New Workout: Frozen Car Lunges

Are you interested in a workout that strengthens your legs, core and arms all in one shot? Of course you are! Here's what you do:

1. Live in Northeast Ohio during an historic cold snap, wherein a "polar vortex" brings minus 30 degrees windchill and prevents your car from starting while it is parked in a one-lane driveway and blocking your auxiliary vehicle.  
2. Spend half the morning trying to get the dead car to start by making repeated trips outside to crank the starter to no avail. 
3. Maneuver auxiliary vehicle, which will start right up no problem, into position to attempt to jump the dead battery. Again, this will fail.
4. Determine that you need a new battery, which now means you have to move the dead car out of the way of the auxiliary vehicle to get to the auto parts store.
5. Maneuver the auxiliary vehicle out of the way by parking in the backyard. Too bad that fence is there and you can't just drive through the yard to get to the road, right?
6. Ensure dead car is in neutral and begin lunging all your body weight against the rear of the dead car. Rock the dead car until you create enough inertia to roll the dead car forward. (Remember: Rock and Roll.) 
7. Repeat previous step until dead car is out of the way of the auxiliary vehicle, allowing it to pull out of the one-lane driveway. 
8. Cool down by installing new battery in subzero climate, which will require you to tracking down three different ratchet sets to make an extension shaft long enough to access the bolt that secures the battery to the engine block. No, no, don't worry. This will be fun. Really.

Just to keep things interesting, I warmed up before this new workout by completing a short strength workout that included pull-ups and push-ups. 

The Snowy Start

In case you haven't heard, wicked winter storms have been rolling through the Midwest and Northeast this past week. We got hit good Thursday. It was above freezing this weekend and raining last night before temperatures plummeted and the snow machine started up again. It's supposed to be bad this week. But at least I tallied my first run of the year.

Sunday's afternoon romp was both shorter and longer than intended. It was just shy of three miles and a couple minutes over a half hour. But, remember, we're not talking about goals in terms of time and distance, but rather racking up the participation points like a good beginner.

Right now, I'm just setting my watch timer for a 30-minute run, which tells you there was no negative split yesterday, and there probably won't be one for quite awhile. Unless I can find a local route that doesn't end on an uphill.

Despite fading near the end, it felt great to get back out there. My legs are only minimally sore today. It felt good to record those first numbers in this year's running log.

This week's goal: two runs. That may be tough with will chill warnings and negative temperatures forecast for the beginning of the week. I'll have to backload my miles to make it happen without suffering frostbite. Cheers!

Inside the Bunker

February is so predictable. After January ended with two days in the 60s and week of above-freezing temperatures, the first day of this thankfully almost over month began with a high of 18 degrees.

We've spent most of the shortest month in the 20s and low 30s. Likewise, my running mileage from January to February dropped like a frozen glob of snot, as we wait out this cruel month inside the Viper family bunker.

Running? Only three miles so far, and that was while traveling to a much warmer locale for work. Instead, more sedentary activities prevail, while Punxsutawney Phil's prediction of an early spring seems more bogus by the day.

The Missus and I spend most of our time at home huddled under our expansive collection of blankets, a dizzying array of afghans and comforters, fleece and wool. Like Mr. Rogers, I often come home and take off my coat, only to pull on a zippered sweatshirt.

We switched cable providers recently. In the deal, we got a free trial of movie channels and have been catching up on movies we never had much interest in seeing in the first place. FYI: Paul? Not terrible. Extract? Quite terrible.

The challenge of learning the fiddle has kept me in the attic some evenings. Good thing heat rises.

Dobson, our 3-year-old Old English Sheepdog, has started to get the hint after my wife has repeatedly forced him to lie on her feet.

February on the North Coast is tough because it's usually when cabin fever sets in, but the weather precludes going out of doors for anything but the essentials.

The forecast for March isn't looking promising. Highs mostly in the low 30s. Somebody get a rattrap ready for Phil.

The Final Freeze of February ... Hopefully

This is usually the last hard month of winter in Northeast Ohio. "Usually" being the operative word, as there have been years when we've had major snowstorms well into March. But let's stick with the usual.

