Thursday, September 25, 2008

If You're Going to AK-Run

Marathoners pass the Polymer Science building at the University of Akron

I know for a fact one of you is running the Akron Marathon (make that two), but I'm sure there are legions of silent readers who look up to me with slack-jawed awe in anticipation of my encouragement and advice regarding their pursuits in the Rubber City this weekend.

Fear not, my drunk, little minions, the Viper cometh.

As Ms. Addiction says, we Akron racers have one more sleep and one sleepless night before the marathon. I assume you've already prepared for the distance and the hills. Now let's get your mind right.

The Viper's Keys to Success
There are two points along the marathon route that will kill you: the turn onto Howard Street and the second half of the race.

Howard Street goes straight downhill into the Cuyahoga River valley. Just plan on shredding your quads on the descent. This part of the race scares the shit from my bowels. Good luck. Don't die.

The second half of the Akron Marathon is all uphill, as you slowly climb out of that valley. If anyone tells you, "It's all downhill from here," consider this a false statement. And when you get to the Bastard Garman Hill, you might pee your shorts. But don't worry--your shorts will be so wet from sweat that no one will notice. After that, though, it's all downhill.

Your booze taper should have started at 7 a.m. today to allow the toxins to vacate your bloodstream and to properly hydrate. If you haven't already done so, return the office flask to the bottom drawer until Monday.

The good news is that the Akron Marathon is well-supported. There are plenty of bathrooms and aid stations throughout the course. You should have plenty to drink and plenty of GU. There is only one stretch (through the parks) that isn't lined with spectators cheering you on.

Entering Canal Park at the finish is amazing. Revel in the moment. I promise you that nothing will hurt when you see that crowd cheering for you. Let their voices carry you through the finishline.

The post-race "beer" is Michelob Ultra. Get one for the toddler in your life and head to one of the nearby bars for a proper selection. Lockview, 69 Taps, The Northside, Ido Bar, Matinee, Annabell's, Ray's Pub, Frank's Place and Rockne's are all Team BHI-approved rehydration stations. The first two are within ambling distance of the finish and the others are all along the marathon course. Also nearby is the Winking Lizard (two locations, actually).

Sights of Akron
Here are some things to look at as you tour my fair city:

Where to See the Viper
OK, for those of you who hope to run into me after the race, good luck. I am elusive. And Martini and I have to get to a post-race bash. We have lots of drinking to do before we reach Blackout Island. However, I will hang out at Canal Park for a while after I finish. Timeframe: 10:45 a.m. (pfft!) to 11:30 a.m.

How will you know me? Haven't you seen my picture? I will be wearing a bright yellow New Balance tech shirt, black Champion shorts, red and gray New Balance shoes. And, I may or may not have "Viper" on my race bib.

Disclaimer: I'm just as friendly in person as I am online and I don't like meeting strange people. I can only promise to try and be nice.

See you soon! Cheers!


Jess said...

Good luck!

Ian said...

No link to the Viper's Apartment?

Best of luck this weekend.

Spike said...

Enjoy the race and good luck!

Marcy said...

ROFLMAO! I was going to ask the same thing as Vanilla. Where the hell is the link to your apt?!! HAHA!

GOOD LUCK, rock out, and make sure you punch at least one person (or trip them :P) on your way to the finish

Vava said...

Is it normal to know this much about Akron??? Good luck on the race!

Unknown said...

Good luck. Hope you can keep complete control of the bowls.

C said...

Last night I had dinner with a prof who teaches at U of Akron. Since you are the only person I 'know' from Akron, take it as a sign that you're going to kick the marathon's ass.

Good luck, o social one.

S said...

good luck running this weekend and enjoy the post run drinking binge! :-)

tfh said...

Have a great run! I'm sure you'll have plenty of fans flocking to get your autograph after the race. Try not to make them cry.

Laura said...

Thanks for the helpful guide to Akron! I am unfortunately stuck in LGA with many delayed flights, so who knows when I'll actually get there. But I WILL get there, and WILL run through the rain and the floods! Will look for you at the finish... I'm going to be wearing a peach running skirt and a bright yellow Marathon Maniacs singlet.

chia said...

Hoping 10:45 isn't so "psssht-able" ;-)!

Go fast, drink proper, best wihes!

Nitmos said...

Go get that PR!

And I thought Viper's lived in a "lair" or "pit". Apartment? Not very Viper-like.

Thanks for the tour of Akron. Since I will never visit, its the only tour I'll probably ever get.

Good Luck.

AddictedToEndorphins said...

Go Get 'em! You're gonna kill it! And, by the way, it's Miss Addicted:P

Have funnnnnn:)

Aileen said...

I think I might have to run this one next year.

Things that I love about this post include:
1. ROCKNE'S!!! Their fries are amazing
2. Winking Lizard. Was definitely hammered there a few nights during my tenure at KSU.
3. Stan Hywet! I may or may not have been in a show there.

Good luck!

Sun Runner said...

Good luck, and remember it's supposed to be fun. Above all, we do this shit because it's fun and we love it*. Wrestle that 4-hour barrier to the ground and OWN that bastard. You vill KRUSH your PR.

I'd raise a glass in your honor tonight (since I KNOW you're going to be laying off the booze**) but I don't think I'll be having any of my own since last night's porch-sitting turned out to be a little more fun*** than I had anticipated. I'm only now starting to feel human again. I think that coming to and remaining at work today was as difficult as my 20-miler run tomorrow morning will be.

***Maker's Mark. Draw your own conclusions.

Ms. V. said...

slack-jawed awe ...

Yes, Viper. Yes.

Get your PR!

Marci said...

Good luck on your marathon. This race sounds good. Maybe next year. I look forward to the race report!

Unknown said...

Today is the big day Viper. I wish you GOOD LUCK. Kick ASS and make sure you are properly hydrated after the race.

Jess said...

Hope it went well and the hangover today isn't too bad.

Marcy said...

You're going to keep us waiting? Tease!

chia said...

***Praying all is well in Viper-land***

C said...

I agree with both Marcy and Chia.

Seriously, you're killing us here.

gin hall said...

Good job, Vipes. You looked in less pain this year than the last.