Bottled Up

Last night, the missus and I completed the final stage of brewing for our holiday gift ale. I wanted to bottle the beer on Sunday, but at the last moment realized I was about 20 bottles short. What a rookie mistake!

This having been only our second batch of beer since I purchased the two-stage kit back in 2010, we might as well have been first-timers. Here, I thought I had saved and stockpiled enough bottles from that tasty "Patient Zero" porter.

Immediately upon learning of my gaffe, I sent out a desperate plea for empties to my Facebook friends. The first responders had nothing. The next day, Mrs. Viper started calling local bars to see if they had any bottles to spare. To our surprise, one bartender was quite willing to set aside that day's haul, but she said there was no way they'd have the amount we needed on a Monday. Finally, one of my banjo-playing brethren sent me a direct message saying he could help. Score!

I spent the night washing and sanitizing my cache of brown and green bottles. I had about a dozen that were recently debeered, so I had the extra enjoyment of scraping off labels. Let me tell you something: If you're a homebrewer on the hunt for bottles with easy labels to peel off, seek out the offerings from Bell's Brewery. On a recent beer-buying rampage, my lovely wife picked up three six-packs of seasonal brew, one of which being Bell's Java Stout. Compared to other brands, Bell's labels peel right off with just a bit of warm water. It's like they care about their homebrewing customers.

All told, we have seven six-packs and two magnum-sized bottles for our gift-giving list. The brew will be ready to drink just after Christmas. From what we tasted last night, it should be pretty good. By my calculations, the beer will be about 7 percent ABV, but it doesn't taste like it. Hopefully, there will be a few extras to keep Chez Viper stocked for at least a little while.

Flashback Friday: Slow Not as Slow

There I was, feeling all "Eye of the Tiger," reveling in the thrill of the fight, in perfect rhythm, exacting some revenge, cruising toward home along Portage Path, when I looked at my running app to see an 11:55 mile pace. I hadn't even taken any walk breaks this time, and I was slower?

Chalk it up to morning mental fogginess. The final score was an 11:01 pace. Still a slowpoke, but faster than the 11:30 miles I logged on Sunday. Progress!

And then I almost got hit by a car.

Two doors down from our house, I had to come to a quick stop as my neighbor backed out of the driveway, which has some foliage that obstructed the view for both parties. I stopped, the car stopped. It was dark, so I couldn't see the driver well, but I thought I had the all clear to cross behind the car. As I was at the passenger side corner, the car lurched into gear and almost snapped my left femur like a twig.

Let's pause for a safety meeting: Communication and visibility are your No. 1 tools for avoiding vehicular manslaughter. While I was decked out in my hunter's neon yellow cap, bright orange shirt and reflective vest (not to mention my pasty white skin), I probably should have worn my headlamp for extra visibility. My communication with the driver was also lacking. I couldn't see inside the car to make eye contact or give/receive a visual cue. Instead, I should have just waited for the driver to proceed. THE MORE YOU KNOW, PEOPLE!

It may sound ridiculous, but I've readjusted my yearly goal to crack 200 miles, which will be my lowest annual total since I began running in 2006. You know, because babies, am I right?

It's a meager goal, but it seems doable, which is the point. I think I can manage about 7 miles a week for the rest of the year. Maybe I'll even surprise myself, but let's not get our hopes up, OK?

After looking back through this year's posts, I don't think I even announced any goals for the year. Maybe because I knew from the get-go this would be a challenging year to accomplish such things. I did set some goals and marked them down in my running log. This is actually the second revision:

• My yearly goal for total mileage started at 1,000 miles, then went to 400 miles and now we're at 200. 
• I wanted to get my weight down to 170 pounds, then it was 175 and now I'm hoping for 180, but even that seems a bit far fetched right now.
• My racing goals were to return to the Akron Marathon and run two trail races, and now Mrs. Viper and I are considering the possibility of running a 5K this winter, which may or may not be this calendar year, to get us both back on the health and fitness train. 
• I also wanted to maintain that 10 percent barefoot goal from years past, which at 13 miles so far is still in play if we get some more warm fall days.

It's been a challenging year in terms of staying fit and active, but I'm focusing on the long view. There's always next year. 

