New Workout: Frozen Car Lunges

Are you interested in a workout that strengthens your legs, core and arms all in one shot? Of course you are! Here's what you do:

1. Live in Northeast Ohio during an historic cold snap, wherein a "polar vortex" brings minus 30 degrees windchill and prevents your car from starting while it is parked in a one-lane driveway and blocking your auxiliary vehicle.  
2. Spend half the morning trying to get the dead car to start by making repeated trips outside to crank the starter to no avail. 
3. Maneuver auxiliary vehicle, which will start right up no problem, into position to attempt to jump the dead battery. Again, this will fail.
4. Determine that you need a new battery, which now means you have to move the dead car out of the way of the auxiliary vehicle to get to the auto parts store.
5. Maneuver the auxiliary vehicle out of the way by parking in the backyard. Too bad that fence is there and you can't just drive through the yard to get to the road, right?
6. Ensure dead car is in neutral and begin lunging all your body weight against the rear of the dead car. Rock the dead car until you create enough inertia to roll the dead car forward. (Remember: Rock and Roll.) 
7. Repeat previous step until dead car is out of the way of the auxiliary vehicle, allowing it to pull out of the one-lane driveway. 
8. Cool down by installing new battery in subzero climate, which will require you to tracking down three different ratchet sets to make an extension shaft long enough to access the bolt that secures the battery to the engine block. No, no, don't worry. This will be fun. Really.

Just to keep things interesting, I warmed up before this new workout by completing a short strength workout that included pull-ups and push-ups. 

The Tannenbaum Testament

For a second I thought I was going to surpass the puke threshold. True, it had been a long while since I had felt this way, but one never forgets that sensation. You might be asking yourself, "Did he finally go on a run?"

No. We put up the Christmas tree.

Usually, Mrs. Viper helps me with some of the lifting, but with the baby along for his first tree hunting trek, she couldn't do much more than give direction. When we put the trunk into the stand, she steadied the tree while I tightened the screws. Otherwise, it was all on me.

We went to a new tree farm this year, Doc Miller's Christmas Trees at Happinest Farm in nearby Alliance, Ohio. It's a bare bones operation with great prices. They provide a saw and tree shaking, but that's about it. They'll help you tie your tree to your car roof, if needed, but you have to supply the rope, tarp and anything else you might need.

In the past, we've gone to places that bail your tree, tie it up for you and charge about twice as much. Bailed trees are a hell of a lot easier to transport and set up, but there's no room for such luxury in our new "world of no." We needed a cheaper venue, and Doc's is the place — and it's awesome.

We trekked "out to the Maple tree and turn[ed] left" to find the spruce trees and began sizing up the selection. It was chilly, so we made our choice quickly to make sure Baby Viper wasn't out in the cold too long. Even so, we got guff from my father-in-law about how red his cheeks were in the obligatory Facebook photo of baby's first Christmas tree adventure.

I worked up a good sweat, cutting the tree down, lugging it back to the pay shack and securing it to the roof of the car. Part one was complete. Part two was getting the tree inside and set up. And that's when I almost puked.

Getting the stump into the tree stand required me to hoist and hold the tree aloft for several long seconds until Mrs. Viper could successfully guide me in. (That sounds naughty.) She held the tree steady as I tightened the screws. When I stood back up, I felt lightheaded.

Damn, that's the feeling of being out of shape. "I need to start exercising again," I said. And so it was with that testament to my recent slothfulness assured that I decided to spend 10 minutes this morning working out. No, it's not much, but it was something. And that's all that matters.

When More Doesn't Feel Like More

My arms felt fine. Even though my chin wouldn't quite clear the bar on my last rep of pull-ups amid the mosquitoes, the final two upper body exercise stations at the Sand Run Parcours Trail didn't seem too difficult. By the time I had finished in near record time, it felt like I'd barely done any arm exercises at all.

Unlike last time, my arms survived 10 pull-ups and almost managed a chin-up, as those thirsty bugs swirled and swarmed about, taking any opportunity to drain my blood.

Three stations later walking on my hands over parallel bars was a breeze, and then 10 push-ups felt nothing like Perry or Moss. Despite four more pull-ups, my final time was only seven seconds slower than last week's par course circuit.

This must be the law of diminishing returns that I've heard about before. Does this mean I'll have to work harder to get that same satisfying sensation of a good workout? Well, crap. I don't want to do that. Maybe I need to go back to doing less.

