I received a comment.

I know, I get a brazilian comments, but this one was special, namely because it ripped on Nitmos. And I love when people rip on Nitmos.

However, this particular comment was posted to a blog from Oct. 8, 2008, as I was preparing for the Towpath Marathon and contemplating a negative split approach, after Vanilla had sent me this link to the WebZealot. The topic seemed kind of old. But what else is Flashback Friday for, if not to rehash something from last year?

It seems the WebZealot was doing some rehashing of his own yesterday and came across my ever insightful post, and he took exception to Nitmos's comment.

As a refresher, here's what Nitmos said:

"Have you practiced negative splits? It's a discipline more than a strategy in my opinion. As long as your body is trained to accelerate at maximum fatigue, more power to you!

Good luck. I think you'll succeed because you sound extra motivated (or extra drunk ... hard to decipher).

Either way, you're still a fool. That's what we all appreciate about you.

Go get that PR!

And now, WebZealot:

"Nitmos- So because the negative split is a discipline, it should be disregarded as something for the elite runner? Did training for your marathon not take discipline? Does your running in general not take discipline?

I certainly think it does. So why should you toe the line on race day and suddenly throw discipline out the window? Going negative doesn't take practice so much as it takes common sense and patience. It's not like your suddenly being asked at the 16 mile mark to start laying down five minute miles. All it's asking is that you use the first half of the race to set up the second half so that you can run at a pace (albeit a quick pace) that is within your ability level.

Look, I'm not trying to be hard on you or anyone else ... But I think the negative is a good approach for ANYONE regardless of ability. Sure, it is not without its downside ... You MAY finish feeling like you left too much on the road. But personally, I would rather finish that way than straggling across the line after walking the last four miles, feeling like I had just been run over by a truck.

Most folks who poo-poo negative splits have either never given them a real honest try, or can't come to grips with the notion that their target time is simply out of their ability range. There is no shame in that. On paper, negatives can seem daunting.

Kudos to Vanilla [Drunkard's note: This is how you know I didn't make this up] for being able to burn it up out of the gate the way he does and still hang on ... But I'd be willing to bet running negative would net him an even better time.

Viper, I'd be curious to know what you end up pulling off...

Let the bickering begin!

Of course, most of you know that I pulled off a double negative, which in mathematical and linguistic terms means, basically, FAIL.

My own take on the negative split argument is that WebZealot and Nitmos are both right idiots.

The strategy didn't work for me at the Towpath Marathon, but I learned a few things:

• Negative splitting is hard
• Though my second half was a positive split, I still PR-ed
• I felt better at the end than I did in my previous two marathons
• My four-hour goal may have been too ambitious, especially given that it was my second marathon in two weeks
• The negative split merits a second try
• But I need to practice the discipline throughout my training.
  

Back Talk
Wherein even though I just posted two tldr comments, I'm going to post another one because that's the kind of regurgitation you've come to expect every Friday.

After I mentioned I had ice in my beard when I finished my 1,000-mile journey, joyRuN, tfh, X-Country2, Ms. V and MCM Mama expressed concern about my facial growth. Thankfully, my shift-button challenged friend, the erratic epicurean, came to my rescue: "hear this blog readers, the viper looks very nice with a beard. it hides his ugly mug!" [sic]

Answer: See? What were you all worried about?

And Xenia asked if the picture from that post was the infamous Towpath.

Answer: Nope.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us. I hope you have a fine weekend brewing. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Conservatively Compassionate

Two things I liked during my seven-miler last night:

• The two young men on the street corner who dropped a beat a when I ran past them, a perfect rhythm to my imperfect stride. The beat was in my head for the rest of my run.
• The fellow in the SUV who pulled alongside me when I approached an apartment driveway, stopped in the road, and waved me on when I looked at him. He gets the Good Motorist Award for communication and courtesy.