Mr. Breathe Right

The magic of breathing was revealed to me a mere month ago. Hitherto, my pull-ups and chin-ups were combined with an unconscious attempt to blow my head off my shoulders by straining during each rep. Then, breathing out proved to be the key relief valve and has helped me improve my abilities on the bar. So too does it improve running. Who knew, right?

Despite my scant running routine of three to four miles for each of the last nine weeks, there has been a clear improvement in speed over the last month. The corollary is obvious. Having remembered the benefit of synchronized breathing while exercising has benefited my performance. My pace over three miles on the Buckeye Trail has dropped by two minutes per mile.

My regimen still consists of timed runs, turning around after 20 minutes (for now). Last night's run on the Buckeye Trail (where else?) started on a steep, stepped incline, gaining 130 feet in less than 0.4 of a mile. During this section, my breathing was strictly two steps in, two steps out.

Once the trail leveled out some, though it continued to climb another 130 feet for the next mile or so, my breathing slowed to three steps in, three steps out (sometimes four). The first half is literally all uphill, and I don't mean "literally" in its newfangled definition, but its literal sense.

The second half definitely helped my overall pace, but breathing right got me to a farther point than in recent runs. Whereas my two previous 40-minute runs were each 2.95 miles, yesterday's run was 3.08. SO MUCH FARTHER!

But when you're dealing with set time limits, those small increments show big results. Hence, two runs ago, my pace was 14:54 per mile, and yesterday's was 12:36.

Moral of the story? Breathe, people.

Flashback Friday: Don't Forget to Breathe

Tell me if you've heard this one before. Inhale, "Hrk!" One, two, exhale. Rest. Inhale, "Ah-grr-ung!" One, two, exhale. Rest. Repeat. Does that sound familiar to anyone? This what it sounds like when I'm logging reps at my new pull-up bar. I forget to breathe during the actual work part of the workout.

After about five pull-ups and feeling like my head was going to explode, I thought maybe I should try breathing while I'm doing this. What a novel idea! Have you ever heard of such a thing? Believe you me, it helps.

Now, I'm back up to 10 pull-ups, going by two for the first four to six reps and then one at a time with rests in between. Then, it's as many chin-ups as possible (in this case five). Once I started breathing, it was much easier. So, remember to inhale and exhale oxygen as you exercise, teammates. The more you know!

Corollaries
OK, so I only had a cookie and part of a candy apple on Wednesday in terms of my struggle to eat less sugar. Considering dessert has been a semi-daily occurrence in recent months, this was an improvement. Also considering our evil office manager stocked up on mini candy bars, red licorice, M&M's and Mike & Ikes, I'd say my will power is improving as well. My reward? Minus four pounds on the scale of suckage.

Another Scorcher
What is this, Houston? We have another heat advisory today, wherein the heat and humidity are getting it on in the backseat of summer's sedan, sticking to the leather upholstery and steaming up the windows. Somebody's going to pass out if this keeps up. That means I'll be stinking out my coworkers after my lunchtime walk. Maybe I should start bringing some deodorant to work ...

Back Talk
Wherein we weigh the moral issues of the day 

Miss Zippy chimes in about poaching water: "[My] club puts out jugs at three stops each week during our [Saturday] runs. People definitely poach from them and I don't get too worked up over it."

Answer: What if I took the jugs and sold them on the black market?

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well.

Cheers!

Viper's Trail Tip No. 1: Scatter Step

Since you all look up to me as a master trail runner, this is the first in a sporadically occurring series of advice columns for the off-road challenged. While there are plenty of other sites you can visit for the basics of trail running, these Trail Tips will focus on the specific lessons I've learned along the way.

Northeast Ohio doesn't have any mountains, although the southeastern edge of this fair state contains the foothills of the Appalachians. What this region does have is diverse terrain carved up by the glaciers from the Ice Age. The result is myriad hills, hollows, valleys and ravines that make for some exciting running terrain.

While our hills aren't the highest, the slopes of these inclines tend to be rather pronounced. What they lack in altitude, they make up for in steepness. Evidentiary Exhibits A and B: Boston Mills and Brandywine, the two ski areas within the Cuyahoga Valley National Park. The Buckeye Trail climbs the back side of Boston Mills, and the Valley Bridle Trail skirts Brandywine.

