Thursday, July 17, 2008

Keep Your Chin Up

It seems there's this little push-up contest going around, spreading throughout blogdumb like we all hoped Bird Flu would. Well, count me out. I won't be the latest victim. And I won't be satisfied with second loser. I've got my own challenges. Which is why, today, I announce the Team Booze Hounds Chin-Up Challenge.

Yes, you all remember those dreadful gym classes when your arms shook like paint-mixers as you struggled to pull your pre-pubescent face nearer to that bar, your hands slipping on the yellowed friction tape worn smooth by decades of sweat. You felt triumphant when you finally got your little, pointy chin above the bar, and then your sadistic gym teacher said, "One more." And next you had to climb the rope. Why wouldn't the idea of a chin-up contest appeal to you? Of course you're interested.

First things first. You will need a bar. A good sturdy bar, preferably nearby. I wouldn't want you to have to travel far after you've exhausted yourself by competing in the Chin-Up Challenge. The goal, of course, is to keep that chin above the bar by any means necessary!

To qualify as a chin-up, your chin must be able to rest on top of the bar. No halfsies! This challenge will measure the aggregate time your chin spends above the bar. So it doesn't matter if you do 192 chin-ups or one long, sustained chin-up.

There will be awards for the following categories:
  • Most Chin-ups: This person is a fighter. No matter how many times your head falls below the bar, you keep coming back up for more.
  • Longest Chin-up: This person is an endurance god. You scoff at those who keep pulling themselves back up to the bar. You don't need a break!
  • Last Chin-up: We must always award the last person standing. You're there until last call, asking who's hosting after-hours.
Why Chin-ups?
I'm not sure why this push-up thing has caught on. Chin-ups are far superior. You look way tougher doing it.

The chin-up is the distinguished man's exercise. And women boost their Hot Quotient ten-score with each chin-up. It's true! I become increasingly attracted to any gal who can out-chin-up me or at least put up a good fight. Some may think that is because my mind has gone batty after having my chin above the bar for far too long, but I disagree. I like a girl with staying power.

The Chin-Up Challenge will instantly measure your strength and endurance, while increasing your attractability. But of course, like any contest, there are rules. Once you have found your bar, you must stick with it. You can't just go switching bars in the middle. Second, you must hydrate. You can't just go to a bar and not drink anything. That goes against all principles of decency. And third, please remember to tip your bartender.

Good luck, contestants! Let the Booze Hounds Chin-Up Challenge commence!


Ian said...

Today is a slow day at work, perhaps I'll go start my chin-up challenge over my lunch hours. Company policy be damned.

S said...

My chin-up challenge started earlier this week. And...I have every intention to continue my training all summer.

Nitmos said...

Any bonus points for winning trivia contests, eating huge amounts of pretzels or burping the alphabet during the Challenge?

chia said...

I never thought to wear pull ups to the bar. Great idea Viper!

chia said...

You've saved me from a life of hovering. Bless you :-*

C said...

All participants resident in the UK can disregard rule #3 (and still with good conscience). Yay for cheapskates!

Marcy said...

Shiz, I'd be first loser times 2 with this contest. Daaaaayyyuumm can this homegirl win anything?? LOL

Anonymous said...

wow it's really sad that it took me the whole post to realize what is really going on in this challenge. I feel as though I let akron down...

Teacher Pursuits said...

From what I gather, the flexed arm hang counts? I would be all over this...if I had a bar. :(