No More Mosquito Madness

Pull-up bar (aka laundry hanger)

When the simple solution didn't work, my quest was renewed. This week, the search ended and all is right with the world. My arms are about to hurt so good.

Awhile back I mentioned wanting to buy a pull-up bar for the house so I didn't have to stop at the Sand Run Parcours Trail and get eaten by mosquitoes. When my birthday rolled around, I asked for and received one of those contraptions that wedge into a doorway, but discovered that the wood molding in our nearly hundred-year-old house wouldn't support it. Now, the problem is solved.

Amazon.com had a comparably priced joist-mounted pull-up bar (the one you see above). I placed the order Monday, and it already arrived last night from an independent seller. Shipping wasn't cheap, but it was fast.

The bar is SOLID. As you can probably see in the photo, it provides a variety of grips (close, wide and neutral) for pull-ups, chin-ups and whatever you call the other possible workouts. It is mounted onto a floor joist in the basement. It took four long carriage bolts, which required a bit of drilling. I needed Mrs. Viper's help to hold the bar so I could mark the holes, but otherwise it was simple to install.

I thought about buying materials from a hardware store to make my own bar, but since the doorway bar was a gift, I put some of the refund money toward this prefabricated bar.

This morning, I did five pull-ups and five chin-ups. I want to work my way up to 20 of each and then see what other exercises I can do. And while I have a hard time getting up in the morning to run, it's really easy for me to stumble down to the basement and knock out a few pull-ups before getting ready for the day.

Break in the Action

Monday was the first anniversary of my marriage to Mrs. Viper. We took off work Monday and Tuesday to celebrate in Cleveland, with a nice dinner at the wonderful Chinato and a stay at the Renaissance Hotel at Tower City, where we spent the night a year ago.

While this personal holiday resulted in a break in the action for my dear readers, don't worry -- you didn't miss any running. The wife and I delayed our weekend runs, but plan to get back to business this week. We'd better, as Race Day is only 16 days away. This morning, I received final instructions from the Akron Marathon organizers.

This is real.

In the meantime, I've been continuing my quest for the one-armed push-up. Instead of trying my best to complete this difficult task, I've been working on improving my form with two arms and building up to using just one arm. Some day I'll get there.

Tale of a One-Armed Man

There's no stopping the one-armed man. No, I'm not Richard Kimble or Sam Sheppard, although the rumored source material for The Fugitive TV series and movie was based on an incident in Cleveland in the 1950s. This story involves no murder mystery.

It does, however, involve the struggle of a man with one arm. He is I, and my struggle to be able to do one-armed push-ups.

If you've read my blog for any measurable amount of time, you've probably figured out my penchant for at-home exercises. Perhaps most memorable were the Elevens and Crazy Eights. Now, it's one-armed push-ups, and I'm not even sure where the idea came from, but it's been my focus for the last couple weeks.

You see, I've got these love handles, and I'd rather I didn't.

Some sources (i.e., websites) say that there are two forms of doing a one-armed push-up. One variety calls for a wider stance and a twisting motion. The other variety features the same form as a regular two-armed push-up with feet together and no twisting.

A few of those sources say the first technique is cheating, and the second is the one and only true technique. Naturally, I'm working on the first method.

Whether it's cheating or not, it's damned hard and I feel the effort put forth by my obliques to stabilize my core. Hopefully, this means my love handles are on the outs. At any rate, it's Rocky training montage or bust for this slacker of a runner.

The Viper's Home Strength Routine

God, I hate cross training. But I recognize the benefit of doing exercise that isn't running to benefit my running and overall fitness. Over the years, I've tried many things, but nothing ever sticks like the proverbial spaghetti on the wall.

Most people know that I'm a cheapskate, so it shouldn't surprise you that all of these exercises can be done at home with minimal equipment. Here's what I've been doing this year:

100-Ups
This little drill was all the rage a few months ago after Chris McDougall wrote about it for the New York Times. A website popped up and people were challenging each other to see if it made them better runners. I've found that the drill has strengthened my hips and helped me stop kicking myself in the calves when I run. I do the Major exercise in sets of 20 repetitions (n.b., I worked up from the Minor version first). Here's a good video of the exercise.

Combo Planks
Taken from Jamoosh's abandoned Hard Core Club, I do a series of single and combination planks. Currently, I'm stuck on two sets per side of combo planks (30 seconds each position) with bookends of forward planks.