The frustrating thing is that there has been very little improvement in my weight. Despite noticeable gains in fitness over the last month, the scale continues to vex me, but I'm trying not to get so hung up on a stupid number. Right now I'm just enjoying the act of running, and that's all that matters.

ADDENDUM: The pull-up station has four tiers of bars, and the one I've been using is just low enough for me to grab with my feet still on the ground. There is one higher that I should probably start using to make it harder.

Just Keep Going

The sidewalk was hot Friday afternoon. Despite my watch acting as a time governor so I didn't do too much, too soon, that's exactly what I did when I logged my first barefoot run of the year. The ball of my left foot, between the first and second toes, was tender from either pushing off or a result of the scorched earth. But it wasn't so bad.

Sand Run was crowded Saturday afternoon. Sticking to a loop along the Mingo and Dogwood trails, my run avoided the throngs of walkers and runners, and apparently the GPS signals too. My calves and quads were sore from the barefooting the day before, and so was the tender spot on my left foot by the time I finished. But it wasn't too bad.

Trying out a new reel mower Sunday afternoon already had me sweaty. After a couple glasses of water and a damp rag to cool me down, I hit the sidewalks again for a shod run around the neighborhood. The sun felt like a hot iron steaming down on my already tired body, but I just kept going. When I got back home, I had topped my highest weekly mileage to date. It felt quite good.

Flashback Friday: Finishing Under Par

Maybe this is becoming a regular thing. Maybe pull-ups are addictive. Maybe there's hope.

Another crack at the Sand Run Parcours Trail yesterday resulted in a new personal best for the course this year. This was the third time in two months and the second consecutive week that I've run the exercise trail.

After last week's doughnut trial, my time this go around was 38 seconds faster, which looks even more impressive when you compare the paces of 22:21 vs. 19:10 per mile.

The par course is a few hairs under two miles and features 20 exercise stations, two of which I skip because they're dumb. (Stretching? Pfft! And I don't even know what "Leg and Arm Hop" means.) The course is on the side of a steep hill, so running involves some decent climbs, mostly the second mile. The pull-up station comes early in the second mile, and it's here where I eat up a lot of time standing still.

Pull-ups and chin-ups are one of those great, all-around body exercises, and they're really danged difficult to do. I can do two in a row, but then I need to take breaks between repetitions. So far, I'm up to eight chin-ups and seven pull-ups, and I think I'm hooked.

Awhile ago, I mentioned the possibility of buying a pull-up bar for the house, but I haven't pulled the trigger yet. The Sand Run Parcours Trail is close and free. Aside from running the complete course, I've also stopped by just to hit up the bar.

It takes me about five minutes to finish my reps, so there's a lot of time I could save by improving my prowess. Overall, the par course is just a kick ass workout. By the time I get to the final exercise station, a three-tiered balance beam, my limbs are wobbly from the effort that I feel like I'm walking the line for a DUI test. Today my legs, arms and chest are pleasantly sore. I gotta get back and do it again.

Back Talk
Wherein we talk about waffles

Miss Zippy, Al and Carolina John want to know: So what did I decide after all the waffling about running the Akron Marathon this year?

Answer: Despite saying I'd wait to make a decision, it looks like the Leave No Trace trail half marathon is in my future. As much as I would like to run the Akron Marathon this year, I don't think I'm ready to climb back onto the marathon horse this year and the concern over my pregnant wife makes this the more responsible choice.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

The Viper's Home Strength Routine

God, I hate cross training. But I recognize the benefit of doing exercise that isn't running to benefit my running and overall fitness. Over the years, I've tried many things, but nothing ever sticks like the proverbial spaghetti on the wall.

Most people know that I'm a cheapskate, so it shouldn't surprise you that all of these exercises can be done at home with minimal equipment. Here's what I've been doing this year:

100-Ups
This little drill was all the rage a few months ago after Chris McDougall wrote about it for the New York Times. A website popped up and people were challenging each other to see if it made them better runners. I've found that the drill has strengthened my hips and helped me stop kicking myself in the calves when I run. I do the Major exercise in sets of 20 repetitions (n.b., I worked up from the Minor version first). Here's a good video of the exercise.

Combo Planks
Taken from Jamoosh's abandoned Hard Core Club, I do a series of single and combination planks. Currently, I'm stuck on two sets per side of combo planks (30 seconds each position) with bookends of forward planks.