The bunker has been stocked with blankets, warming spirits and the occasional chocolate stout. After a brief warm-up, an extended cold snap has refrozen the North Coast. Knowing that heat rises, I've often retreated to the attic to practice the fiddle, rather than venturing down the icy roads and sidewalks to run a few miles.

Yes, it's February now, and I have yet to run a step, but let's remember how well I started off the New Year. Here's January's statistical rundown:

• Total Miles: 21 miles (7 runs)
• Total Time: 3.7 hours
• Highest Weekly: 9 miles
• Average Weekly: 5.25 miles
• Average Pace: 10:24/mile
• The Monthly Dif: We're starting over

These numbers far exceed December's stats and put me on a good footing for 2013. Now, if the weather would cooperate a bit.

The good news is that the temperature is supposed to get up into the high 30s tomorrow, which may help break my hibernation cycle and allow me to build some momentum again. Maybe Punxsutawney Phil's prediction will be correct and spring will come early, but after last year's snafu I'm wondering if he's a year behind.

Too Cold to Run to Too Warm Not to Run

The rain pelted the roof just an hour before quitting time. All day the idea of running after work seemed so enticing.

Last week was just too damned cold. Temperatures were in the single digits, but the wind chill dropped us into the negatives. Throughout the week we got plenty of snow, and running just seemed like a stupid idea. I do my best not to be stupid.

This week we're in the 50s. For a couple of days, anyway.

This is the schizophrenic part of the year. Weather goes from deep freeze to summer breeze (makes me feel fine). After these warm days, the temperature is supposed to drop 30 degrees for the rest of the week. Nothing shocking to those of us on the North Coast.

The nice thing about these brief heat waves, though, is the snow melts and we get clear running paths for a spell. Yesterday's forecast seemed perfect. Rain in the morning, but clearing later in the day. Suddenly, reality set in. A violent roar dispelled the weatherman's claims.

It rained pretty much the whole way home, but as my exit off the highway neared, the windshield wipers began to squeak as they cleared. The rain was letting up.

Mrs. Viper had prepared a big vat of chili for dinner. It was sitting on the stove. As enticing as it was to just grab a bowl and eat, a run beckoned. It had been more than a week since my last 30-minute fartlek.

The roads were wet, but the evening's warmth felt soothing. My legs felt good. Clicking off lightpole intervals taxed my legs and lungs a bit more than usual. My watch alarm to turnaround sounded a bit earlier than previous outings. My pace and distance were below their recent marks, but it was good to get out again.

My next run will require many more layers.

A Slog, a Sprint

Ever have one of those runs that feels like a total slog, but then it turns out to be your fastest pace of the year? That was Saturday's 30-minute fartlek.

The faster I go, with these timed runs, the farther I go. (No duh, said the Internet.) My pace over 3.2 miles was a good 25 seconds per mile faster than my next fastest effort this year. But, boy, did I feel ragged. I couldn't find a rhythm with my lightpole intervals. Pushing the pace felt like a death march.

The nice thing about these runs, however, is that I get to see marked improvement from run to run. My goal is to get to four miles in 30 minutes. I've never been that fast outside of a race, so it's a tough order. It's something to shoot for at any rate.

The weather has turned quite frigid in Northeast Ohio. Despite temperatures in the 50s during Saturday's outing, the biting wind called for long sleeves, hat and gloves. This week is supposed to be in the teens with a wind chill advisory that's supposed to bring the perceived temperature down below zero. That should be fun.

Happy Monday, teammates ...

Blow Wind Blow

Only after my three-miler last night did I realize Northeast Ohio was under a storm advisory from the National Weather Service. The wind blew heavy gusts that knocked me sideways. My legs struggled to keep me on course.

The storm rolled through just before I set out on my run. As I was getting ready, rain pounded the roof, but the rain didn't last. Instead, those gales added adventure to my neighborhood route.

The wind was especially strong from the west, providing a tough headwind for the final stretch.

Despite the challenging weather, I still managed to finish with a sub-10-minute mile pace for just the third time all year.

After topping out in the mid-50s yesterday, the temperature is back down into the 20s today with a new coat of snow on the ground.

This week's forecast doesn't offer much in the way of good news, but what should I expect from the North Coast in the middle of January?