In addition to the topography, Ohio also features a plethora of tree species, which translates into roots, roots and more roots, and the occasional hanging branch to dodge lest it poke out your eyeball. And then there are the rocks, with old quarries and rock ledges to watch out for.

The combination of hills, roots and rocks make for some natural step-like formations, which can be helpful going up but treacherous coming down. These potential tripping hazards require careful attention.

Now let's remember what Caballo Blanco said about trail running: "Don't fight the trail. Take what it gives you."

Faced with a downhill that is anything but smooth, I employ what may look like a random stepping pattern, with high knees and rapid foot movement. The goal is to remain steady and upright while moving forward.

With these quick, short steps, I don't want to land where I place my feet, but rather touch and go, tapping the flattest spot I can see and immediately lifting for the next one. Whether that next step is left, right, up or down doesn't matter. I just go with the flow. The high knees keep me from tripping. This is what I call the "scatter step."

Of course, you may encounter a switchback or some other obstacle that requires you to dig in and pivot, but the constant motion keeps my legs loose and joints bent to absorb the G-forces of such turns.

The other day, I was treading down a hill, and my foot landed squarely on a rock while my leg was too straight, and it was as if someone rammed a pole into my hip. My waist buckled with the downward force pulling my torso forward, but my leg had jammed my lower half upward. Lesson: Be sure to keep those knees bent and lift your feet quickly. Employ the scatter step.

And if you run on bridle trails like I do, the scatter step will also help you avoid actual scat, left behind by our equestrian friends.

Techno-N00b

It's only been a few months since my running life met the benefits of GPS technology in the form of a new smartphone and the MapMyRun app. My last-adopter status and Luddite past make for a long learning curve.

Up until recently, there was never a problem picking up satellites to log a run. There would be the occasional wait and maybe a phone restart to get a better signal, but it always worked. Until Saturday with Jamoosh and then last night on my exploratory three-mile route.

Both times my phone said the GPS signal was weak. Both times I just started the run anyway. Both times no mileage was logged.

In the past, when I've started my run with a weak signal, my phone would eventually latch onto a satellite beam and start tracking my mileage, foreshortening my run by a few tenths of a mile. No big deal.

Never before had my phone just not logged any distance like this. As the kids say, WTF?

My phone always gives me troubleshooting tips for a weak GPS signal. No. 1, restart the phone. Done. But I never bothered to look at No. 2.

Only in the last month have I discovered that using the Wi-Fi makes most of my other apps run faster. Up until then, I never used it and kept it turned off because I thought it would drain my battery faster. Then I discovered how quickly I could look up baseball scores or check my Facebook or refer to IMDB for that guy who was in that one movie with that girl about the thing that does the thing.

And so, if the Wi-Fi makes those other apps work better, then why not leave it on all the time?

Troubleshooting weak GPS signal tip No. 2: turn off Wi-Fi. Oh, facepalm ...

And just to make things worse, I almost posted this entry without realizing I was composing it in the drafts for my banjo blog. Thank goodness for copy and paste. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Double Trouble

The yard work and running duathlon has become my new event. Having completed the reel mower-city lot division and 11-mile run event Sunday, last night's motorized mower-suburban yard division and three-mile run seemed like a cake walk. However, the heat did its part to accelerate dehydration during the evening's challenge.

My father has been on the disabled list this past month, so I've stopped by my childhood home a couple times to cut the grass for my parents. Their yard is probably more than twice the size of ours, but it takes about the same amount of time to cut with a motorized, self-propelled mower.

The sun blazed down on me and got my sweat glands primed for my run at Hampton Hills, following the yard work portion of the duathlon. The car ride provided just enough time to cool down, before venturing back into the heat for a short trail run.

Thankfully, at about 7:30 p.m., the sun had become less intense and the trees provided some cooling shade, but my pores were still exuding sweat at a rapid rate. As I warned against yesterday, I didn't carry any water with me on the run, and I could have used it.

My average pace was a mediocre 12:17 per mile, but the run kept me on track for this week's goals. The weekend plans include another three-miler and a 12-mile long run.

