Flashback Friday: Kept Short

While I made my return to running this week, I have kept my outings short, in the range of three to four miles. And while I also made my return to blogging this week, I will also keep it short today.

We have been blessed with some excellent early autumn weather this week, and I'm looking forward to running this weekend. Perhaps the weather gods are making up for the doomed winter forecast. Of course, I thought the forecast for the Akron Marathon was bad, and it turned out to be a great day.

It seems that the lesson, here, is to worry like hell and overemphasize how absolutely, mind-crushingly bad things will be, and then reality will turn out OK.

At any rate, today is a great day to go home early, so I will.

Back Talk
Wherein we answer questions and stuff.

Jamoosh wonders about the Altra Adams: "Interesting (and good) review. I wonder how well they keep stuff out."

Answer: Quite well. The snugness around the ankle is akin to the Vibram KSOs, which as you know stands for Keep Stuff Out. I have had no issues, and most of my mileage has been on debris-laden terrain.

Nitmos has a fruity question about my newest shoes: "But are they better than watermelon rinds and twine?"

Answer: They certainly don't taste better.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Pre-Race Omen

Last Friday was the day of the Akron Marathon race expo, where I nabbed some nifty knickknacks. I took a half day off work because that night I was inexplicably going to a high school football game and otherwise would have been strapped for time.

During half time of the game, the visiting team's marching band played a mix of tunes that apparently high schoolers only recognize from something called "Guitar Hero."

The band started strong with a Bon Jovi medley of "You Give Love a Bad Name" and "Living on a Prayer." (I'm ignoring the very recognizable, post-Bad Medicine song they mixed in because give me a break that's not Bon Jovi.)

They played some newfangled rock and roll song I didn't recognize. And then they played a certain Journey song, which I took it as a good sign at the time. But looking back, maybe the uneven rendition of the song was an omen to my pacing.

The home team's band was way more entertaining.

Just Asking
Did someone run over Vanilla with a slow-moving vehicle? Seriously, where has that guy been?

Back Talk
Wherein we find joy in anatomy.

Meg Runs, much like everyone else, finds happiness in my blog: "So happy I don't have to worry about shrinking scrotums."

Answer: Expanding scrotums can be just as bad. You could trip!

Happy Hour is almost upon us, teammates. Have a finely brewed weekend and good luck to those of you with races. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Dr. Viper Saves Your Marriage

So, I get this e-mail from this guy David, whose permission I did not ask to print his name so at least I'll be courteous and withhold his last name. Those of you who have e-mailed me know that I don't commonly reply because I don't want to be pen pals with any of you. But this one tugged at the ol' heart strings -- and snapped off a few of the cold, dead ones.

David wrote:

Mr. Viper,

I've been reading your blog for about a year and enjoy your stories and comments -- thanks for writing.

I noted in your last post that you ran a 20-miler with a cycling companion. I've been considering asking my wife to ride while I ran my long runs, but wasn't sure how well that would work.

[Yadda, yadda, yadda deleted]

I'm heading toward 60-mile weeks -- which means I need to include my wife if I want to stay married.

Any comments/wisdom/advice would be much appreciated. I don't know, maybe this whole thing is a bad idea ...

Thanks,

David

Well, people, I'm here to tell you that this whole thing is a bad idea. Don't you know that you're not supposed to share your passions with your significant other? And spending two to four hours alone with that person? Also a dumb move. What are you going to do, talk to each other? Why, that could lead to a closer relationship and better understanding between you two.

Regardless, here is my priceless advice. But don't say I didn't warn you.

The biggest challenge for the biker is your slow-ass pace. The biker should expect to ride about half as fast as normal to match your running pace. I run between 6-7.5 mph, which means two to four hours in the saddle during those long runs. That makes for one painful ass, but that's why they make those silly-looking padded shorts.

Recommended gear:

• Silly-looking padded shorts
• Bike computer that measures miles per hour and distance
• Rack/bag for extra water bottles, food, etc.
• Mirror for road running/biking
• Hand-held water bottle or belt (you both need your own water)

Benefits of running with a biker:

• Unloneliness of a long-distance runner
• Pacing control
• Motivation
• Distraction from brutal mileage
• Let's face it, it's nice to have your own mule for extra supplies

Things to watch out for:

• Traffic
• Taking up more space as a biker/runner unit
  
• Getting passed with no room to move over
• Avoiding collision with biker/runner
• Tire-popping pot holes
  

David also had a few specific questions:

• Is your pace compatible with the cyclist on long, steep uphills? On steeper grades, yes, a runner can keep pace or outrun a bike. However, the biker should ride ahead for the bigger hills to maintain momentum. The runner can play catch up.
• What does the cyclist do on long downhills (when gravity wants to carry them away from you at 15 mph)? Depends on the hill and traffic. If it's convenient, the biker can brake to the runner's speed.
• Do you have the cyclist carry fluids/gels? If so, do you exchange on the go? Yes, have the biker carry extra water, sports drinks, gels, etc. (See recommended gear above). Exchanging on the go is possible, but if the runner is grabbing something from a bike-mounted bag, be sure not to disturb the biker's balance.
• Do you have any advice for negotiating traffic? Communication is key. If one of you hears/sees an approaching car, cyclist, speedier runner, etc., tell the other and fall in line. The biker should pedal ahead and the runner should slow down and move behind the bike when passing or being passed. Make sure you follow the five-second rule when you are passing others.
  

One final note: Make sure the biker knows how much you appreciate the company and remember that the biker's ass hurts as much as your legs do. David, your wife may ask you to give her a butt massage after a long run. Don't complain about it.

And there you have it. Marriage: saved. Running: enriched. If any of you have further suggestions, please say so in the comments. Cheers!

Flashback Friday

The flock milled about the infield, chewing the grass. Suddenly, I had the sensation that I've written this sentence before. But that time, I was talking about geese.

This time, the track was overpopulated with some sort of organized activity group consisting of people of, let's say, a certain mental faculty.