Dumbbell Curls
This is the only exercise that requires actual exercise equipment. I use either 10 or 20 pounds (sometimes both). I'm up to four sets of 10 with the 20-pounder and three sets of 20 with the 10-pounder.

Chair Dips
With two chairs set apart a bit wider than my hips, I do two or three sets of 10.

Push-Ups
Good old-fashioned push-ups, usually two or three sets of 10, depending how those chair dips felt.

Bicycle Sit-Ups
These are tough after the planks, which is why I save them for last. I do two or three sets of 30. I used to make the mistake of doing these as fast as I could, but I think I get better results from doing them slow and deliberately.

My goal is to complete this routine once a week. It usually takes me 25 to 30 minutes, which is perfect for a workout on an off-day (i.e., from running). Combined with a run, it's an ass-kicker.

Feel free to give my little workout routine a try, and let me know how it works for you. I make the assumption that most of you know what these exercises are, but feel free to ask questions if not. Cheers!

Flashback Friday:Two Months Earlier

It's always a good feeling when the yearly mileage counter ticks over to triple digits, and that milestone came two months earlier than in the marriage-shortened 2011. Yes, last night's three-miler pushed me up to 103 miles.

Had my previous run not been so short, I might have achieved this feat last month, but alas it was not to be, as the run left me a few tenths of a mile short of 100 miles.

Last year, my 100th mile was run in bare feet. While we've had a mild winter, it has not been mild enough for me to brave a barefoot run just yet.

After my run, I completed a trifecta of strength exercises, with 20-pound dumbbell curls (four sets, 10 reps each), bicycle-kick sit-ups (four sets, 30 reps), and push-ups (three sets, 10 reps). I had gotten away from my post-run strength routine, having added a longer core workout on an off-running day the last couple weeks, and it felt good to get back to it.

This weekend's running plans call for a six-miler and another three-miler, with the longer run will likely being done on trails, perhaps on the same course as last weekend's mud skiing venue. I'll have to get out there early with a busy weekend ahead, as the Mrs. and I will be celebrating the Leap Day marriage of our good friend and matchmaker, Gin.

Back Talk
Wherein it's not you, it's me

BrianFlash brings up a good possibility about those regular runners: "I always thought the runners around here were completely non-friendly. It is rare that I get a return wave. I realized it was me when I ran with my wife a few months ago. Everyone acknowledged her greetings..."

Answer: Considering my default face is also my mean face, you might be right.

Carolina John suggests there might be another app for that: "The MapMyRun app is pretty popular. It can drain the battery pretty fast though, esp if you ever decide to go for a long bike ride."

Answer: While I would probably not go on a long bike ride, I do doubt my phone's ability to make it through a long run over two hours. I just assume that's the drawback of using the GPS feature. Am I wrong?

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Tighten Up

After work last night, with Mrs. Viper at work, I changed into my horrible gray sweatpants and a T-shirt and headed to the basement to begin my routine. Alternating between 10 repetitions of 20-lb. dumbbell curls and 30 hundred-ups, two sets of each, I got my heartbeat going.

My abdominal muscles were still sore from Sunday's body curls, but that didn't stop me from heading up to the attic for my remaining exercises, beginning with a series of combination planks. I finished my workout with two sets of chair dips and push-ups (10 reps each set), followed by 40 more hundred-ups (to actually reach 100).

I've become obsessed with tightening up my winter jiggles. I see the infomercials with those gimmicky exercise machines, like the Ab Rocket Twister or, my new favorite, The Rack, and I'm in danger of dialing that 1-800 number for a "risk free" 30-day trial offer.

Mrs. Viper is concerned about a package arriving any day now with some "as seen on TV" contraption that promises rock-hard abs and award-winning pectorals.

I envision my own personal airbrush booth in the basement so I can accent my "shredded" physique. I'm not even sure why shredded is the right adjective for a fit body, but that's what the celebrity personal trainer tells me. Man, I've got to tighten up.

Akron's own The Black Keys provide the soundtrack ...

Flashback Friday: Early to Rise

My eyes opened at 6 a.m., according to the alarm clock, which means I actually woke up around 5:47. Lying there in bed, staring at the ceiling, I had the sudden urge to plank. I let the notion marinate for about 20 minutes so as to turn off my alarm after it sounded.

[Drunkard's note: You can tell I woke up early by looking at the time stamp of this post.]