After obsessing over my weight earlier this year, I've not written about it in a month, and turns out that was for the better. My new routine has been to weigh myself on Thursdays, usually after a run. Since early April, all my measurements have been below my preferred threshold of 175 pounds, and the BMI tracker on my running spreadsheet pins me at a reading of 25.03 (based on my overall trend weight) -- still a bit high, but way better than how I started the year.

I was on a bit of a post-wedding binge, kind of like the "Freshmen 15" for married people, but I'm happy to report my consistent running and better food choices have pulled me out of the tailspin. My goal is get down to around 170 pounds before the Akron Marathon.

Back Talk
Wherein we discuss the difference between whining and hyperbole

Carolina John quenches his thirst for snarkyness: "I'm not going to feel pity for you with temps in the 70's [sic] and 80's [sic]. oh [sic] poor viper [sic]. We've been sitting on 93* highs for a few days now. which [sic] is still considered to be a mild summer temp in NC. this [sic] sucks."

Answer: While I stand by my statement that this humidity feels awful during a run, the weather has been quite enjoyable otherwise. It's just early, which means my body isn't acclimated to running in it. Like MizzSippy commented, I usually won't carry any water for non-long runs once we're in the thick of summer.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

The Viper's Home Strength Routine

God, I hate cross training. But I recognize the benefit of doing exercise that isn't running to benefit my running and overall fitness. Over the years, I've tried many things, but nothing ever sticks like the proverbial spaghetti on the wall.

Most people know that I'm a cheapskate, so it shouldn't surprise you that all of these exercises can be done at home with minimal equipment. Here's what I've been doing this year:

100-Ups
This little drill was all the rage a few months ago after Chris McDougall wrote about it for the New York Times. A website popped up and people were challenging each other to see if it made them better runners. I've found that the drill has strengthened my hips and helped me stop kicking myself in the calves when I run. I do the Major exercise in sets of 20 repetitions (n.b., I worked up from the Minor version first). Here's a good video of the exercise.

Combo Planks
Taken from Jamoosh's abandoned Hard Core Club, I do a series of single and combination planks. Currently, I'm stuck on two sets per side of combo planks (30 seconds each position) with bookends of forward planks.

Dumbbell Curls
This is the only exercise that requires actual exercise equipment. I use either 10 or 20 pounds (sometimes both). I'm up to four sets of 10 with the 20-pounder and three sets of 20 with the 10-pounder.

Chair Dips
With two chairs set apart a bit wider than my hips, I do two or three sets of 10.

Push-Ups
Good old-fashioned push-ups, usually two or three sets of 10, depending how those chair dips felt.

Bicycle Sit-Ups
These are tough after the planks, which is why I save them for last. I do two or three sets of 30. I used to make the mistake of doing these as fast as I could, but I think I get better results from doing them slow and deliberately.

My goal is to complete this routine once a week. It usually takes me 25 to 30 minutes, which is perfect for a workout on an off-day (i.e., from running). Combined with a run, it's an ass-kicker.

Feel free to give my little workout routine a try, and let me know how it works for you. I make the assumption that most of you know what these exercises are, but feel free to ask questions if not. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Of Altitude and Bareness

It seems all my altitude training paid off, as last night's barefoot three-miler was blisteringly fast. My phone clocked me at a 9:04 pace, a new fastest, and my lungs felt better than they have in weeks.

This weekend's schedule calls for another three-miler and a seven-miler, which I'll likely run on trails. It's been a couple weeks since I've completed all the planned runs on my pre-training schedule. I'm hoping to change that trend.

Last week, I was forced to cut my attempted seven-miler to six miles because of fatigue. While I'm still coughing up gross bits and suffering from a stuffy nose, my energy level is much better than it was during that run.

The weather has been more than ideal for March and is forecast to remain in the high 60s and 70s for the next several days. It's almost criminal not to be running.

Back Talk
Wherein we address the resident heckler

Nitmos seeks to put salt in the wound: "You know what would have prevented that left big toe hot spot?"

Answer: Grapefruit rinds? Although socks would have likely done the trick.