Rain threatened, but it did not fall last night as I ran my intervals, weaving in and out of puddles and people who did not understand what it meant when I yelled, "Track!" That is my excuse for failure in the following stats:

• Intervals: 6 x 800 meters
• Goal pace: 7:19-7:39 per mile
• Lap 1: 3:31.62 (7:04 per mile)
  
• Lap 2: 3:45.74 (7:33 per mile)
  
• Lap 3: 3:51.87 (7:45 per mile) FAIL
• Lap 4: 3:54.92 (7:51 per mile) FAIL
  
• Lap 5: 3:45.39 (7:33 per mile)
• Lap 6: 3:50:36 (7:43 per mile) FAIL
• Average pace: 7:35 per mile
  
• Total distance: 6.2 miles

I added three failures last night. Lap 4 was eerily similar to my previous Lap 4, a difference of 0.01 seconds, and the average pace also was the same as my last track session. However, the total distance got me over the 57-mile hump.

That said, April is done. Here is the statistical run-down:

• Total Miles: 59 miles (12 runs)
• Highest Weekly: 20 miles
  
• Average Weekly: 12.1 miles
  
• Average Pace: 9:39 per mile
  
• Longest/Fastest Run: 6 miles, 9:05 pace
  
• The Monthly Dif: +2 miles (57 miles in March)

Tune in next month to see if I can reach 60 miles! I hope the anticipation kills you.

Back Talk
Wherein I chastise my new readers and expect them to willingly return again.

BrianFlash of Team Flash stops by Team BHI to confess his sins: "I love beer and running (although at my age, I'm drinking less and running more)."

Answer: Booze Hounds laboratories have conducted studies that show it actually takes less effort to drink more and run less as we age. Consult your local Pub for proper penance.

Tfh needs a lesson in musical instruments: "You really do march to the beat of a different drummer, don't you. Playing your banjo, clambering over hotel furniture barefoot, running sockless."

Answer: Just because a banjo looks like a drum on a stick does not mean I'm a drummer. Note of caution: Sockless intervals may lead to blisters.

That's all for this week, teammates. Have a fine weekend. Good luck to all racers. Run well and drink well.

Flashback Friday: Keeping Promises

I know how much you readers love to root for my failure. So here is another chance. This month I embarked on a fool's errand to log more miles each consecutive month until the Akron Marathon.

To continue that trend, I must surpass 57 miles for April. Therefore, I need to run 26 miles in seven days. Complicating matters is a business trip Tuesday and Wednesday, which may prevent me from running on those days.

Will I do it? Place your bets now.

Back Talk
Wherein I unleash my irritable responses to your inane, insidious and insubordinate comments.

Responding to some criticism about his hypothesis about the limits to how fast a human can run a mile, gravityandlevity says: "Nonetheless, if any human runs a mile in under 3:39.6 during my lifetime, I'll eat my hat."

Answer: Pfft! Yeah, sure you will. I've heard that claim before.

Ms. V. proves that she has some weird fetishes for banjo players with blistered feet: "I simply have a little crush on you now Viper. First the blister, now the banjo."

Answer: Creepy! Anybody know the protocol for filing restraining orders against Internet stalkers? Next I'm going to find out you'll be in Akron for Founders Day. I'll be the guy with the beard and big sunglasses.

Spike doesn't care for my blister as much as Ms. V.: "That's it? That is your blister! Until it is the size of a nickle, don't complain."

Answer: Complain? I was showing off my sexy feet for my Internet stalkers with weird fetishes.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a debauched and depraved weekend. Good luck to all the racers out there, especially Mr. Not-the-Viper-banjo-man. Run well and drink well. Cheers.

OMG! NO SOCKS?!? G4SP!!1!

You'd have thought I said I ran in cotton or something. The reactions I got from parenthetically mentioning I ran with no socks ranged from ridicule to disgust.

• TFH wondered, how do I keep my feet from stinking?
• Vava accused me of disrespecting my shoes and feet.
• Spike asked if I followed my run with a Natty Ice. (Not sure what that's supposed to mean.)
• Jess assumes my feet are a hot sweaty mess and can't see how I didn't get blisters.
• And joyRuN, well, she doesn't think it's all that strange, actually.

This is not the first time I have run without socks. But for some reason, I decided that no socks would be my thing this year. As long as the weather is suitable.

No, my feet don't sweat so exceptionally. In fact, I figure that my socks are actually keeping them wet. As you might have noticed, running shoes are made with technical fibers and mesh. They breathe pretty well and keep my feet dry and cool.

If I do happen to catch a whiff of stench, I have Target's version of Gold Bond medicated powder to take care of the odor and dampness.

The insoles do tend to stick to my feet upon removal. I have to unlace each shoe a bit more than normal or the insole will come out with my foot.

My feet so far have not blistered. Most running shoes are pretty foot-friendly and are virtually seamless. Even if my feet did blister, then they would form a callous when healed. So I'm not too worried about that.

To further persuade you that I didn't drink the purple cocktail, allow me to present Exhibit A: Brian Sell, 2008 Olympic marathoner.

Brooks modified its T6 Racer specifically to accommodate Sell's preference to run minus socks.

However, you do have to be smart about running without socks. After the Beijing Olympics, Sell's feet were ravaged because of the humidity. Those shoes don't look so pretty now, do they?

Sell talked about the weather and his feet after the marathon in an interview with Flotrack:

Flashback Friday: We Are Family

I know it will suck. I just signed up for a race next weekend that I have never run, not the event nor the distance. A gauranteed PR. But I am not prepared to do well. It is the Shamrock 15-K, but the course is anything but lucky. Near the end is a giant hill where I will shirly lose my manhood when I come upon it on Sunday, March 8.

The nice thing is that the race starts at noon, so any hangover should dissipate by then.

Back Talk
The part where your favorite drunken uncle -- or "drunkle," in the parlance of our times -- the part where your drunkle, yes, that sounds much better thank you, hiccup, your durnkle ... your drunkle goes and you know what that makes you my nieces and nephews how about that that's just strange isn't it though how I could be your but wait how did you guys get here you didn't take the I-5 did you?