Normally, I would hit snooze for another 90 minutes before awaking in a rush to get ready for work. Instead, I decided to sweat this morning with a 30-minute strength workout, which I've long vowed to complete on an off-running day. This was that day.

First was Jamoosh's combo plank routine, follow by three rounds of chair dips (10 reps), push-ups (10 reps), and 10-pound curls (20 reps), and finally back to the abs with two rounds of crunches (10 reps) and bicycle sit-ups (20 reps). I tried to do some 100-ups, but my body fizzled out after only about 25 reps.

Between my three-miler last night and this morning's workout, my weight finally dipped back down below 175 since Monday's ballooning.

Let's see if I can avoid another gorgefest this weekend. The only problem is there's a fresh growler of Irish Setter Red from Thirsty Thursday. Somebody's going to have to drink that.

Back Talk
Wherein we go a little further back for some smack talk

Ironman Kevin thinks shoes are the same as barefoot in the snow: "Time for you to man up. It was 14* here with blowing snow and I saw the distinct footprints of Vibrams on the running path today."

Answer: My Altras are just as minimal as Vibrams. I'm not impressed. But my shoes are not the same as going barefoot, nor are Vibrams. I'm just too much of wuss, whereas others are not.

B. Jarosz thinks I should stop worrying about my weight: "[M]aybe kill your bathroom scale and start measuring your waistline? Muscle is more dense than fat, so picking back up on the exercise is more important than what the scale says on any given day.

Answer: Good advice. I measured around my love handles and got around 34 inches with my Craftsman tape measure, but somehow I don't think it was the most accurate of measurements.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Two Streaks Broken

One streak died at the start of another. The second streak died shortly thereafter.

That's right, teammates, I'm talking about that 20-day runless streak I had going up until Friday afternoon, when I finally slipped outside for a short run around my new neighborhood.

The very next day, I ran again, trying to wear out Dobson before our house warming and Christmas tree trimming party. While the run was successful for me, the dog still had enough energy to attempt herding the children who were in attendance. He passed out as soon as it was just adults remaining.

Sunday, however, was the end of my brief running streak. My motivation to run has returned, though, and I expect to gather a few miles this week when I can.

In addition to my short runs, I have been diligent with my core strength exercises. After each run, I performed a combination of 20-pound dumbbell curls and chair dips or push-ups and sit-ups.

My goal this winter is no new holiday heft. Maintaining my weight will be a major challenge with all the holiday cheer, but I'm determined avoid any gain.

Flashback Friday: Parkour

A potent cocktail of heat and stupidity reduced last night's trail run to a dizzy death march. My course was the rough trails at Sand Run, starting with the 1.4-mile loop between Merriman Road and Portage Path, which is also a par course.

I have run this par course loop before but never did any of the exercise stations. This time, hey, why not? The first few stations were more like a warm-up, with arm circles, side bends, toe touching, and so forth. I figured since I was running beyond this loop that I'd just skip anything that focused on the legs to instead work on my core and upper body.

The first difficult exercise was a leg-lift station that got my lower abdominal muscles a good workout by sitting on a bench with my legs propped on a pedestal and then lifting them up. The next several stations were difficult, with push-ups, a hand-walk across parallel bars, sit-ups, chin-ups, and reverse somersaults suspended by rings. A little more than 28 minutes later, and I was done. But I still had more to run.

Within the next mile I knew I wasn't going to run as far as I'd planned. The heat was melting me, and my par course adventure had drained my energy.

Instead of working on distance, I decided to run hill intervals, bolting up the hills, jogging down, and only walking the flats if need be. Another mile in, and my walk breaks more resembled drunken stumbles. A little more than 84 minutes later, and I was done, as in D.O.N.E. Done.

Back Talk 
Wherein Katy Perry gets all the comments

Apparently, the only thing that stuck out to Ian, Joja Jogger and Ironman By Thirty in my last post was the mention of going to a Katy Perry concert.

Answer: Call it payback for all the old-timey and hillbilly concerts. She puts on a good show though. T.G.I.F.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Introducing: Boner Beer!

The madcap shenanigans at BrewDog have produced yet another crazy brew -- one that won't kill your boner.

Royal Virility Performance joins the likes of Tactical Nuclear Penguin and Sink the Bismark, two of the strongest beers in the world.