Dumbbell Curls
This is the only exercise that requires actual exercise equipment. I use either 10 or 20 pounds (sometimes both). I'm up to four sets of 10 with the 20-pounder and three sets of 20 with the 10-pounder.

Chair Dips
With two chairs set apart a bit wider than my hips, I do two or three sets of 10.

Push-Ups
Good old-fashioned push-ups, usually two or three sets of 10, depending how those chair dips felt.

Bicycle Sit-Ups
These are tough after the planks, which is why I save them for last. I do two or three sets of 30. I used to make the mistake of doing these as fast as I could, but I think I get better results from doing them slow and deliberately.

My goal is to complete this routine once a week. It usually takes me 25 to 30 minutes, which is perfect for a workout on an off-day (i.e., from running). Combined with a run, it's an ass-kicker.

Feel free to give my little workout routine a try, and let me know how it works for you. I make the assumption that most of you know what these exercises are, but feel free to ask questions if not. Cheers!

Finding Success

A week of planned runs completed. A weigh-in without a weekend bulge. Waking up early to work out. Yes, the past week was filled with success.

I entered the weekend with two runs on deck, a three-miler and a four-miler, for a weekly total of 13 miles. Saturday nearly got away from me before I managed to slip in a neighborhood run before heading out for the evening. Then I had to wake up early on Sunday to fit in my trail run before a full day of visiting family and playing banjo at my monthly jam session.

While I ate terribly last night, my weight this morning was 175.7 pounds, which is about a half-pound up from last week's initial weigh-in. My BMI is still above 25, but it's trending downward to the "normal" level.

This morning I made myself late for work by conducting my core strength workout. I still mostly complete a shortened version of this routine after my runs, but I'm trying to add one off-run day of exercise. My efforts today were a good start to the week.

On deck is another increase in mileage. Four runs for 14 miles, with one being a five-miler, tentatively planned as a trail run. As you might have noticed, I'm only increasing my weekly mileage by one every other week. This pattern will continue until I reach 10 miles for my long runs, and then I begin my marathon training plan, increasing at a more aggressive rate.

One final noteworthy success last week came in the form of speed. Three out of four runs were completed at a pace under 10 minutes per mile. That fourth run? My weekly trail run. Not too shabby. Let's make it another good week.

Flashback Friday: Early to Rise

My eyes opened at 6 a.m., according to the alarm clock, which means I actually woke up around 5:47. Lying there in bed, staring at the ceiling, I had the sudden urge to plank. I let the notion marinate for about 20 minutes so as to turn off my alarm after it sounded.

[Drunkard's note: You can tell I woke up early by looking at the time stamp of this post.]

Normally, I would hit snooze for another 90 minutes before awaking in a rush to get ready for work. Instead, I decided to sweat this morning with a 30-minute strength workout, which I've long vowed to complete on an off-running day. This was that day.

First was Jamoosh's combo plank routine, follow by three rounds of chair dips (10 reps), push-ups (10 reps), and 10-pound curls (20 reps), and finally back to the abs with two rounds of crunches (10 reps) and bicycle sit-ups (20 reps). I tried to do some 100-ups, but my body fizzled out after only about 25 reps.

Between my three-miler last night and this morning's workout, my weight finally dipped back down below 175 since Monday's ballooning.

Let's see if I can avoid another gorgefest this weekend. The only problem is there's a fresh growler of Irish Setter Red from Thirsty Thursday. Somebody's going to have to drink that.

Back Talk
Wherein we go a little further back for some smack talk

Ironman Kevin thinks shoes are the same as barefoot in the snow: "Time for you to man up. It was 14* here with blowing snow and I saw the distinct footprints of Vibrams on the running path today."

Answer: My Altras are just as minimal as Vibrams. I'm not impressed. But my shoes are not the same as going barefoot, nor are Vibrams. I'm just too much of wuss, whereas others are not.

B. Jarosz thinks I should stop worrying about my weight: "[M]aybe kill your bathroom scale and start measuring your waistline? Muscle is more dense than fat, so picking back up on the exercise is more important than what the scale says on any given day.

Answer: Good advice. I measured around my love handles and got around 34 inches with my Craftsman tape measure, but somehow I don't think it was the most accurate of measurements.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

A Little Something

My streak began with a peculiar abdominal pain that turned my Thanksgiving running plans into time spent packing instead. That pain has since gone away, but the running has not returned, as you well know by now. This morning, however, I got the urge to do something -- anything -- akin to exercise.