Happy Hour is just around the corner, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend and don't get too out of line this St. Patrick's Day. Remember to cast out the snakes and don't order an Irish Car Bomb in the vicinity of an Irishman. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Whistling in the Dark

It was supposed to be a group run last night, but my cohorts were all too busy, and so I was on my own for an "it's dark already?" after-work run through the woods. Hampton Hills is a spooky place in its own right, much more so when the moon is the only light you see.

The 3.2-mile trail at Hampton Hills connects to an area called Top O' the World, which has connections to urban legends, recounting ax murderers and satanic cults, and to an actual murder a few years ago. I can't not think of these things as I emerge from the grove of pine trees planted by Girl Scouts in the 1960s to the open field at the top of the hills.

My headlamp lit a small swath of ground, while my peripherals were ensconced in blackness. My ears made up creepy sounds to go along with the wind. My pace quickened as I passed the sign pointing the way to murder. Headlights blinked through the trees along the nearby road. The trail re-entered the woods and its creaking timber.

Like whistling past a graveyard, I tried to lighten my mood and focus on the fun I was having running across this blood-soaked moonlit terrain.

My legs felt surprisingly spry. The downhills seemed to recharge my thighs for the next steep ascent. My average pace on these hilly trails was just four seconds slower than an easy neighborhood run last week. It must be due to all those controversial "100-Ups" I've been doing at work.

A word of caution, though, dear reader: Make sure you're dressing appropriately for your evening runs. Twilight turns to pitch black night in a hurry. Wear your reflective gear, and carry some form of lighting device. Cheers!

Making It Right

Robin said (and Jess agreed) that I should shoot a letter to Injinji about my sad sock situation. So I did. This morning I received an e-mail back from the company's customer service department.

We am very sorry that you had a less than positive experience with our liner toesocks. The liner series is one of the newest and most popular socks for Vibram Five Finger Shoes. 

From my understanding (without being able to properly fit your foot) you might have a better experience with our Original Performance Series. What we can suggest to you is an Original Performance series sock, which has more Lycra knitted in with the COOLMAX fibers to provide a more custom fit in your socks. The Original Performance has all the same attributes as the COOLMAX liner and is the one featured on the Vibram Five Finger website.

With our compliments we would like to send you a pair of Performance Series Crew socks in a large which should be the correct size. Please let me know what your experiences are with this sock as compared to the Liner Series. Please also note that if your Vibram shoes are fit snuggly putting them on with this new sock may take a little extra time.

The grammar flub and over-capitalization notwithstanding, I commend Injinji for caring enough to rectify my complaint.

I wore the offending socks again last night as the Enthusiast and I tackled some hill repeats. I noticed a small hole had formed in the webbing of the pinky toes. While the lack of fabric to strangulate my toes increased my comfort level, I'm disappointed that these socks have worn down so fast. I've logged a grand total of 15 miles in them, which equates to about 80 cents per mile--not very cost effective for socks.

I hope the new pair fit better and are more durable. Since Injinji was good enough to try to appease me, I'll provide a more level-headed (boring) review of the Performance Series socks they send.

A Different Kind of Taper

A few Christmases back, I got a full-on jogging suit made by Target's C9 by Champion. The pants and jacket are a windbreaker material, but are at least a size too big for me. The pants feel like bellbottoms. The jacket works well as a springtime jacket, but not for running.

However, when it comes this time of year in Ohio, I need a second lower layer, and these wind pants are my only option other than sweatpants. And come on, sweatpants? That's so passe. Nobody would believe I'm a runner in those.

So it is the giant wind pants I am forced to wear. I have to hike them up over my bellybutton like your stereotypical grandpa and double over the waistband to keep the bottom of the legs from dragging on the ground.

I think I'd really like a pair of tapered wind pants some day, but in the mean time I made my own. Back in the 1980s we used French cuff our pants and wear scrunchy socks with penny loafers. For you kids, the French cuff  was where you fold over the pant leg before rolling it up to create a taper. I have now adapted this concept to running gear.

I knew an actual French cuff would not hold with nylon material and the jostling of the running motion. Instead of rolling the leg up after the fold over move, I grabbed two safety pins left over from a racing bib and secured the taper. My wind pants have a zippered side, which allows me to leave the safety pin in place.

