Friday, March 6, 2009

Flashback Friday: the Anti-PED

The eight-miler I ran last night needed a little spicing up, and I had just the thing. The swag bag from the Akron Marathon last year contained a sample of Life Fitness Instant Energy Beans "gourmet chewables" (flavor: French vanilla latte). I was waiting for just the right occasion to consume these little nuggets of power, and this was it.

Two Life Fitness Instant Energy Beans provide you with 10 calories, two grams of carbohydrates (all sugar), 200 micrograms of vitamin B-12 (3,333 percent), 200 milligrams of calcium (20 percent), and 80 milligrams of caffeine.

I ate the tablets at my turnaround point, after four miles, and here is what happened: I couldn't open the package. It wouldn't tear. I felt like George Costanza trying to open a condom wrapper. I bit into one side, but couldn't get enough purchase to make a hole big enough to get the beans out. I bit the other side with equal futility. So I kept gnawing away until I could extract the little buggers.

Here is what the package looked like after I chewed on it (and after you've had a few tipples):


When I finally bit into something edible, I wished I hadn't. Sadly, the packaging tastes better than the product. The texture was like a chewable vitamin. The chalky taste clung to my tongue like a young one hung from a monkey bar rung.

I attempted to wash away the taste at the next water stop. No such luck. The foul flavor vexed me the rest of the run.

One mile into my trial of Life Fitness Instant Energy Beans and my pace had dropped from a 9:50 mile going uphill to a 10:01 mile going downhill.

Usually, when I take a supplement with caffeine in it, my heart starts to beat uncomfortably fast. This did not happen with the Life Fitness Instant Energy Beans. In fact, from what I can tell, nothing happened at all. I did not notice any uptick in energy, no boost in speed, and no feelings of euphoria.

My second half was only 20 seconds faster than my first, and even that I attribute to the douche bucket who turned around at my 6.5-mile mark and then could barely pass me on a downslope. I refused to stay passed and caught him a mile later where he was now walking.

So to recap, the Life Fitness Instant Energy Beans:
  • Are difficult to open
  • Taste horrible
  • Slow down your next mile
  • Do not boost energy, speed or priapism
  • Could possibly get you hit by a car (did I not mention that?)
I was hoping for a performance enhancer, but these beans didn't do squat. Now I know why they were free.

Running Lexicon
Performance Diminishing Device (PDD) n., items, such as drugs, dietary supplements, apparel and technologies, which diminish your performance of a task. Examples: heroine, concrete shoes, IEDs, Life Fitness Instant Energy Beans, et cetera.

Back Talk
Wherein I parse the freezing temperatures for those who use ellipses to gloss over my writing to aide their own blathering commentary.

Glaven, apparently, doesn't think my writing was clear when I wrote that freezing is 32 degrees: "The freezing point of what? Nitrogen, e.g., freezes at -346.0°F. So that's a freezing point. ... So there should never be time when you don't run, if we assume you're talking about the freezing point of nitrogen - a reasonable enough assumption, since you don't specify."

Answer: nincompoop.

TFH was able to discern my cryptic writing: "Too bad GQH seemed to miss your 'that's 32 degrees, for you nincompoops' note. It's always the target demographic that skims right past such things, eh?"

Answer: Apparently, 32 degrees was not specific enough.

For those still confused, Glaven, please note that Daniel Fahrenheit chose 32 degrees as the freezing point of the Fahrenheit scale, which I use exclusively to gauge temperature because I am not in al Qaeda or New Jersey. Please note this for future usage of the general term, "freezing." I need a drink.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us. Make your way to the tavern for a pick-me-up. A Johnnie Walker Red Label -- neat, please, I'm done with things that are freezing. Run well and drink well, teammates, especially those of you running races this weekend.

11 comments:

X-Country2 said...

Latte flavored anything that's not latte flavored latte just sounds digusting. Stick with the fruity stuff!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Geez, Mom sends you to the Akron Marathon to sell the family cow, and you come back with these magic beans?

Viper, please note: Specify.

Your journalism degree ... it's showing again.

Xenia said...

Now that's a rousing endorsement if I ever heard one. My favorite part of your product review? The photo label.

Good luck in your race this weekend.

P.S.--Love that you sold out and have put an email address on your profile page. Also, haven't you been reading the same books for months now?

Sun Runner said...

Sigh...Viper, don't you know by now that all you need to do to get real performance enhancers is to answer some of those unsolicited emails you get in your spam folder?

Why not try one of those babies the next time you're out on a run? I just know you have a stash tucked away somewhere.

I'm also quite surprised you didn't include "Garmins" and "iPhones" in your list of PDDs. Additionally, it's heroin, unless you seriously think female protagonists are going to drag you down as well.

Sláinte!

Roisin said...

It's a Jamesons kind of Friday. Sorry about the yucky running food. PDD indeed...reminds me of the time I opted to try the coffee flavoured gu. There are no words.

chia said...

Nothing beats the homemade Gu some dude made that was meant for "weight loss." It sounded good in theory, however, it was like pooping cayenne pepper and vaseline for a week. Funny thing is, there was zero propulsion factor or anything of the sort... meh.

Sorry the beans sucked man :-(. *muah*

chia said...

And don't let Xenia get you down, The Road is a very good book, feel free to savour it :-P

Viper said...

Glaven - you're out of touch ... it's showing again.

Xenia - wait until I get ads; books updated just for you.

Sarah - I guess that's what they call a Freudian slip.

Chia - thanks, see comment above; The Road is a new acquisition.

the erratic epicurean said...

non-magic beans!

tfh said...

After the various PR reps lurking on running blogs see this review, you'll no doubt be besieged with offers to review THEIR products. Who wouldn't want to get in on some of the PDD love?

P.O.M. said...

ha ha. You said 'performance enhancer."