One thing I didn't like:

• The schmuck who pulled his junker sedan halfway into the bank driveway I was crossing and then looked at me as if his right of way was being violated. This clever move forced me to stop running before he completed his turn. This jackass motorist gets added my ever-growing list of grievances (previously stated here and here).

Only 160 miles to go.

Sitings Elsewhere
Payback is a bitch.

Sarah gives thanks to me (and a few others).

Apparently, I'm Ms. V's fountain of youth. Read on to find out what mine is.

Captain TL;DR (or GQ to most of you) thinks I'm a wounded soul and, for some reason, a red-head. It's not the first time, nor the last, that he's been wrong.

Vanilla doesn't think too highly of my snot-rocket technique. Fair enough, I never thought highly of him.

Marcy shares the struggle to run.

Mike at Running Is Funny didn't think I was funny this week. Coincidentally, neither was he.

Reader Contributions
Well, wouldn't you know it, one of you actually wrote something in the comments worth sharing. There's a first time for everything.

Ms. V shares some very important lab studies, which if successful will help the Viper live for 120 years. Some drunk geeks at MIT have been brewing "BioBeer," which contains a specially engineered yeast that produces resveratrol, the anti-aging chemical found in red wine. [Drunkard's note: Team BHI reported on these benefits of red wine and some additional health benefits of beer in February.]

Back Talk
Wherein I hurt your delicate feelings to make myself feel better about myself.

Joyrun tells me how I should have reacted to the Jackass in White Shorts: "I woulda passed him & tripped his sorry ass up on the way. But hey, I'm a vindictive b*tch like that."

Answer: Yes, you are.

Al is a little more compassionate about my fall: "I would have asked if you were ok, and seeing that you were, then laughed."

Answer: This seems to be a common sentiment among my jerk readers.

Turi is a little too fixated on cockles: "Warm cockles. Yeah, that's why I'm doing early morning runs on the treadmill. Too chilly out. Didn't think of trying cider. How do you apply that to the cockles?"

Answer: We'd have to use a bone saw to open up your chest plate and pour the cider directly on your heart to warm the cockles. Dr. Viper is willing to perform this back-alley surgery for a nominal fee.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Enjoy your weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Out of Breath

Well, this is it, folks. All I have to do from here on out is make it to the starting line. The Towpath Marathon is Sunday, and I'm feeling charged from all this breathing, hydrating, carb-reloading and electrolyte replacement since the Akron Marathon.

I've got my training and my past races under my belt, and I'm feeling primed and ready to break four hours. And because I know there are a few other bloggers out there getting ready for a marathon this weekend, I thought I'd share some of my veteran advice, gleaned from my own experiences.

Ten things to avoid on race weekend:

1. Do not fall into an open mine shaft
2. Do not contract plague or the creeping crud
3. Avoid, at all costs, Vienna Sausages
4. If you don't know what Vienna Sausages are, do not find out
5. Do not go to jail without passing go
6. Do not go to Camp Crystal Lake
7. No bear wrestling at your local pub
8. Hold off on any shoe modifications
9. Do not play Russian Roullete with any 'Nam buddies
10. Do not offend the wake-up guy

Back Talk
Wherein I ridicule my readers for their preposterous comments over the past week. This installment features two new commenters, and you know how I like to roll out the red carpet for these special visitors.

New commenter ECrunnergirl starts off on the right foot regarding Tuesday's post: "Amazing man! I'm like you ... a numbers cruncher and goal setter!!! Hang tough and shoot for the moon ... a four-hour marathon is within your reach but remember to enjoy the journey! Best wishes from the East Coast!"

Answer: Numbers cruncher? The East Coast must not be known for its powers of observation. You should see me try to add up my Yahtzee score. I need help remembering to carry the one.

The erratic epicurean on my decision to run a second marathon in two weeks: "[Y]ou're fucking nuts. [I]s that why we're friends?"

Answer: That, and because you're a worthy drinking compadre.