If You Can't Say Something Nice

It would be ridiculous to have a blog post that didn't say anything at all. There just isn't much to say. The Enthusiast and I have been hunkered down in our bunker and trying to avoid the onset of the winter funker as the season rages in its final, agonizing death throes.

A week ago, that rodent in Puxsutawney, Pa., predicted an early spring for the first time in my memory. Even the Weather Channel is forecasting temperatures in the high 30s by next week, which would be downright blazing compared to this week's chill.

For now, we're keeping our delicate digits inside. It's been a rough couple weeks weather-wise, and that's how I know it's February in Northeast Ohio. The winter of my discontent is starting to make me feel couped up and crabby and not at all inspired to write witty (or not) blog posts.

Instead of running, the Enthusiast has been ferociously working on finishing the second draft of her thesis and pooping regularly (written with my fingers crossed so as not to jinx it), and I have been rigorously practicing to become a world-class banjo player (to no avail).

The Enthusiast keeps asking me, "Am I going to be able to run a half marathon?" It's been almost two weeks since we ran. But she has 13 weeks until the Cleveland Half Marathon. I once trained for only six weeks for this race and set a then-PR. Hal Higdon's training plans for the distance are 12 weeks. I'm confident she'll be just fine.

Well, I guess I can say something nice after all.

Oh, Perfect

Just when I thought it couldn't get any awesomer, it doesn't. Nope, the awesomeness has not increased whatsoever. In fact, the International Standard Awesome Quotient has declined in the last 24 hours in light of a recently discovered cold that must have been contracted from some son of a bitch over the weekend.

My nose is a leaky faucet, yet I can't blow it to clear my sinuses. No, of course not. I feel like I feel OK enough, but I'm drowsy and feel heavy. My hands feel swelled and hot, like little brown sausages lying in the sand.

Thankfully, we all know the secret to beating bodily infections: running and whiskey. The Enthusiast is scheduled to run three miles tonight, and there's Tellamore Dew in the cabinet. Can you see the plan forming?

Flashback Friday: Too Cool for School

It's been nice to see a steady upswing in mileage on my running log this month, but it would be nicer to see an upswing in temperatures.

A local trail guy is organizing a treadmill race because even he can't stand the cold anymore. If I could run with a warming pan in my tights, I would. We've been stuck in the teens and just got blasted with another few inches of snow. And hell, it's not even February yet.

Even though she wants to kill me, the Enthusiast has been a trooper in the early going of training for the half marathon. Despite the cold and possibly coming down with a cold, she refuses to skip a run. I hope we get some reprieve from this wicked winter. It'd be nice to drop a layer or two without worrying about frostbite.

Back Talk
Wherein we look at our spending habits with cold indifference

Barefootjosh thinks I should make it right with my feet and keep on buying stuff: "Since you're all Mr. Big Spender now, I feel comfortable suggesting you would like the soon-to-be-out Merrell shoes. Don't need toe socks for them."

Answer: A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch.

Matty B. hopes his new purchase fits him better than my toe socks: "GOT MYSELF A BANJO!!!!!!! Thank you for all the inspiration!"

Answer: I sincerely apologize to those you live with and your neighbors.

B.o.B. says cold temperatures show her rigor mortis-like inflexibility: "30 degrees is warm? God bless you my friend. I wouldn't survive."

Answer: You should see our 10-day forecast. The closest it'll be to that warm again won't be until Tuesday, when it's supposed to be 27 degrees. Thankfully, we have ways of staying warm.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Secret Extra Effort

The Enthusiast begged and pleaded for us to delay our run last night until this morning. She was exhausted from work and didn't want to face the rough running conditions. After a hemming and hawing session, I agreed.

The snow started falling like crazy at about 2 p.m. yesterday and still hasn't stopped. If you want my opinion, it would have been easier to run last night, but I understand her reasoning for the postponement.

We got up before 6 a.m. to get ready and were out the door by 6:30. (Not being a morning person, I move like a three-toed sloth when forced to awaken that early.) The early part of our run was surprisingly easy, as someone had kindly snowblowered a long stretch of sidewalk that morning and the night before. After that first mile, however, the snow deepened.

We got between four and six inches of snow last night, with a couple more on the way. The Enthusiast at one point told me she felt sick, like she might throw up. I wondered if she wasn't sick, but rather nearing the Puke Threshold because of the extra effort needed to run in the slippery conditions.