TFH considers the dangers of dangerous running: "How do you know if you're allergic to death by car impact?"

Answer: Symptoms may include a bruised torso, head trauma, lacerations or "road burn," catastrophic blood loss, punctured spleen, collapsed lungs and pulverized pelvis.

Vanilla wonders about the state of our nation: "We still have fords in this country?"

Answer: Was that fords or Fords? One of these things will be around longer than the other.

Carolina John must belong to PETA: "Viper, you vs. car would leave the kind of road stain that random small woodland creatures would get drunk on. So I think you should now avoid night running as a service to animals. Do it for the raccoons, man!"

Answer: I am doing it for the raccoons. And the deer and the foxes and the squirrels. Fauna sometimes need a dram.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us. Get ye to a brewery! Have a fine weekend, teammates. Run well and drink well.

Flashback Friday: Conservatively Compassionate

Two things I liked during my seven-miler last night:

• The two young men on the street corner who dropped a beat a when I ran past them, a perfect rhythm to my imperfect stride. The beat was in my head for the rest of my run.
• The fellow in the SUV who pulled alongside me when I approached an apartment driveway, stopped in the road, and waved me on when I looked at him. He gets the Good Motorist Award for communication and courtesy.

One thing I didn't like:

• The schmuck who pulled his junker sedan halfway into the bank driveway I was crossing and then looked at me as if his right of way was being violated. This clever move forced me to stop running before he completed his turn. This jackass motorist gets added my ever-growing list of grievances (previously stated here and here).

Only 160 miles to go.

Sitings Elsewhere
Payback is a bitch.

Sarah gives thanks to me (and a few others).

Apparently, I'm Ms. V's fountain of youth. Read on to find out what mine is.

Captain TL;DR (or GQ to most of you) thinks I'm a wounded soul and, for some reason, a red-head. It's not the first time, nor the last, that he's been wrong.

Vanilla doesn't think too highly of my snot-rocket technique. Fair enough, I never thought highly of him.

Marcy shares the struggle to run.

Mike at Running Is Funny didn't think I was funny this week. Coincidentally, neither was he.

Reader Contributions
Well, wouldn't you know it, one of you actually wrote something in the comments worth sharing. There's a first time for everything.

Ms. V shares some very important lab studies, which if successful will help the Viper live for 120 years. Some drunk geeks at MIT have been brewing "BioBeer," which contains a specially engineered yeast that produces resveratrol, the anti-aging chemical found in red wine. [Drunkard's note: Team BHI reported on these benefits of red wine and some additional health benefits of beer in February.]

Back Talk
Wherein I hurt your delicate feelings to make myself feel better about myself.

Joyrun tells me how I should have reacted to the Jackass in White Shorts: "I woulda passed him & tripped his sorry ass up on the way. But hey, I'm a vindictive b*tch like that."

Answer: Yes, you are.

Al is a little more compassionate about my fall: "I would have asked if you were ok, and seeing that you were, then laughed."

Answer: This seems to be a common sentiment among my jerk readers.

Turi is a little too fixated on cockles: "Warm cockles. Yeah, that's why I'm doing early morning runs on the treadmill. Too chilly out. Didn't think of trying cider. How do you apply that to the cockles?"

Answer: We'd have to use a bone saw to open up your chest plate and pour the cider directly on your heart to warm the cockles. Dr. Viper is willing to perform this back-alley surgery for a nominal fee.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Enjoy your weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Out of Breath

Well, this is it, folks. All I have to do from here on out is make it to the starting line. The Towpath Marathon is Sunday, and I'm feeling charged from all this breathing, hydrating, carb-reloading and electrolyte replacement since the Akron Marathon.

I've got my training and my past races under my belt, and I'm feeling primed and ready to break four hours. And because I know there are a few other bloggers out there getting ready for a marathon this weekend, I thought I'd share some of my veteran advice, gleaned from my own experiences.

Ten things to avoid on race weekend:

1. Do not fall into an open mine shaft
2. Do not contract plague or the creeping crud
3. Avoid, at all costs, Vienna Sausages
4. If you don't know what Vienna Sausages are, do not find out
5. Do not go to jail without passing go
6. Do not go to Camp Crystal Lake
7. No bear wrestling at your local pub
8. Hold off on any shoe modifications
9. Do not play Russian Roullete with any 'Nam buddies
10. Do not offend the wake-up guy

Back Talk
Wherein I ridicule my readers for their preposterous comments over the past week. This installment features two new commenters, and you know how I like to roll out the red carpet for these special visitors.

New commenter ECrunnergirl starts off on the right foot regarding Tuesday's post: "Amazing man! I'm like you ... a numbers cruncher and goal setter!!! Hang tough and shoot for the moon ... a four-hour marathon is within your reach but remember to enjoy the journey! Best wishes from the East Coast!"

Answer: Numbers cruncher? The East Coast must not be known for its powers of observation. You should see me try to add up my Yahtzee score. I need help remembering to carry the one.

The erratic epicurean on my decision to run a second marathon in two weeks: "[Y]ou're fucking nuts. [I]s that why we're friends?"

Answer: That, and because you're a worthy drinking compadre.

Not-yet-a-marathoner Xenia gives me some marathon strategy pointers: "Does the Towpath marathon have pace teams or are you stuck pacing yourself for this race? If the former, then I can see your strategy working. If the latter, I'm not so sure. Not that I know anything at all about marathoning, but that's my two cents."

Answer: No, there are no pace teams. So thanks for totally jinxing my weekend. I'd appreciate it if you kept your cheap-ass advice to yourself next time.

Sarah thinks maybe I'm too into this whole breathing thing: "I'm beginning to wonder if you should have enrolled yourself in a Lamaze class. Will tomorrow bring breathing exercises part 5? You know, if you hyperventilate and then choke yourself, you can make yourself faint ..."

Answer: Who am I Michael Hutchence? Now that's what I call a new sensation. (Zing!)

New commenter Brooke wants me to play a game: "I've just started reading your blog, and I love it. So I'm tagging you ... check mine for details."