Not-yet-a-marathoner Xenia gives me some marathon strategy pointers: "Does the Towpath marathon have pace teams or are you stuck pacing yourself for this race? If the former, then I can see your strategy working. If the latter, I'm not so sure. Not that I know anything at all about marathoning, but that's my two cents."

Answer: No, there are no pace teams. So thanks for totally jinxing my weekend. I'd appreciate it if you kept your cheap-ass advice to yourself next time.

Sarah thinks maybe I'm too into this whole breathing thing: "I'm beginning to wonder if you should have enrolled yourself in a Lamaze class. Will tomorrow bring breathing exercises part 5? You know, if you hyperventilate and then choke yourself, you can make yourself faint ..."

Answer: Who am I Michael Hutchence? Now that's what I call a new sensation. (Zing!)

New commenter Brooke wants me to play a game: "I've just started reading your blog, and I love it. So I'm tagging you ... check mine for details."

Answer: Thanks for reading, Brooke, and also thank you for tagging me to write six random things about myself and then tag 10 other people to do the same, because I really want to tell everyone about some personal things in my life that I hope will humanize me in the eyes of all my wonderful readers, as I don't think you all really have an appreciation for who the Viper really is in real life, so let me start off by telling you one of my guiding principles: I don't play tag.

Good luck this weekend to all you racers out there. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Stop Hating on Akron

Akron, ain't she purdy?

On my past two posts, I've gotten some flack about the Akron Marathon, which has really bunched up my panties in an uncomfortable way.

In particular, some supercilious new reader commented on Friday's post, "Akron. A marathon in Akron? Why?"

Well, I'll tell you why, Ms. Jerky Pants. And I'll tell you with another list because that's how creative I am.

10 Somethings Why a Marathon in Akron

1. I live in Akron, duh!
2. My boss pays my entry fee
3. Do you get the Goodyear blimp flying over your marathon?
   
4. The great course support helps to avoid pants-shitting
   
5. I've already mentioned the route, but you can see for yourself
6. Superman that, yo!
   
7. I don't want to get a DUI by driving some place else to run
8. Similarly, I don't want a DUI from driving back after post race celebrations
9. I like free shoes
10. Don't trust me? How about Runner's World?

Now, the question is, why am I wearing these panties?

Back Talk: Special Blue Line Edition
There was plenty to say about Monday's post.

That same supercilious Ms. V from above also asks: "You DO know that Akron is the birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous, right?"

Answer: Do you think I fell off the wagon yesterday?

Vava says: "Akron also gave us Chrissy Hynde of The Pretenders, so it can't be all bad!"

Answer: Chrissy Hynde can take her fancy restaurant and dive off the All-American Bridge for all I care.

[Drunkard's note: I take offense to her characterization of people in Akron and Northeast Ohio. Oh, wait, you were saying something in support of Akron ...]

Big asks: "I don't understand, does the blue line go through the 15 (or so) bars, or just past them? That would seem to make a big difference."

Answer: It depends on the runner.

Adam asks: "But why is the blue line needed? Is Akron the Bermuda triangle of marathons? Do countless runners inexplicably go missing without the line's guidance? And why hasn't someone repainted the line to guide everyone off the course?"

Answer: Apparently, marathoners are directionally challenged. Even the Olympics had a blue line.

(Source: Associated Press photo via Miami Herald.)

Ted asks: "Akron??? The birthplace of rubber tires - Goodyear! Does the road feel rubbery?"

Answer: As a matter of fact, yes, some of the roads are rubbery.

Flashback Friday: Too Busy to Bother

This is all you get.

Back Talk
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get it. Your comments, my responses. Read on.

Vava had a rather perverted response to my Nathan QuickDraw Plus review: "Yes yes yes... But does the nipple pass inspection?"

Answer: That's kind of a personal question to ask a complete stranger, isn't it?

Can't Get Enough of Me
Since you all love reading about me and I don't have time to provide such reading, you should check me out in the other corners of the innernets.