At first, I decided to try some "100-Ups," the very exercise that I blamed for that odd gut pain. With that done, I then dropped down and gave myself 20 push-ups. Finally, I rolled onto my back and did a set of bicycle sit-ups.

The effort was a shock to the system that sent blood racing through my veins. I still don't know when I'll run again, but at least I completed a little fitness activity to stay in some semblance of shape. Again, it's the little things.

Flashback Friday: 500, Finally

It may be the last milestone I reach this year: 500 miles.

With an easy, socked-feet run of three miles last night, I crossed the threshold of half my yearly goal. A bit late, I admit, and no time to make up the difference. Alas, this year's final mileage will likely be my least in five years of running.

I continue to turn my noodle arms into slightly stiffer noodles with my "cross training" plan. If anything, I'm preparing my body for the big move next month. Carrying boxes can do a number on you if you aren't careful.

The weather has been extremely cooperative this week, with brisk but sunny days that beg me to go running. Thank goodness the weekend is here.

Back Talk
Wherein we discuss footwear and things that are missing

B. Jorosz wants me to try a different kind of socks: "Have you tried running in aqua socks? (Or whatever they're called - those neoprene things for kayaking...) My Hubby bought a pair for running on rainy/wet days. He swears by them."

Answer: Yes, I have. But I found the brand I got to be too heavy and haven't been inspired to try a different pair.

Jamoosh notices something besides a month being gone: "1 percent is missing. Oh boy, a mystery!"

Answer: It's like when you pour some out for your homeys.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Another Month Gone

Good gravy, is it November already? October flew by with just a handful of runs and barely enough miles to avoid setting a new monthly low for the year. Still nothing looms on the horizon, and I'm just about to break 500 miles for the year. At this rate, I will have set my lowest annual mileage total since I started running in 2006. Here is last month's statistical rundown:

• Total Miles: 23 miles (6 runs)
• Total Time: 4:00:37.8
• Highest Weekly: 11 miles
• Average Weekly: 5.75 miles
• Average Pace: 10:17
• The Monthly Dif: -69 miles (92 miles in September)

Since there's not much excitement in these numbers, I thought I'd also break down the percentage of runs done in each "footwear" choice: Altra Adams (60 percent), barefoot (26 percent), and socks (13 percent). There, wasn't that exciting?

The big goal for November is break 500 miles. I only need six miles to do that. My other goal is to maintain the recent core exercise program I began last weekend: push-ups, planks, bicycle sit-ups, and 15-pound curls. My noodle arms are in pain from the shock of this new routine. I can barely straighten my elbow. 

Puddle Pusher

My running is like night and day, as in I ran last night and then again this morning.

Rains drenched my neighborhood route, and I had to be careful not to create friction and cause blisters on my soles. The last time I tried a wet barefoot run was not nearly as successful as my four-miler last night.

The way I thought about my stride was after my foot landed, I then pulled it backward as I lifted for the next stride. This mentality seemed to prevent me from pushing off.

The wet terrain, however, forced me to slow down and pushed me over a 10-minute mile pace.

This morning, the Enthusiast and I woke up for another round at the par course. We're both seeing improvements in the more difficult exercises, which should translate to some nice toning if we keep it up.

The combination of the two runs puts me ahead on my planned mileage this week, as I kick off a revised 10-week training schedule that I hope will get me ready for the Buckeye Half and Akron Marathon.

Although the new plan is conservative and only includes one 20-miler, I'm hoping the barefooting and trail runs well make up for some of the lacking mileage. Hope in one hand and shit in the other ...

Flashback Friday: Morning Duet

It's move-it-to-lose-it time around the Viper-Enthusiast lair. With less than two months to go until the wedding, we've got fittings to prepare for, by golly! Such motivation resulted in actually waking up and doing some exercise this morning before work.

We dragged our butts out of bed and headed to the par course, which has become my new favorite workout. Since that fateful day a week ago, I've already returned twice more, completing the full circuit of exercises.

The Enthusiast joined me and made me realize just how ridiculous some of these routines are, but I've noticed the results. She also helped me figure out some of the stations, where the little stick man doesn't quite make clear what action you're supposed to perform.

My reverse somersaults on the rings? Yeah, those were supposed to be an abdominal workout where you stand in place and use your core muscles to move your body in a wide circle. However, the Enthusiast's pole hump was incorrect. Good thing it was early and children were not around to witness that one.