Answer: Thanks for reading, Brooke, and also thank you for tagging me to write six random things about myself and then tag 10 other people to do the same, because I really want to tell everyone about some personal things in my life that I hope will humanize me in the eyes of all my wonderful readers, as I don't think you all really have an appreciation for who the Viper really is in real life, so let me start off by telling you one of my guiding principles: I don't play tag.

Good luck this weekend to all you racers out there. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Running Revisited

I have been good. I have not run one single step all week. Well, OK, I ran like three steps to get across the road once. But that's it.

I've been recovering from Akron's devastation. With lots of food, stretching, sleep, a walk or two, some beers, and some hot spiced cider spiked with Tullamore Dew.

However, recovery ends this weekend. Back on the horse! I'll run 10 miles and see how I feel. And then I will decide on my next move.

Back Talk
Thanks for all the suggestions for which marathon I should run next. Even though your suggestions were completely asinine. Let's take a look-see, shall we?

But first, let's review the requirements:

• Race is within the next month (capped at Nov. 9)
• Cheap overall trip (travel, lodging, race entry, etc.)
• 8 hours from Akron
• Not Oct. 18-19

Marcy suggested the Mohawk-Hudson River Marathon on Oct. 12 in Albany, New York. "It's flat and downhill. Very fast. It's really small though, and Albany is a dump but hey the course is speedy."

Answer: A dump, you say? Well, shucks, that sounds fantastic!

Vanilla voted for the marathon he's doing. "Well, it doesn't really meet any of your requirements, but I hear that all the cool people are going to be running the Arizona Rock 'n' Roll Marathon in January."

Answer: Well, you being there would make me look fast by comparison. But then I'd probably have to actually meet you in person. And that just sounds terrible.

Kristina said I should go for the Richmond Marathon on Nov. 15. "I ran it in '02. It's flat (one moderate hill in the middle), reasonable in size, and fairly well supported by spectators. 7 1/2 hrs. from Akron, according to Google maps."

Answer: You see, people, this is what I like to see. Kristina took the initiative to figure out my travel time. However, Richmond is a little later than I'd prefer. By Nov. 15, I want to be putting on my winter stout weight.

Raulgonemobile showed a little more consideration of the Viper's tastes by recommending the Wineglass Marathon on Oct. 5 in Corning, New York. "It's a flat course, at least. Approximately a 5 hour drive from Akron to Corning, $90 registration at this point."

Answer: Too soon.

Vava wants me to run the Niagara Falls Marathon on Oct. 26. "I'm running the 10k race before the marathon starts, and the course is uber flat - perfect for your sub 4:00 attempt! I think Niagara Falls isn't that far from Akron since my Dad used to drive to Akron all the time from here in Toronto (he's in the rubber industry) ..."

Answer: As ridiculous as it may sound, I don't have a passport. But I guess Sarah Palin waited to get hers too, so I'm not alone.

Adam suggested I just re-run Akron on my own. "I say harass your friends and family into setting up water stations some weekend, then follow the thin blue line and run Akron again. Even if you don't break 4 hours, you should finish first. And think of the excitement in dodging traffic."

Answer: Heck, if I'm really good, I'll recreate the cramping too!

Roisin says I should forget last year's debacle and do Chicago. "It HAS to be better than last year. And there are some excellent drinking opportunities."

Answer: Conveniently, registration for the Chicago Marathon is closed, so I don't have to think of a clever way to say no.

Ms. Dressler urged me to run back from my vacation destination.

Answer: Only if you never come back from yours.

The erratic epicurean thought of herself with the Outer Banks Marathon. "[R]unning near the beach! [G]o for it man! ([C]an i come along? [J]ust think of the NC bbq we could eat post race!!)"

Answer: Maybe when you find the shift key, I'll find the capital.

Sarah wanted to suggest the Detroit Marathon, but she knows how to follow rules. Xenia, however -- and not surprisingly -- does not. "But if you run Detroit you can see/ridicule/punch Nitmos. Isn't that reason enough?"

Answer: Except that I won't be anywhere near Detroit, thankfully.

Ms. V said I leave on a jet plane to run a marathon. "Um. You could FLY 8 hours, and do one in CA!"

Answer: Only if you get me Dodger tickets so I can watch former Cleveland Indians Casey Blake and Manny Ramirez in the playoffs.

Ted wants me to spend the rest of the year getting properly hydrated before tackling another marathon. "How about not thinking about marathon till next year? If I were you, I would be spending time in a hot tub and downing on a six pack of beer."

Answer: How a hot tub, six packs and a marathon?

Jess had an idea that I should run the Twin Cities Marathon. "I don't know if MN is within driving distance from Akron. To be honest, without a map, I'm not entirely sure where Akron is located within ... Ohio, right? Oh dear, I'm sure that somewhere, a geography teacher just died."

Answer: Well, yes, I could drive there (yes, from Ohio). In 12 hours. Or I could fly. For $1,100. But, sadly, registration is closed.

Laura is, as usual, completely off her rocker. "Flights from Akron to Albany the weekend of the Hudson Mohawk Marathon are only $230. I didn't check Cleveland but those might get even cheaper. Anyway, this leads me to the best idea yet:

"Fly to Albany on Friday, then hitch a ride with my mom from Albany to Hartford (90 mins), where you can join me in the Hartford Marathon (supposed to have an awesome post-race party) on Saturday. Try for a sub-4 time. If you fail, go back to Albany and run the Hudson Mohawk Marathon on Sunday with Marcy. TWO chances to reach your goal! How can you go wrong?"

Answer: Where to begin? Only $230? Only? Hitch a ride to Hartford? With your mom? (I can only imagine that conversation.) And pay $90 to race? And then if I don't get under four hours, race again the next day? In Albany? For $75? Yeah, that's cheap. For Warren Buffet! And even he would argue that my money would be better invested in a couple bottles of Bowmore Maltmen's Selection single malt Scotch.