Snow is tricky that way. You think, 'Oh, it's not so bad,' but then your legs start burning from exhaustion and it takes you twice as long to go half as far. Running in the snow is tough. Your feet slip and you end up working much harder to move forward and stay upright. The good news is that it also makes you stronger.

First run of the Enthusiast's training plan is crossed off. We're on our way. Cheers!

Matching My Worst

My three-miler last night ensured that I wouldn't mark a new low monthly mileage. At worst, I'll match October's 10 miles. However, the cold weather is making even the shortest runs a challenging feat for my poor feet. 

My street is one of those side roads that the snowplows ignore. My Vibrams conduct the cold quite well. Starting off my run with a long stretch on packed ice slush makes for numb feet. It takes at least a mile before the friction warms them up, but for some reason my left foot takes longer. Throughout last night's run, my left toes were frozen senseless. And as I read somewhere, a numb foot is a dumb foot. 

I'm starting to wonder if it isn't time to add a little more material under my foot and wear my Brooks T6 Racers again. The problem with those is that they smell awful. I need to stick them in the washer to defunktify a year's worth of sockless running. 

When I have bare pavement or asphalt underfoot, my Vibrams are fine for this weather. Running on a blanket of snow, however, isn't a fun experience with nothing but a thin layer of rubber and a silly pair toe socks to protect me from frostbite. 

At any rate, it was good to get out and exercise. I even added some dumbbell curls and sit-ups to my routine to help stave off the holiday chub. I also abstained from the candy dish and cookies for the first day in who knows how long. Will power, I has it! 

Nice Weather = Less Running

We've got another little warm streak going on right now. The temperature was somewhere in the mid- to high 40s last night, when I went for a creaky-limbed three miles. Today is another warm day, with highs in the 50s.

This does not bode well.

For we all know that tomorrow brings the promise of freezing temperatures and the likelihood of snow. Nice weather infuses my soul with reluctance to run in unnice weather.

I wouldn't mind running again tonight. However, I got a hot date. Will I make it out tomorrow after the rain has turned to snow and the sidewalks have turned to ice? 

I got a better idea: There's a mostly full bottle of Tullamore Dew in the cupboard, and we have yet to make mulled cider. I bet there's a better chance of cozying on the couch with a mug full of yum than there is of a treacherous run in the witch-tit cold. 

And then there's the matter of learning a new tune on my banjo before the next Shindig. I'm very close to having "Breaking Up Christmas" down.  

[Drunkard's note: Can you name the running blogger in this video?]

Flashback Friday: Frozen Assets

Thank goodness for all this snow! Another 6-15 inches today? Why, that will surely improve my running this year. My legs will be so damned rested by the time I actually start running consistently that I'll be crushing the miles at unheard-of paces.

So instead of running this week, I have been equating everything I do to running.

Like my banjo playing? I play really slowly because if I go too fast, what little rhythm I have falls apart. Just like running.

And Eating? Too much and I'm hurting, but too little makes me cranky. So too with running.

Sleeping? A bad sleep can throw the rest of my day out of whack. As does a bad run. But good sleep is refreshing. So is a good run.

Watching TV? Reruns are comforting, but first runs keep it exciting. I feel the same about the routes I run.

My work day? I like to make a "to do" list and then not follow through. I do the same with my running schedule.

Cross training? I haven't done that either this week.

So, you see? I haven't been running, but I've been thinking about it.

Back Talk
Wherein we examine the behavior of our canine friends.

This semi-regular blogger guy named Ian thinks Dobson's running pace is for my benefit: "Maybe he's running slowly to make you feel fast. Man's best friend, indeed."

Answer: What's really beneficial is all the stopping and starting. Come race day, I won't have trouble with motivating myself to run again after a walk break or stoppage. What a good dog.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Remember Why I Started Running

Not that I should be surprised about that ugly little rodent predicting six more weeks of winter. We don't really have much of a choice, considering it is literally six more weeks until the spring equinox.

No, it wasn't a surprise, but the beginning of February is always a harsh reminder of how much longer we have to wait until going outside isn't such a chore. To top it off, this month typically hits us with at least one final wicked wintry blow. February is the most dreadful of months. And the first half of March isn't so great either.