Back Talk
Wherein we try to ignore the advertisements that have overrun this blog

Misszippy congratulates me for calling my shoes a bunch of tools: "Good for you. I'm sure your feet will be happiest this way. Wish I had been smart enough to transition as slowly as you have ... one of these days I'll be there."

Answer: Don't worry I'll soon try to go too far, too soon and show how smart I really am.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Winded and Walking

It's embarrassing that I was walking just a half-mile into my three-miler this morning. I couldn't seem to catch my breath. As has been the case the last three weeks, I prefaced my run with sit-ups and push-ups, and now I've added stretchy-band curls to the mix.

This pre-run routine usually leaves me nicely warmed up, but it seems the additional workout went just a little too far. However, that didn't stop me from completing the same routine post-run -- after I finally made it back.

Though my mileage has been limited, I'm hoping this strength and core work will prepare me well for the early stages of marathon training, which I worry I'm not ready for after all the slacking I've been doing so far this year.

I just hope I can manage to run the full three miles next time. On tap this weekend is a longish trail run. My plan this year is to take advantage of the Buckeye Trail and run all of my long runs on this hilly terrain. The Towpath is over.



Back Talk
Wherein perhaps some skills should be left at home.

Xenia shares the frightening reality of the steamy Greek culture: "This is the culture you're marrying into: http://www.dlisted.com/2011/05/20/hot-sluts-day. Be proud."

Answer: Does this mean I need to start practicing this skill on my banjo?

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Steamy Sit-Ups

Eyes bleary from pushing myself up Merriman. The air thick with humidity from last night's rain. The temperature rising to the 60s. I laid on my back after a set of 60 bicycle sit-ups and thought I saw fog rolling into the carport where I placed my workout mat.

I blinked to make sure it wasn't sweat getting into my eyes. Then I realized what I saw wasn't fog, but steam rising off my body. This is a common occurrence during the winter, but it's super badass when it happens in the middle of spring. 

My weekly morning short runs have included sets of push-ups and sit-ups before and after the slog. This morning I found my stretchy bands and did a couple sets of curls. I've always been really good about working on my core as I get my marathon training started, but then I eventually forget about it. We'll see if I can break that pattern. After all, I've managed to get close to being a morning runner.

It seems most of my displeasure from running in the morning was from the jarring of my joints without warning (aka, a day's worth of moving around to warm up), but now I run much smoother after more than a year of focusing on better form.

With the weekend approaching, I'm looking forward to another long trail run, as I build up base mileage.

Running into a Wall

My legs were starting to feel like raspberry jelly after about three miles of up and down trails at Sand Run. The Mingo trail was kicking my ass when I came to where it crossed the multipurpose path. With time running out and my legs wanting to give out, I made the hard left from the rough trail onto the crushed limestone path.

Suddenly, I felt as if I were at the track, accidentally sprinting the next mile to where I could rejoin the trails and finish my run. My legs felt invigorated with the fast pace, the steep hills forgotten.

When I crossed the bridge and then the road to get back on the trails, my legs were shocked and awed. The steep hills did not care to be forgotten. It was if I had run into the Berlin Wall. ("Tear down this wall!") My legs would only let me walk the uphills.

However, when I finished my run, I had logged my second consecutive double-digit mileage week. Already, May's mileage is just six miles from surpassing April's total.

Cross Training Court
Saturday, the Enthusiast and I decided to start a new ritual by visiting our local tennis courts and hitting the ball around. She tried to get me to warm up by doing walking lunges, but my knees don't care for that. We swatted balls back and forth for a good half-hour. By yesterday afternoon, we were both feeling the aftereffects. We're planning another tennis match tonight after work. Hopefully, she won't kick my ass this time.

Remember Sun Screen
I had to wake up early to run Sunday because the Enthusiast's brother was graduating college. We had beautiful weather for a change, and the ceremony was held outdoors. Today I'm nursing my first sunburn of the season. This is a good reminder that we runners should remember to slather on the SPF to avoid the skin cancers.

Almost a Habit
Almost like clockwork now, I woke up this morning to run three miles. I'm looking forward to Wednesday as the weather forecast looks favorable for a dawn barefoot run, with overnight lows in the upper 50s. I'm too chicken to try it any colder than that.

Setting Up the Chess Board

The mark stands at 1:49:09. That will not stand for long.

Sunday is my fourth running of the Buckeye Half Marathon where I set my current personal best in 2008 and one of my favorite races overall. Last year I sacrificed a PR in an attempt to mimic my pacing strategy for the 2009 Akron Marathon. This year I sacrifice nothing.