And the Winner Is?
I was going to tally all the votes, but I didn't see the point. And this post is already egregiously long. If I feel good after my run this weekend, then I'm going to run the Towpath Marathon on Oct. 12. I've been wanting to run it. And unlike all your suggestions, this race actually fits all my criteria.

Happy Hour is just a short sub-desk nap away. Have a good weekend all. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

If You're Going to AK-Run

Marathoners pass the Polymer Science building at the University of Akron

I know for a fact one of you is running the Akron Marathon (make that two), but I'm sure there are legions of silent readers who look up to me with slack-jawed awe in anticipation of my encouragement and advice regarding their pursuits in the Rubber City this weekend.

Fear not, my drunk, little minions, the Viper cometh.

As Ms. Addiction says, we Akron racers have one more sleep and one sleepless night before the marathon. I assume you've already prepared for the distance and the hills. Now let's get your mind right.

The Viper's Keys to Success
There are two points along the marathon route that will kill you: the turn onto Howard Street and the second half of the race.

Howard Street goes straight downhill into the Cuyahoga River valley. Just plan on shredding your quads on the descent. This part of the race scares the shit from my bowels. Good luck. Don't die.

The second half of the Akron Marathon is all uphill, as you slowly climb out of that valley. If anyone tells you, "It's all downhill from here," consider this a false statement. And when you get to the Bastard Garman Hill, you might pee your shorts. But don't worry--your shorts will be so wet from sweat that no one will notice. After that, though, it's all downhill.

Your booze taper should have started at 7 a.m. today to allow the toxins to vacate your bloodstream and to properly hydrate. If you haven't already done so, return the office flask to the bottom drawer until Monday.

The good news is that the Akron Marathon is well-supported. There are plenty of bathrooms and aid stations throughout the course. You should have plenty to drink and plenty of GU. There is only one stretch (through the parks) that isn't lined with spectators cheering you on.

Entering Canal Park at the finish is amazing. Revel in the moment. I promise you that nothing will hurt when you see that crowd cheering for you. Let their voices carry you through the finishline.

The post-race "beer" is Michelob Ultra. Get one for the toddler in your life and head to one of the nearby bars for a proper selection. Lockview, 69 Taps, The Northside, Ido Bar, Matinee, Annabell's, Ray's Pub, Frank's Place and Rockne's are all Team BHI-approved rehydration stations. The first two are within ambling distance of the finish and the others are all along the marathon course. Also nearby is the Winking Lizard (two locations, actually).

Sights of Akron
Here are some things to look at as you tour my fair city:

• National Inventors Hall of Fame (at the start)
• The All-American Bridge (the "Y" bridge)
• Firestone Park
• The University of Akron (look for the Red Rocket on the track)
• The Towpath, Sand Run Park and West Akron (i.e., the Viper's running turf, sacred ground)
• Stan Hywet Hall
• The Viper's apartment
• David Giffels' house
• Highland Square
• Diamond Grille
• The Civic Theater
• Canal Park
• And somewhere overhead, the Goodyear Blimp

Where to See the Viper
OK, for those of you who hope to run into me after the race, good luck. I am elusive. And Martini and I have to get to a post-race bash. We have lots of drinking to do before we reach Blackout Island. However, I will hang out at Canal Park for a while after I finish. Timeframe: 10:45 a.m. (pfft!) to 11:30 a.m.

How will you know me? Haven't you seen my picture? I will be wearing a bright yellow New Balance tech shirt, black Champion shorts, red and gray New Balance shoes. And, I may or may not have "Viper" on my race bib.

Disclaimer: I'm just as friendly in person as I am online and I don't like meeting strange people. I can only promise to try and be nice.

See you soon! Cheers!

Event Horizon: 'Do You See the Beast?'

Sixteen days. Nine runs. Three track sessions. Two tempos. Two longs. Two easy. One race on the horizon. I have the marathon in my sights.

Yesterday, I received confirmation of my Akron Marathon registration. Today, I got a personal e-mail from Jim Barnett, the race director, who thanked me for my registration, told me how totally awesome I am and said, "I look forward to shaking your hand again at the finish line." No joke.

After the Buckeye Half Marathon on Sunday, McMillan has assured me that logging a sub-four at Akron should present no significant problem. I'm ready to shoot this beast in the ass.



The New Cure
Last night, I eradicated the lactic acid built up in my legs from Sunday's race. Seven miles at an easy pace (but faster than anticipated) felt comfortable. The leg twinged a few times, but feels better than it did before the race. So, if you are feeling injured, just sign up for a race and you'll be fine.

Forget R.I.C.E. therapy, Dr. Viper says, Race for the cure.

I don't think that slogan has been taken.

Pacing Strategy
Building on my recent goal-achieving success, I have been thinking about how to pace myself for the marathon. Last year, I tried to stay ahead of the four-hour pace group, but they passed me somewhere after the halfway mark and I fell to a 4:26:48 finish, my current PR.

McMillan says my 1:49:09 half marathon means I should be able to hold an 8:48 mile pace for a 3:50:12 finish. My goal was only to come in under four hours. But do I base my pacing strategy on the four-hour goal and try to surge at the end? Or do I attempt to hold on at a faster pace for the whole race? Or perhaps should I tie a bottle of Laphroaig to a stick and chase it like a donkey chasing a carrot?

[Drunkard's update: New donkey photo features Laphroaig! In addition to reading my blog, Sarah also apparently reads my mind, as I had a team of experts working on the above image before she made the comment below. I'm considering getting this image screen-printed onto a running shirt. Cheers!]

Stop Hating on Akron

Akron, ain't she purdy?

On my past two posts, I've gotten some flack about the Akron Marathon, which has really bunched up my panties in an uncomfortable way.

In particular, some supercilious new reader commented on Friday's post, "Akron. A marathon in Akron? Why?"

Well, I'll tell you why, Ms. Jerky Pants. And I'll tell you with another list because that's how creative I am.