Vanilla accepted my sportsman-like handshake and curiously wants a picture of me. Creepy.

Nitmos showed his usual supportive self in congratulating Vanilla and I on our recent PR challenge and has a delusion of meeting us in his town. Dream on, pal. We get it: you're jealous.

Praise Happy Hour. Run well and drink well.

Flashback Friday: Mano y Mano

Hear ye! Hear ye! Ladies and gentelmen, boys and girls, can I have your attention please? A challenge has been issued to your mild-mannered boozehound, a challenge of speed, of grit, and of wit. He who bests the the other's personal best shall earn shit-talking rights for all of eternity however long it takes for one of us to set a new PR, thus negating this challenge.

In the far corner, wearing the white trunks and sporting a half-fast stride: Vanilla.

In the near corner, wearing the blue trunks with red trim and wielding a bifurcated tongue: the Viper.

Vanilla has announced that his sole goal for his upcoming half marathon is to beat my PR of 1:54:49 by a mighty second so that he can, by some twisted form of mathematical wizardry, be two up on me by having two PRs faster than mine in what he describes as the four major distances: the 5K, 10K, half marathon and marathon.

It's all very convoluted, and I really don't have time to explain it to you right now. But currently, and confoundedly, he is one up on me by having one PR faster than mine, the 10K. I was never very good at math so I'm just going to have to trust that one to three is one better than me, whereas two to two is two better. Folks, Vanilla is not just Half-Fast, he's also half-smart.

However, the real drama of this challenge lies in the coincidence that I'll be re-attempting the 50-minute 10K on the same day he tries to beat my half marathon time. (So much for DNB-ing that race.) In the end, Vanilla could own both PRs. Or we could be even up. Or I could own all four PRs, restoring balance to the galaxy.

Intrigued? Well, stay tuned anyway!

Back Talk
Wherein I take your comments from the last week and throw them back in your face with exceptionally witty banter. But first, a prepared statement ...

You people are some Nitmos loving so-and-sos. I call the guy an idiot a couple times and you get all defensive. Oh, "he's on vacation." "That's a low-blow." "There's a better way." "He can't stand up for himself." Oh, the freakin' humanity. Give me a break, Nell Carter!

Ahem ... moving right along.

S shows off her mighty math skills and debunks my lagging mileage theory: "Only 68.1 miles? please ... based on 22 weeks left in the year ... that's like a measly 3.1 extra miles a week. :-P Easily done."

Answer: Oh, I see, you carried the one.

Regarding the same post, Xenia (who already got her link, darn it!) seems to think I'm a bit persistent: "You've well proven you're stubborn enough to crack 1,000, so it seems like the only thing that would hold you back would be crappy winter weather. You might have to do something seriously distasteful and *gasp* use a treadmill to reach your goal. Better you than me. :)"

Answer: The only time I have ever used a treadmill is while traveling. I was in Chicago in February and had already fallen -- drunkenly, mind you -- into a slush pile the night before and didn't want to chance another slip. But never again.

New commenter Betsy for some reason doesn't think my proclamations are all that memorable: "Sorry, I forgot everything you posted because I am too busy singing that song."

Answer: See what I did there? Proclamations, Proclaimers ... get it? Jeez, you people are daft.

Offering to lend me her kids the next time I'm at the track, Marcy was all like, "Gimme a call next time you're out there. I'll unload my demon seeds on the track for you. Hell, I'll even let you plow them over a couple times :P"

Answer: And I'd be all like, stomp, trip, tumble.

New commenter tfh marvels at my intellect and stretchy band skills: "I've sent a stretchy band snapping across the room a time or two but that story beats any of mine for the sheer genius with which you managed to do it."

Answer: Some day, with practice, you can be as awesome as I.

Well, teammates, have no fear. Happy Hour will soon be upon us. Run well and drink well, especially if you're running a 20-miler this weekend like me. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: The Fortress of Solitude

[Drunkard's note: Team BHI wholeheartedly supports boozing to overcome last night's booze-induced trauma, but be sure to avoid actual hair of a dog. If you're into these goofy pictures, go to I Has a Hot Dog for more.]