This limited release beer by the U.K.-based brewery boasts a somewhat modest 7.5 percent ABV, compared to, say, the 41 percent of Sink the Bismark. However, to stiffen you up a bit, the new brew also contains herbal Viagra, along with aphrodisiacs like chocolate and goat weed.

Now, when you're in the mood to full-tilt tipple, there's a beverage that won't hamper your hanky-panky. Beware that your erection may outlast your buzz. If one or the other lasts more than four hours, why, keep going.

BrewDog created Royal Virility Performance, of course, in honor Kate Middleton's recent marriage to Bill Windsor last week. Unfortunately, the beer is only available in the United Kingdom. Xenia may have to act as your distributor.

Get Your Weak Shit Out of Here

It happened to me during each of my last two runs.

There was the douche bucket who could barely pass me on a downhill after he turned around for a three-miler while I was on my sixth mile of eight. And there was the man in the sleeveless windbreaker who took his time passing me during the Shamrock 15-K. Both runners' passing tactics pissed me off.

I will not abide your lame ass attempt at oneupsmanship.

My boss is a runner and ran track in high school and maybe some college. One day while I was groveling at his feet he told me, When you pass someone, you want to break his spirit.

Passing is not a game, it's a statement. Passing another runner says, I am better than you. And when you say that in a competition -- no matter how friendly -- you'd better be able to back it up. Otherwise you'll be choking on your concession speech when I return the favor.

I have three rules about passing:

• Pass with speed and authority
  
• Don't let up as soon as you are by; rub it in
  
• Do not get passed by a person you passed

This does not include those runners you scamper past early in a race when everyone is settling into their pace. No, these rules are to be followed during dramatic late stages where the race truly emerges.

Passing requires strategy. You don't want to pass too early and risk encountering a finishing kick you can't beat. But by rote, you don't want to pass too late. You must pass your mark at just the right time. Consider this the Goldilocks Paradox.

My strategy is seek the puke threshold and emerge victorious. Or puked upon.

Finding the right moment to pass requires trial and error, intuition and fortitude. The right moment will vary from race to race, day to day. You must run within yourself and know what you're capable of during a given stage of a race. And you must have faith in yourself.

So dispatch your weak passing maneuvers and start passing with authority. Let those other runners know you're better than them. Break their spirit. And if you can add a fart while doing this, you will also break their composure. Just don't shit your pants.

Here We Snow Again

Just after finishing a solid week of running, which followed two weeks of fallow running, word is that another winter storm is on its way to drop up to 10 inches of snow on Northeast Ohio. Great.

The age-old saying around these parts is if you don't like the weather, wait five minutes because it'll change. We're used to inconsistent weather, good or bad.

Well, the only thing that has been inconsistent about the weather this winter is the inconsistency. That is to say, it's been unusually consistent, consistently bad.

Boo.

Hiss.

Nothing really exciting last night. I did some core cross training. I like to think that I'm building important muscles for when it's nice enough outside to run at the track. Tonight, I hope to still run, but the forecast looks unfavorable.

Flashback Friday: To the Core

It was almost 30 degrees and it was almost light outside when I went for another three-miler last night. I was almost overdressed. What is this, Spring?

I took it easy on the run, but then I did some core strength exercises afterward, dusting off the stretchy bands along with some dumbbell curls, balance ball sit-ups, planks and metronomes. I wasn't sore this morning, but sitting in this office chair I can feel my body tightening. I may be walking around like a question mark come Happy Hour.

After I showered, I ventured to my grocer for some pizza fixings and what did I spy with my little eye? A glorious green plastic 51-ounce bottle. Baltika No. 9 Extra Lager, you are mine for $2.79.

Back Talk
Wherein ... wherein ... wherein I'm sick of trying to come up with different descriptions for a feature I've been running since last June.

While many of you kind readers tried to allay my concerns about being overrun, the edited-for-loquaciousness Glaven said: "I disagree with all of the commenters above. I think the two other runners handed you your @$$. I see no reason to pretend otherwise."

Answer: Thanks for the levity. And relative brevity.

Echoing a question Ms. V. asked earlier this week, Xenia asked: "Out of curiosity, do you have a race coming up or are you just going to run whenever old man winter isn't trying to chap your ass?"

Answer: Cleveland is in May. I'm trying to avoid a last-minute training push like last year.

Post Script: I just noticed that both comments used the word "ass" -- or in Glaven's case a symbolic representation thereof. Way to keep clean, guys.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us. Have a fine weekend, gentle readers. Run well and drink well.