What? Where am I? What year is this? Who has awoken me from my peaceful cryogenic sleep? Someone get me a fucking drink.
Hello, my name is Viper. It has been two years, two months and a day since my last post. Let's first dispel the idea that I'm returning. No. I am not. But let me tell you something, there will be one more post after this one. And it's going to be a crummy commercial.
I guess it's fitting that this post arrives while you're all recovering from your St. Patrick's Day hangovers. While you had kegs and eggs, I ate a green cookie for breakfast on my way to work.
This post is just to see if anyone still remembers me. You see, I still run another blog
that you wouldn't stop midway through your routine three-miler to deposit two shits into that nasty portable toilet along the side of the running path to acknowledge the existence of this said other blog
. Yet every time I log into the Blogger dashboard, two things bother me.
One is that my total posts to the Booze Hounds Inc. Running Team
sits at 1,098. Two entries shy of a nice round 1,100. Make that ONE shy, now.
Second, you idiots still visit this long dormant site. As of this writing, there were 414 pageviews here last month. Dude, did you not realize it's been like 789 days since I last wrote anything about running or drinking? Come on! You're better than this.
There are other bloggers out there still producing what I assume is quality content. I wouldn't know because contrary to what I promised in my last post and because as you would totally expect I have not been keeping up with any of my old running blogger comrades. But still, just take a look at the handy list of overrated bloggers I've compiled down and to the right of the page. Those people just wrote something. I have not, except for this. And one other thing coming soon. But that's it. Find your blogging content elsewhere.
What's coming soon is an obligatory review of a product I just got for free because my clout as a blogger is still way bigger than yours even when I haven't written jackshit in forever. The last time I ran it was to catch up to my two-year-old during a walk around the block (testing said product in the process). Yeah, remember when the Viper family had a baby? He's a crazy toddler now. Time flies and makes you feel old as shit.
The only time I ever go for a proper run is when I have to travel for work. I thought things were really turning around last month when I managed three runs (two of which were when I was in Houston for a conference) and logged eight whole miles. I even started up a 2016 running log to track all my stats. I was averaging a tepid 12:37 per mile. I thought this is it. I'm back.
Yeah. No. Haven't run since February 11. Maybe I'll run more now that time has sprung ahead and there's more daylight after I get off work. You should probably hold your breath until that happens. Ready? Go!