10 Somethings Why a Marathon in Akron

1. I live in Akron, duh!
2. My boss pays my entry fee
3. Do you get the Goodyear blimp flying over your marathon?
   
4. The great course support helps to avoid pants-shitting
   
5. I've already mentioned the route, but you can see for yourself
6. Superman that, yo!
   
7. I don't want to get a DUI by driving some place else to run
8. Similarly, I don't want a DUI from driving back after post race celebrations
9. I like free shoes
10. Don't trust me? How about Runner's World?

Now, the question is, why am I wearing these panties?

Back Talk: Special Blue Line Edition
There was plenty to say about Monday's post.

That same supercilious Ms. V from above also asks: "You DO know that Akron is the birthplace of Alcoholics Anonymous, right?"

Answer: Do you think I fell off the wagon yesterday?

Vava says: "Akron also gave us Chrissy Hynde of The Pretenders, so it can't be all bad!"

Answer: Chrissy Hynde can take her fancy restaurant and dive off the All-American Bridge for all I care.

[Drunkard's note: I take offense to her characterization of people in Akron and Northeast Ohio. Oh, wait, you were saying something in support of Akron ...]

Big asks: "I don't understand, does the blue line go through the 15 (or so) bars, or just past them? That would seem to make a big difference."

Answer: It depends on the runner.

Adam asks: "But why is the blue line needed? Is Akron the Bermuda triangle of marathons? Do countless runners inexplicably go missing without the line's guidance? And why hasn't someone repainted the line to guide everyone off the course?"

Answer: Apparently, marathoners are directionally challenged. Even the Olympics had a blue line.

(Source: Associated Press photo via Miami Herald.)

Ted asks: "Akron??? The birthplace of rubber tires - Goodyear! Does the road feel rubbery?"

Answer: As a matter of fact, yes, some of the roads are rubbery.

Flashback Friday: Midpoint of Sorts

Some day prior to the week of July 14, I created and printed out my official marathon training plan, an 11-week program plucked from the drink-addled recesses of my pickled little brain. Three days a week of running (sometimes an extra easy day for kicks), with an idea to do some cross training somewhere in there.

Last night, I completed my 17th run on my schedule, and I have 17 more before the Akron Marathon, with a half marathon in there for good measure. That, according to my expert calculations, means I'm halfway done with my training. So far, so good.


Next week will be my peak week. However, I'm done with 20-milers, as the next one I would have done would interfere with the Buckeye Half Marathon, my nemesis and where I plan to crack the 1 hour, 50 minutes barrier. I have one more set of 10 Yasso 800s. And then we'll be in taper mode. It's all happening so fast!

Back Talk
You leave a comment, I wait a couple days while I think of the perfect response.

Apparently, Legs Up leads Xenia to put her mind in the gutter: "I keep forgetting to try the legs up thing. God, that sounds wrong ..."

Answer: I'm glad I continue to inspire you. Yes, Legs Up is exhilarating, but don't stand up too fast or you'll topple over like a souse off a barstool. (Oh, and welcome back.)

Always the classy broad, the erratic epicurean sympathizes with my bowel issues on that fatal fateful 20-miler: "you can take bathroom breaks during a 20 mile run? hmmmm. i guess that is better than shitting yourself."

Answer: True, nobody likes a shitty run.

Trying out her detective skills, Virginia Dressler, another real-life friend of mine, attempts to track down my new track friend: "Was it this guy?"
Answer: If you actually paid attention to my description of my track friend, Ms. Dressler, you would know the answer to your innocuous question. This does not look like a "weirdo, red-headed step-child." It looks like a rhinoceros. Inspector Clouseau, you are not.

Happy Hour shall soon deliver us from our workaday stresses. Have a good weekend, my gentle readers. Run well and drink well.

Flashback Friday: Mano y Mano

Hear ye! Hear ye! Ladies and gentelmen, boys and girls, can I have your attention please? A challenge has been issued to your mild-mannered boozehound, a challenge of speed, of grit, and of wit. He who bests the the other's personal best shall earn shit-talking rights for all of eternity however long it takes for one of us to set a new PR, thus negating this challenge.

In the far corner, wearing the white trunks and sporting a half-fast stride: Vanilla.

In the near corner, wearing the blue trunks with red trim and wielding a bifurcated tongue: the Viper.

Vanilla has announced that his sole goal for his upcoming half marathon is to beat my PR of 1:54:49 by a mighty second so that he can, by some twisted form of mathematical wizardry, be two up on me by having two PRs faster than mine in what he describes as the four major distances: the 5K, 10K, half marathon and marathon.

It's all very convoluted, and I really don't have time to explain it to you right now. But currently, and confoundedly, he is one up on me by having one PR faster than mine, the 10K. I was never very good at math so I'm just going to have to trust that one to three is one better than me, whereas two to two is two better. Folks, Vanilla is not just Half-Fast, he's also half-smart.

However, the real drama of this challenge lies in the coincidence that I'll be re-attempting the 50-minute 10K on the same day he tries to beat my half marathon time. (So much for DNB-ing that race.) In the end, Vanilla could own both PRs. Or we could be even up. Or I could own all four PRs, restoring balance to the galaxy.

Intrigued? Well, stay tuned anyway!

Back Talk
Wherein I take your comments from the last week and throw them back in your face with exceptionally witty banter. But first, a prepared statement ...

You people are some Nitmos loving so-and-sos. I call the guy an idiot a couple times and you get all defensive. Oh, "he's on vacation." "That's a low-blow." "There's a better way." "He can't stand up for himself." Oh, the freakin' humanity. Give me a break, Nell Carter!

Ahem ... moving right along.

S shows off her mighty math skills and debunks my lagging mileage theory: "Only 68.1 miles? please ... based on 22 weeks left in the year ... that's like a measly 3.1 extra miles a week. :-P Easily done."

Answer: Oh, I see, you carried the one.

Regarding the same post, Xenia (who already got her link, darn it!) seems to think I'm a bit persistent: "You've well proven you're stubborn enough to crack 1,000, so it seems like the only thing that would hold you back would be crappy winter weather. You might have to do something seriously distasteful and *gasp* use a treadmill to reach your goal. Better you than me. :)"

Answer: The only time I have ever used a treadmill is while traveling. I was in Chicago in February and had already fallen -- drunkenly, mind you -- into a slush pile the night before and didn't want to chance another slip. But never again.