My PR was set by following the 1:50 pace group for the first nine miles and then pulling ahead to the finish with an 8:20 average overall. My strategy for this year? The same thing, only I'll pull away after eight miles. That means an 8:24 pace at first and then at least an 8:12 pace to finish. That's doable.

Let us not lose faith in the hill training that has replaced my track sessions this year. Believe in the training. Hills have built leg strength and expanded lung capacity. Distance has increased endurance. Barefooting has improved my form. Training has instilled confidence.

This is my first race since the Tallmadge Memorial 5-K in May. I don't have the same racing experience this year that I've had in the past few years. That only means my legs are fresh.

My strategy is in place. The date is set. My target is marked. My opponent will go down.

Flashback Friday: Getting a Jump on Laundry

My running clothes were in a bad way. The Enthusiast would scrunch up her nose at me and say, "Ew, you stink!" And this was before I went for a run.

So I have a tendency to rewear my running gear. But clearly, time had come to throw some quarters into the washer and clean my shorts ... and shirts and tights and socks and running underwear and, yes, I have special running underwear and wind pants and gloves.

Meanwhile, I had the urge to do something exercise-ish. So I decided to jump rope in the basement/washroom until it was time to put the clothes in the dryer.

After you push in the coin slot carriage to turn on the washer, the display reads "21." I thought this meant I would be jumping for 21 minutes. I had my stopwatch, but decided to use the washer as my timer. I can do 21 minutes of jumping rope.

About five minutes in when I had my first hiccup in jumping rhythm and snapped the vinyl jump rope against my calf, I looked at the washer to see how far the timer had ticked down. "21," it read.

Fuck.

Perhaps what the washer really meant was that I need to get started on Steve Stenzel's Twenty One workout. I looked at my watch and tried to calculate what time I started jumping. It was a little after 6 p.m.

Meanwhile, I could hear Dobson barking up a storm. I ran upstairs to see what was his malfunction. I settled him down, gave him a treat and ran back down to the washing machine. Now, the washer read "16."

OK, so maybe it does count down, but at odd intervals. I started jumping again. The washer read "14," then "13," then "10," then "9," then "9," still "9," it's stuck on "9" and my watch says 6:17. I decided I'd go until 6:25 if the washer didn't stop sooner. Of course, the washer didn't stop sooner.

I'm pretty sure I jumped for about 21 minutes. I have no idea how long that washer went. I had to go back upstairs to get ready for Dobson's obedience class. The washer stopped sometime before I got back down there to switch the laundry before we left for training.

Stupid washer. The good news is my running clothes are clean, and my jump-roping has gotten way better. I can do the two-foot jump, the running man jump and the one-foot jump. I'm awesome.

Back Talk
Wherein my readership two-ups me and undercuts my success.

Miss Zippy allows me some leeway with my Elevens workout, but goes right ahead and raises the bar: "We'll cut you some slack for the dog. I have made the 11s workout a part of the routine. Have done it for 2 weeks now and I definitely need to move the bar up--Josh and I discussed 13s, which is my goal next week. Can't really imagine ever making it to 21, can you?"

Answer: Crap! I'm falling behind in my own workout!

Meanwhile, Barefoot Josh has gotten even faster at kicking my ass at my own game: "I'm now at 4:08, with real sit-ups. I'm a machine."

Answer: Both you and Zippy are responsible for my new tag, jerks.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Not So Magic Jumping Bean

I read somewhere that jumping rope was like twice as good as running. Let's hope that 10 minutes on Friday and another 10 minutes on Sunday sufficed for my lack of mileage over the weekend.

The bottoms of my feet--yeah, I know what it's called--are tight from all the non-beer hops, but the good news is that my arms finally don't feel broken after my Eleven Workout last week.

My arms felt so good that I attempted another round of Elevens Sunday after jumping rope. However, after the first few sets, I had to do girlie modified push-ups. I hope to un-modify those next time.

As for jumping rope, my skills are woeful. My longest streak of jumping is about three minutes before I break my rhythm and have to restart. Friday's first attempt was an exercise in patience, and I'm happy to say I didn't cut my jump rope into little pieces and set it on fire after the first two minutes full of stops and starts, stops and starts.