This is why I started running back in 2006. Cabin fever had left me ravaged, and there was no end in sight. My apartment felt cramped. I felt sluggish. It seemed like I hadn't been outside in eons.

And fuck! Why was it so cold?

My plan was combat the S.A.D. with outside activity -- namely, running. I breathed out a cloud that was thicker than those smoke-filled exhalations I had given up for good a couple months prior. The dense cloud of breath hung in the air and joined the morning fog. (Yes, I even went out in the morning for my first run.)

I wore a pair of charcoal gray sweatpants, a T-shirt under a heavy sweatshirt, a skull cap, scarf, gloves and a pair of Etonic tennis shoes (as in, court shoes) that were too small. I ran for what I thought was two miles, but I think I was way off when I measured it later.

I returned home, having created a trail of fog as I panted from the effort. Little spots flashed before my eyes like I had just murdered a small colony of brain cells. I was lightheaded like whoa. My friend Martini talked about running like it was an addiction, and I suddenly knew why.

A couple weeks later, I started training for my first 10-K. A year later I was in the middle of training for my first half marathon. Four months after that, I would run my first marathon. Now, almost four years after that first run, I look back in search of motivation.

Not a Dog Killer After All

Dobson doesn't have such a bad owner, as it turns out. The Enthusiast and I took him to the veterinarian on Saturday, and I asked about running. Thankfully, the vet is also a runner. He gave me the yellow light, which I first interpreted as go really fast and stretch the distance. In actuality, I can proceed with caution, running with the pup for one to two miles at a time until his growth plates fuse.

This was welcome news, but it won't put much of a dent in my weekly mileage. I had another big fall-off after two solid 20-mile weeks. Not a stellar way to finish off the first month of the year. C'est la vie.

Here is January's statistical rundown:

• Total Miles: 53 miles (11 runs)
• Highest Weekly: 21 miles
  
• Average Weekly: 13.8 miles
  
• Average Pace: 10:22.8 per mile
  
• Longest/Fastest Run: 8 miles, 10:29 pace
  
• The Monthly Dif: +25 miles (28 miles in December)

My goal for the year is to average 20 miles per week. So far, not so good. I have lots of work to do, especially now that racing season is about to begin.

It's Back

The snow. The cold. The inhumanity of something altogether inhuman: the weather.

It amazes me how long it takes to acclimate to the cold, and how quickly that acclimation evaporates during an all-too-brief warm spell.

I ran in shorts this weekend. I wouldn't do that for the shortest of runs today. Or anytime in the forecastable future. And it's going to take a blizzard of motivation to get me out there this evening.

Three cheers for winter! ... anyone?

That Mean Old Mr. Weathers

This has been a brutal week in Northeast Ohio. Highs in the low 20s, lots of snow and a wicked wind. And the runners in Florida think it's cold. I would relish a "cold snap" that brought supra-freezing temperatures.

Motivation is hard to come by this time of year when your time to run is dark and frigid, and all the surfaces provide uneven, snowed-over footing. As with many things in life, starting is the hardest part.

Your mind's first instincts are to focus on all the negatives: the chore of putting on all the layers, the increased potential for injury, the cold, and yeah, sure, you'll warm up, but those first 10-15 minutes are chillier than a witch's tit; the sidewalks are covered in snow with treacherous footing, the streets are mostly clear, but then there's always the danger that cars won't see you no matter how reflective you are; the park has more even footing, but it's even darker than the roads; you know you're going to be slower with the difficult terrain, and that means more time in the cold, and what if you can't finish; then there's the chore of taking off all the layers afterward to stretch, the shoes are the worst because they're caked in snow, and you don't want ice clumps in your home; you have to hop around in socks and on tired legs to get off the shoes in the entryway without getting the dreaded wet sock, and it's even more complicated when you also wore YakTrax; and damn why is it so cold?

You must eschew this thinking.

Consider what is more important to you: shielding yourself from potential harm or fulfilling your goals? Failure or success?

Yes, there is a chance that part of the run will be unpleasant. But the thrill of returning home again after even a small achievement is a great reward.

The difficulty in starting is an illusion. Put the task before you and begin. One layer at a time, one step at a time until you finish. You can do this.