New commenter Betsy for some reason doesn't think my proclamations are all that memorable: "Sorry, I forgot everything you posted because I am too busy singing that song."

Answer: See what I did there? Proclamations, Proclaimers ... get it? Jeez, you people are daft.

Offering to lend me her kids the next time I'm at the track, Marcy was all like, "Gimme a call next time you're out there. I'll unload my demon seeds on the track for you. Hell, I'll even let you plow them over a couple times :P"

Answer: And I'd be all like, stomp, trip, tumble.

New commenter tfh marvels at my intellect and stretchy band skills: "I've sent a stretchy band snapping across the room a time or two but that story beats any of mine for the sheer genius with which you managed to do it."

Answer: Some day, with practice, you can be as awesome as I.

Well, teammates, have no fear. Happy Hour will soon be upon us. Run well and drink well, especially if you're running a 20-miler this weekend like me. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: The Fortress of Solitude

[Drunkard's note: Team BHI wholeheartedly supports boozing to overcome last night's booze-induced trauma, but be sure to avoid actual hair of a dog. If you're into these goofy pictures, go to I Has a Hot Dog for more.]

Still no review of The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner. I couldn't pull myself away from Superman: The Movie and its incredibly loud and inconceivably frequent commercial breaks, which allowed me ample time to clean my whole apartment and discover the $40 I hid from myself two weeks ago and had forgotten all about.

Back Talk
Oh, dear readers, how you amuse me with your clever, acerbic and mostly inane commentary. Now, for the world to see!

Nitmos suggested some important improvements to my new running hat: "The hat is missing the side beverage holder and straw for hydration. The first marathon fueled by Jameson? Could be you."

Answer: These modifications are forthcoming, but the tools I bought for the project say not to operate when under the influence of alcohol. Who knows when that'll happen. Meanwhile, I've been dropping weight to account for the added weight of liquor.

Roisen criticized my choice of post-run refueling: "I'm all about the chicken wings ... but Labatt? Where was Jamesons?"

Answer: Ma'am, don't you worry about it. The Jameson will get its reps. Besides, they don't sell ice-cold 22-ounce drafts of Jameson. But boy howdy if they did ...

Regarding my toddler encounter at the track, many of you said I should have plowed over, hurdled, punted or mowed down the toddler while developing a game of some sort.

Answer: What's wrong you people?

Apparently, I gave Xenia a complex with my offhand comment on her possible -- but clearly not verified -- loveliness. She says, "I'm perplexed. How does one verify their loveliness? Do I need to submit signed affidavits, report cards, a bribe?"

Answer: What's the pounds-to-dollars exchange rate these days?

[Drunkard's note: Team BHI does not accept personal checks, nor cheques.]

Sadly, I was too slow with providing solutions to rid your liquor cabinets of neglected bottles. Sarah admits her alcohol abuse: "My solution to my compulsive booze purchase of Absente was to pour it down the drain after five years in the back of the cupboard. I tried to get into it in a sort of 'I can be all cool and 'Continental' in a turn-of-the-century Bohemian Parisian' kind of way ... didn't work."

Answer: Let this be a lesson to you all. I've had real and fake absinthe. Both tasted terrible. One was worth it. So I guess I can't condemn your actions too much. Did your drain at least smell like licorice afterward?

Have a fine weekend, teammates. Happy Hour is nearly upon us! Run well and drink well.

Flashback Friday: Low-Down Yankee Liar

The lone runner cuts a splinter of a silhouette against the background of a dropping sun. His movements rhythmic and economical, as he bounces slowly toward the westward horizon, leaving a wake of puddled sweat.

A closer look at this figure reveals his rigid brow, eyes squinted and bloodshot from beads of perspiration falling into them. He has the look of a wayfaring stranger, his way rough and steep, face lightly unshaven and grizzled from the effort or the elements. In another life, he may have been a--

Suddenly, a young boy's voice cries out over the passing traffic, "Shaaaaaaaaane. Come back!"



But, as that is not the Viper's name, he kept bounding into the sunset.

The sun may have left me more soaked yesterday than Saturday's rainy fun.

Back Talk
It's your favorite segment! Here are some of your comments from the past week and my clever retorts. And we have some fresh meat to roast!

In response to my weekend boozefest, which included a day at the ballpark, new commenter SJ Goody says, "GO CLEVELAND!! (What I really mean is 'Go Sox' but seeing as this is your blog (which is great) and my first comment on your blog, I'll respect your disgust with Boston but I was at Fenway on Sunday when Cleveland yet again beat the Rays and the Sox beat the Orioles to move into first... and Cleveland was easily the second favorite team in the house!) Indeed, thank you. :)"

Answer: Great, another Boston fan, whoopdeefawkindoo! Welcome to the team. As for the rest of you readers, let this be a lesson to you. You should always note how great I am, as SJ Goody does a good job of here.

And while I'm on the subject, another newbie has done well in noting my greatness. Rundangerously, of ... erm ... rundangerously fame, may be a little behind the times commenting on last week's review of Bart Yasso's book, but he hits the nail right on the noggin when he says, "great review! for another running book, i have 'what i talk about when i talk about running,' by haruki murakami on my 'to read' list. it s/be released on 7/29."

Answer: Clearly, you've compared our Yasso posts and declared me the winner. Thank you for the complement and reading suggestion. On a side note, when I think about Haruki Murakami's book I think about Raymond Carver's book.

[Drunkard's note: Welcoming technique needs work.]

Responding to my kicking ass at the track, Xenia says, "I see you've upgraded from Cringer to Battle Cat. Well done."

Answer: I see when you're not ripping off my nipples, you're picking up on my He Man references.

Regarding the same post, Laminator shows how wise he is and says, "You're a natural on the track! I say make those youth trackers yield to your supremacy!"

Answer: Obviously, I don't have to tell you how I dominated some of those short-legged young runners.