Of High Knees and Noodle Arms

Dobson got another strong run in, as we ventured across many unshoveled sidewalks through knee-high snow. Not the dog's knees, but mine. A route of just over two miles took me just under 30 minutes to complete, and I even stopped my watch for the dog's defecation delays. The pup is getting better at avoiding his instincts to sniff every flake of snow or the crotch of every passerby. Now, if I could just get him to pick up the pace.

The Notorious Jumping Blogger of Summit County
I bought a jump rope last night for $3 from Target. Now, either I'll injure myself the first time I use it or the snow will thaw and temperatures will rise and I won't have any desire for an indoor alternative to running.

Hating on Steve Stenzel
Sometimes I just want to hate Steve Stenzel. He runs faster than me. He runs farther than me. He blogs more than me. He posts more pictures than me. He has way more readers than me. He smiles more than me. He's certainly friendlier than me. My only hope is that I could drink him under the table, but you never know with those hearty Minnesotans.

I was reading Steve's blog yesterday and came across his "Twenty One" workout. Now, I really hate him. As he describes, you do 20 push-ups and one sit-up, then you subtract one push-up and add one sit-up each set until you do one push-up and 20 sit-ups. That's 210 of each when if you finish.

This sounded like an interesting workout, but I knew that I couldn't do 210 push-ups and sit-ups. Not like that jerk Steve Stenzel. I thought, maybe I can do half that. [Faulty math alert!] You know, start with 10 push-ups and one sit-up. Thus the Eleven Workout was born! As it turns out, that equals 55 push-ups and sit-ups. OK, so not quite half. But close.

I knew I was in trouble when I got to the set of seven push-ups. My arms would give out and I'd free-fall from the raised position to the lowered position. Halfway through the set of five push-ups, I had to resort to girlie push-ups. Needless to say, my arms and chest are sore today. And I really don't care for that Steve Stenzel guy.

Feet of Fleeting Frustration

There's no doubt the Viper suffered from a two-day hangover after the Summer Un-Solstice Challenge. A long slog like that calls for purgative. I needed to feel fast and light even if I wasn't all that fast nor all that light.

My feet haven't trod my four-mile route in months. My legs felt surprisingly springy as I started my watch and bounded up the street. Residual anger built up over the last two weeks of less than stellar training propelled my stride ever forward. I cruised around each turn, jumped up the Bastard Garman Hill and flew back home. It felt good. Exactly what I needed. Back on the horse. Today is a new day. Six weeks until the Akron Marathon. Here I come.

Grooming Tips for the Discerning Runner

Monday evening featured a gathering of Booze Hounds at the newly dubbed Casa de la Rosado Víbora for the premiere of Three Sheets, Season 4. Before the night's revelry began, I had to prepare for the guests to arrive.

I ran to the grocer for some tasty beer to mark the occasion, a 750-ml bottle of Quatre-Centième Brassin Commémoratif by Unibroue, which I later paired with my dwindling stash of Yuengling Porter and an overindulgent helping of pretzels and hummus.

After my beer run, I still had time for my recovery run: three slow miles to compensate for last week's repetitive failures and long-winded successes, followed by five minutes of cross training. I was just about ready before I noticed a couple items in need of grooming.

Take off your skin: Running without socks has cultivated a ring a of callouses around each foot. The one on my right instep tried to jump ship, only to realize it was still tethered to my sole by a meaty tendril of dead skin. I did not want my guests to be alarmed at this sight so I dispatched myself to the bathroom and cut the callous loose with a pair of cuticle scissors.

Pain in the ass: My 18-miler ravaged my inner thighs just below my ass cheeks with savage chafing. The three recovery miles only re-aggravated the delicate skin. I didn't want my guests to wonder why I was walking around like an incontinent cowboy, so that's when [WARNING: Promotional hucksterism ahead.] I whipped out the Gold Bond Ultimate Healing Lotion. This is the best product I have found for chafing. Unlike some products that burn ferociously upon application, this product burns only slightly. The lotion immediately soothed the pain and allowed me to strut with my normal gait.

Don't neglect your grooming. Take a cold, hard look at yourself. Are you exhibiting some ghastly signs of running? While you have this opportunity, bandage those bloody nipples, correct that bowlegged walk, and trim any unsightly detritus from your extremities. A snort of whiskey or powdered rouge will help add a little color to your cheeks, that is, the cheeks on your face. And for crying out loud stand up straight, will you? Make an effort to look like a normal human being for once.

[Drunkard's note: I didn't get any free shit from Gold Bond directly, but I totally wouldn't mind if I did.]