Monday evening featured a gathering of Booze Hounds at the newly dubbed Casa de la Rosado Víbora for the premiere of Three Sheets, Season 4. Before the night's revelry began, I had to prepare for the guests to arrive.
I ran to the grocer for some tasty beer to mark the occasion, a 750-ml bottle of Quatre-Centième Brassin Commémoratif by Unibroue, which I later paired with my dwindling stash of Yuengling Porter and an overindulgent helping of pretzels and hummus.
After my beer run, I still had time for my recovery run: three slow miles to compensate for last week's repetitive failures and long-winded successes, followed by five minutes of cross training. I was just about ready before I noticed a couple items in need of grooming.
Take off your skin: Running without socks has cultivated a ring a of callouses around each foot. The one on my right instep tried to jump ship, only to realize it was still tethered to my sole by a meaty tendril of dead skin. I did not want my guests to be alarmed at this sight so I dispatched myself to the bathroom and cut the callous loose with a pair of cuticle scissors.
Pain in the ass: My 18-miler ravaged my inner thighs just below my ass cheeks with savage chafing. The three recovery miles only re-aggravated the delicate skin. I didn't want my guests to wonder why I was walking around like an incontinent cowboy, so that's when [WARNING: Promotional hucksterism ahead.] I whipped out the Gold Bond Ultimate Healing Lotion. This is the best product I have found for chafing. Unlike some products that burn ferociously upon application, this product burns only slightly. The lotion immediately soothed the pain and allowed me to strut with my normal gait.
Don't neglect your grooming. Take a cold, hard look at yourself. Are you exhibiting some ghastly signs of running? While you have this opportunity, bandage those bloody nipples, correct that bowlegged walk, and trim any unsightly detritus from your extremities. A snort of whiskey or powdered rouge will help add a little color to your cheeks, that is, the cheeks on your face. And for crying out loud stand up straight, will you? Make an effort to look like a normal human being for once.
[Drunkard's note: I didn't get any free shit from Gold Bond directly, but I totally wouldn't mind if I did.]