Don't forget about the Chin-Up Challenge! With the weekend ahead, tonight could be a perfect opportunity to throw your hat in the ring.

Run well and drink well.

Flashback Friday: Really?

My training plan keeps getting tinkered. To keep my focus, I'm revisiting this year's goals (and retaliating for all the dude pictures at a certain dastardly blog). The ultimate purpose of my training plan is to get me ready for the Akron Marathon in September, but it also must prepare me for two other races because I missed my marks at the Cleveland and Kent races.

My goals reiterated:

• Break 50 minutes in a 10K
• Break 1 hour, 50 minutes in a half marathon
• Break 4 hours in a marathon

Conveniently, there is a 10K in August and a half marathon in September, two weeks before the marathon. Considering my current PRs, I really need to concentrate on speed.

The debunked McMillan Running Calculator shows that if I base my training paces on the half marathon goal I'll be on track for a 49:26 10K and a 3:51:59 marathon. In the ideal world where these times are all correct, I would shave 3:44 from my 10K, 4:50 from my half marathon, and 34:49 from my marathon.

Am I being realistic?

Probably not, I'm prone to gross miscalculation. I'm a round-number goal-setter. I picked these goals arbitrarily and by the power of Grayskull I'm going to nail these times!

I'm talking to you slow interval times!

Back Talk
Re-posted for public ridicule and self-satisfaction, here are some of your comments from the past week and my clever retorts.

In response to Monday's 10K race report and aftermath of kegs and eggs, Chia says, "Labatts with an omelet? You just have 'Chia's future ex-husband' written all over yourself LOL."

Answer: This could be the beginning of a beautiful breakup.

[Drunkard's note to self: Check for writing on body, possibly the result of a careless night of boozing. Beware of additional alimony debits from bank account.]

In support of Tuesday's Puke Threshold training tip, Nitmos adds, "I love that brief surreal moment in time when you've crossed the Puke Threshold and feel it coming up and there is nothing further that can be done. It's liberating....until the violent heaving ensues. Until then you have a small window to contemplate taste, texture, and bystander reaction in the Puke Interim."

Answer: Thank you for adding to the collective lexicon of running terms. Also, I fixed your misspelling of "can" in your comment. You're welcome.

And on a complete tangent from Thursday's book review, Marcy says, "And while we're talking about Rodale, could they PLEASE STOP CALLING MY HOUSE! YES I subscribe to RW but NO I don't want you're damn books already! If I did I'd go to the BS to buy them! Thanks I needed to get that off my chest LOL."

Answer: Maybe you should lay off the push-ups and have a stiff drink. Alcohol has natural calming agents.

Also, I was glad that new commenter S, of I Think I'll Remember My Own LIFE fame, and already-linked-to Xenia commented on All the Way Home by David Giffels, a memoir of his purchase and renovation of a Gilded Age house in Akron, which I mentioned is on my to-read list. I wasn't planning a review of this book here because it has nothing to do with running or drinking (I assume). However, maybe I'll make an exception. After all, the house is along the marathon route (and less than a quarter-mile from my apartment).

Have a fine weekend, teammates. Run well and drink well.

Public Service Announcement

ATTENTION: Davey Tree/United Way of Portage County 5K, 10K and 1 mile participants!

I have noticed that many of you have stumbled upon the Booze Hounds Running Team by searching for race results from the July 5, 2008, race in Kent, Ohio. I feel your pain. But let me help you out.

The Davey Tree/United Way race results are online in PDF form at the HMA Promotions website. Click on "Race Results" across the top and scroll down. For some reason the race organizers like to make finding this information difficult for you. Unless you stuck around for the awards or receive the Record Courier to see your time in print, you won't have much luck finding your official time.

Last year, I had to e-mail the United Way to find out my time. Luckily, for you I didn't drink this information off my mind. So, you're welcome.

But don't think you have to rush off. Stick around, have a beer, revel in how much faster you are than me, leave me a comment thanking me for how awesome I am. Whatever your pleasure. Thanks for stopping by.

Run well and drink well.

[Drunkard' note: This has been a public service announcement of Booze Hounds Inc. Don't expect us to be this helpful in the future.]

The Puke Threshold

Dr. Viper has diagnosed the problem from Saturday's 10K. It wasn't that I started too fast. Or that I pushed too hard in the end. Or that I was hexed. Or that I didn't drink enough. The problem was I barfed. Plain and simple.

Had I not upchucked, I would have surely smashed my previous 10K. Hitherto Saturday's race I have always been able to choke back any regurgitation or wait until I crossed the finish. When I stumbled to a walk at the intersection and retched in front of the the cop and race staffer, I wondered why this was happening.

After a few brainstorming Sessions last night, I finally have the answer.

This fruitful post first sprouted in May after I helped inspire Marcy to cover all the bases and write about the one bodily fluid she hadn't covered: vomit. It was in the comments of that post that I revealed for the first time ... the Puke Threshold.

We runners know about lactate threshold. And we drinkers know about puking. For both activities, there is a point at which you can no longer hold it back, and that is the Puke Threshold.

This is not a static line. Akin to all things running and drinking related, the Puke Threshold can be improved upon. Drinkers can improve their tolerance by drinking more. And likewise, runners can improve their tolerance by running more. But more specifically, by running harder and faster.

If you don't practice the ability to keep it in, you won't be able to do it come race day. And that's where I failed. Typically, during intervals and tempo workouts, I will approach my Puke Threshold, either during a repeat or as I practice my finishing kick at the end of a mid-distance run. However, except for the last-minute 800s last week, I had not done any high-intensity runs for weeks. This is no way to maintain anti-honking skills.

To improve your Puke Threshold, you must push yourself. Feel that tightening in your guts. Relish the oh lordy moment. Enjoy your ability to not disgorge on bystanders. Practice is the only way to recruit those fast-clench fibers you'll need on race day.

If running harder and faster improves your Puke Threshold, then I'm sure drinking harder and faster will do the same.

But remember, if by chance you have to spew, please do so in the proper receptacle.



Run well and drink well.