The modification to my wind pants held up well during yesterday morning's run. I can now hold off on buying a new pair until I see an irresistible sale.

Stretching: A Hairy Situation

Today, I eschew the reviews in favor of a public service announcement: Stretching is dangerous, teammates. Yes, I know all the gurus say that post-run stretching wards off injury, but I'm here to tell you that it can very well lead to injury.

After my past four runs, stretching has proven to be difficult and dangerous. I can bend over and touch my toes all right. But it starts to get hairy with Downward Facing Dog. Suddenly, I'm swarmed. I have to jolt from my relaxed position to protect myself. My head starts to feel all wet. When I switch to a stretch that has me lying on my back, however, is when the real pain begins.

Here I am trying to fend off the dangers of stretching. I apologize that my camera work is shoddy while being mauled. In case you haven't already met him, this is Dobson. (Coincidentally, the blur in the upper right corner is my other Dobson.) Every time I'm seated or on my back stretching after a run, I hear the clatter of his giant paws bounding toward me. He's a menace. I'm never stretching again.

Flashback Friday: Pre-Race Omen

Last Friday was the day of the Akron Marathon race expo, where I nabbed some nifty knickknacks. I took a half day off work because that night I was inexplicably going to a high school football game and otherwise would have been strapped for time.

During half time of the game, the visiting team's marching band played a mix of tunes that apparently high schoolers only recognize from something called "Guitar Hero."

The band started strong with a Bon Jovi medley of "You Give Love a Bad Name" and "Living on a Prayer." (I'm ignoring the very recognizable, post-Bad Medicine song they mixed in because give me a break that's not Bon Jovi.)

They played some newfangled rock and roll song I didn't recognize. And then they played a certain Journey song, which I took it as a good sign at the time. But looking back, maybe the uneven rendition of the song was an omen to my pacing.

The home team's band was way more entertaining.

Just Asking
Did someone run over Vanilla with a slow-moving vehicle? Seriously, where has that guy been?

Back Talk
Wherein we find joy in anatomy.

Meg Runs, much like everyone else, finds happiness in my blog: "So happy I don't have to worry about shrinking scrotums."

Answer: Expanding scrotums can be just as bad. You could trip!

Happy Hour is almost upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend and good luck to those of you with races. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Dr. Viper Saves Your Marriage

So, I get this e-mail from this guy David, whose permission I did not ask to print his name so at least I'll be courteous and withhold his last name. Those of you who have e-mailed me know that I don't commonly reply because I don't want to be pen pals with any of you. But this one tugged at the ol' heart strings -- and snapped off a few of the cold, dead ones.

David wrote:

Mr. Viper,

I've been reading your blog for about a year and enjoy your stories and comments -- thanks for writing.

I noted in your last post that you ran a 20-miler with a cycling companion. I've been considering asking my wife to ride while I ran my long runs, but wasn't sure how well that would work.

[Yadda, yadda, yadda deleted]

I'm heading toward 60-mile weeks -- which means I need to include my wife if I want to stay married.

Any comments/wisdom/advice would be much appreciated. I don't know, maybe this whole thing is a bad idea ...

Thanks,

David

Well, people, I'm here to tell you that this whole thing is a bad idea. Don't you know that you're not supposed to share your passions with your significant other? And spending two to four hours alone with that person? Also a dumb move. What are you going to do, talk to each other? Why, that could lead to a closer relationship and better understanding between you two.

Regardless, here is my priceless advice. But don't say I didn't warn you.

The biggest challenge for the biker is your slow-ass pace. The biker should expect to ride about half as fast as normal to match your running pace. I run between 6-7.5 mph, which means two to four hours in the saddle during those long runs. That makes for one painful ass, but that's why they make those silly-looking padded shorts.