Still no review of The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner. I couldn't pull myself away from Superman: The Movie and its incredibly loud and inconceivably frequent commercial breaks, which allowed me ample time to clean my whole apartment and discover the $40 I hid from myself two weeks ago and had forgotten all about.

Back Talk
Oh, dear readers, how you amuse me with your clever, acerbic and mostly inane commentary. Now, for the world to see!

Nitmos suggested some important improvements to my new running hat: "The hat is missing the side beverage holder and straw for hydration. The first marathon fueled by Jameson? Could be you."

Answer: These modifications are forthcoming, but the tools I bought for the project say not to operate when under the influence of alcohol. Who knows when that'll happen. Meanwhile, I've been dropping weight to account for the added weight of liquor.

Roisen criticized my choice of post-run refueling: "I'm all about the chicken wings ... but Labatt? Where was Jamesons?"

Answer: Ma'am, don't you worry about it. The Jameson will get its reps. Besides, they don't sell ice-cold 22-ounce drafts of Jameson. But boy howdy if they did ...

Regarding my toddler encounter at the track, many of you said I should have plowed over, hurdled, punted or mowed down the toddler while developing a game of some sort.

Answer: What's wrong you people?

Apparently, I gave Xenia a complex with my offhand comment on her possible -- but clearly not verified -- loveliness. She says, "I'm perplexed. How does one verify their loveliness? Do I need to submit signed affidavits, report cards, a bribe?"

Answer: What's the pounds-to-dollars exchange rate these days?

[Drunkard's note: Team BHI does not accept personal checks, nor cheques.]

Sadly, I was too slow with providing solutions to rid your liquor cabinets of neglected bottles. Sarah admits her alcohol abuse: "My solution to my compulsive booze purchase of Absente was to pour it down the drain after five years in the back of the cupboard. I tried to get into it in a sort of 'I can be all cool and 'Continental' in a turn-of-the-century Bohemian Parisian' kind of way ... didn't work."

Answer: Let this be a lesson to you all. I've had real and fake absinthe. Both tasted terrible. One was worth it. So I guess I can't condemn your actions too much. Did your drain at least smell like licorice afterward?

Have a fine weekend, teammates. Happy Hour is nearly upon us! Run well and drink well.

Drying Out Is Fun

This week the Viper starts the Dreaded Pre-Race Detox Plan. There were so many comments from my poor, concerned readers that I thought I shall further address this topic. Let me start off by discussing what I drink when I'm not drinking.

Bitburger is light enough to qualify as non-alcoholic. I've got two in my fridge and it's still on sale.

What?

You thought I was giving up booze altogether? Did you forget which blog you were reading? Detox simply means I won't be on a bender for the next two weeks. Sadly, though, I will remain relatively undrunk until the race.

That means two weeks to ponder these thoughts that I usually wash away. Two weeks to allow my sorrows to float. Two weeks of being sob ... sso ... sssss ... the filthy S-word.

Sarah and Laura both mentioned their post-boozing PRs. To which I say, see my 5K and 10K PRs. Been there. Done that. Thanks for playing.

New Flavor
After my final long long run yesterday before the Cleveland Half Marathon, I rehydrated with some Flying Dog Tire Bite Golden Ale. This actually isn't new to me, but it's been so long that I forgot what it tasted like and was very pleased to be reminded how good the Flying Dog lineup is.

I first started drinking Flying Dog beers because Ralph Steadman does the cover art and Hunter S. Thompson endorsed the brand and his quote, "Good people drink good beer," adorns the label. It also just so happens that I've rarely been disappointed with their flavors.

Reasons to Drink
Today is not Mexican Independence Day, despite what you gringos think. Yesterday, I was drinking for another regional holiday. However, it was much easier to drink tequila and eat tacos than find something more fitting.