Recommended gear:

• Silly-looking padded shorts
• Bike computer that measures miles per hour and distance
• Rack/bag for extra water bottles, food, etc.
• Mirror for road running/biking
• Hand-held water bottle or belt (you both need your own water)

Benefits of running with a biker:

• Unloneliness of a long-distance runner
• Pacing control
• Motivation
• Distraction from brutal mileage
• Let's face it, it's nice to have your own mule for extra supplies

Things to watch out for:

• Traffic
• Taking up more space as a biker/runner unit
  
• Getting passed with no room to move over
• Avoiding collision with biker/runner
• Tire-popping pot holes
  

David also had a few specific questions:

• Is your pace compatible with the cyclist on long, steep uphills? On steeper grades, yes, a runner can keep pace or outrun a bike. However, the biker should ride ahead for the bigger hills to maintain momentum. The runner can play catch up.
• What does the cyclist do on long downhills (when gravity wants to carry them away from you at 15 mph)? Depends on the hill and traffic. If it's convenient, the biker can brake to the runner's speed.
• Do you have the cyclist carry fluids/gels? If so, do you exchange on the go? Yes, have the biker carry extra water, sports drinks, gels, etc. (See recommended gear above). Exchanging on the go is possible, but if the runner is grabbing something from a bike-mounted bag, be sure not to disturb the biker's balance.
• Do you have any advice for negotiating traffic? Communication is key. If one of you hears/sees an approaching car, cyclist, speedier runner, etc., tell the other and fall in line. The biker should pedal ahead and the runner should slow down and move behind the bike when passing or being passed. Make sure you follow the five-second rule when you are passing others.
  

One final note: Make sure the biker knows how much you appreciate the company and remember that the biker's ass hurts as much as your legs do. David, your wife may ask you to give her a butt massage after a long run. Don't complain about it.

And there you have it. Marriage: saved. Running: enriched. If any of you have further suggestions, please say so in the comments. Cheers!

Uncharted Territory

Nine weeks to go, and I'm already beyond the highest weekly mileage I ran in 2008 (34 miles). I'm only 11 miles shy of my highest ever monthly tally (133 miles). I knew I would be running more this year as I trained for the Akron Marathon, but I didn't expect to be in my personal no-man's land so soon.

I'm not even halfway through my training plan. There are bigger challenges ahead and many pitfalls to avoid.

This week will culminate in my first 20-miler of the year, pushing me into my first 40-mile week ever. I will peak at 43 miles (twice) next month when I run the Summer Un-Solstice Challenge with Martini in three weeks and log my second 20-miler in six weeks.

The goal is always to stay healthy while covering the miles. So far, I've missed only one, hopefully inconsequential four-miler. I'm just trying to take this training season day by day, run by run. As my grandma always said, "Any day I don't shit my pants is a good day."

Don't Make Me Pee My Pants When You Pass

A common theme surfaced among the comments I received about yesterday's post on notifying others when you're passing from behind. It seems many bikers and runners worry about startling others when they shout "on your left" or some such warning.

I say, stop worrying. I'd rather be a little startled than a little run over.

I am all too aware of the jumpiness among the passed, because oftentimes I get startled in these situations. It happens when I get into my zone, just cruising along in my happy place when some spandex-encased biker -- or a rare feather-footed runner -- invades my nirvana with a nasally, "Passing!"

The key to avoiding this is in the timing. If I hear someone call out their approach and then pass me the next second, my shit will get freaked out. My natural reaction when I hear "on your left" is to look left before I do anything else. If I look left and see the passer already at my shoulder, that's not a very good warning.

On the other foot, if I have few moments notice -- say five seconds or more -- I am less flinchy. Just by the sound of the voice, I can tell that the person is not in my hip pocket. We all need to be aware of our approaching speed and the time it takes for someone to hear our warning, process it and react accordingly. Hopefully, that means getting the fuck out of the way.

However, you might get a different reaction. Another worry came from Some guy named John: "I find that when I say 'on your left' when I'm about to pass someone on my bike or trusty Asics training flats, they more often than not give me a dirty scowl of a look. I've even had several people tell me to go to hell when I warn them of an impending pass. So, it's a dilemma for me: Rather than doing unto others as I'd have them do unto me, I do unto others as they seem to want for me to do unto them."

I'd place this reaction into the category of "you can't please all the people all the time." Some people are just assholes. Forget them.

I try to say thank you when I receive a good passing notice. I will also call out those fuckwads who don't give me a good warning. It's important that we all do our part to maintain proper etiquette on our shared pathways, trails and roads.

I hereby enact, the Five-Second Rule of passing etiquette.

The Five-Second Rule: Give those slower occupiers of your exercise space five seconds notice with a loud, clear voice to warn them that you are passing. Call out, "on your left" or "passing" or something else equally understood, and make sure to pass on their left side as you would should do in a motor vehicle. (Passing on the right is a dick move.) Whether you are on a bike or running, the distance before you give warning will vary with speed.

On Your Left

Is it that hard to say?

After reading Vanilla's recent post on cyclists, I decided I'd pile on the anti-cyclist rhetoric. It's not like I haven't done it before.

My main issue with cyclists is when they don't warn you that they are approaching from behind. Granted, cyclists are not the only guilty culprits of this anti-notification trend. I've had runners spook me on the path when they suddenly appeared in my peripheral to pass -- not very often, mind you, but it's happened. However, it seems cyclists are a large percentage of the pass-but-don't-tell population. I'm guessing it's because they don't get passed as often and don't realize just how quiet they are.

Even if you're not a lead-footed runner like me, it's hard to hear anything coming from behind you. And that's true whether you are walking, running, biking or hula-hooping.

Have you ever noticed how the human ear is oriented to hear things in front of and to the side of the body and not so much to the rear? The pinna, for most people, is angled away from our backs. Furthermore, if an object is approaching at a high rate of speed, the Doppler Effect reduces our ability to hear it and react in a timely manner.

Physically and physics-ally, we runners can't hear you ass-hat cyclists (or you jerkface faster runners) zipping up on our backs. We'd get out of your way if we could hear you. Just remember that when you have to swerve off the path and end up flying over your handlebars because I didn't move when you didn't say "on your left." Stop being such a douche bucket and let me know when you're passing. And do it before I can see you out of the corner of my eye.

Kiss My Arse

You would think that a blog that professes the benefits of a tipple ever so often would sing the praises of a holiday that has become by and large all about drinking. Not so. You will not see St. Patrick's Day wished happily here.

That is because this day brings out the amateurs. Oh, let me get dallied up in green and pretend to be of a culture I'm not while getting piss wasted on green American beer. Fuck that.

I'd rather celebrate my Scots-Irish heritage by kicking some faux Irishman off his bar stool, pissing in his green beer and kicking back a snort Bushmills and a pint of Guinness while wishing I'd ordered a suitable Scotch whisky instead. Just like my forefathers.

Today I'm wearing a plaid shirt and an orange hoodie. God save the queen. Kiss my arse.

Get Your Weak Shit Out of Here

It happened to me during each of my last two runs.

There was the douche bucket who could barely pass me on a downhill after he turned around for a three-miler while I was on my sixth mile of eight. And there was the man in the sleeveless windbreaker who took his time passing me during the Shamrock 15-K. Both runners' passing tactics pissed me off.

I will not abide your lame ass attempt at oneupsmanship.

My boss is a runner and ran track in high school and maybe some college. One day while I was groveling at his feet he told me, When you pass someone, you want to break his spirit.

Passing is not a game, it's a statement. Passing another runner says, I am better than you. And when you say that in a competition -- no matter how friendly -- you'd better be able to back it up. Otherwise you'll be choking on your concession speech when I return the favor.

I have three rules about passing:

• Pass with speed and authority
  
• Don't let up as soon as you are by; rub it in
  
• Do not get passed by a person you passed

This does not include those runners you scamper past early in a race when everyone is settling into their pace. No, these rules are to be followed during dramatic late stages where the race truly emerges.

Passing requires strategy. You don't want to pass too early and risk encountering a finishing kick you can't beat. But by rote, you don't want to pass too late. You must pass your mark at just the right time. Consider this the Goldilocks Paradox.

My strategy is seek the puke threshold and emerge victorious. Or puked upon.

Finding the right moment to pass requires trial and error, intuition and fortitude. The right moment will vary from race to race, day to day. You must run within yourself and know what you're capable of during a given stage of a race. And you must have faith in yourself.

So dispatch your weak passing maneuvers and start passing with authority. Let those other runners know you're better than them. Break their spirit. And if you can add a fart while doing this, you will also break their composure. Just don't shit your pants.