Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Grooming Tips for the Discerning Runner

Monday evening featured a gathering of Booze Hounds at the newly dubbed Casa de la Rosado Víbora for the premiere of Three Sheets, Season 4. Before the night's revelry began, I had to prepare for the guests to arrive.

I ran to the grocer for some tasty beer to mark the occasion, a 750-ml bottle of Quatre-Centième Brassin Commémoratif by Unibroue, which I later paired with my dwindling stash of Yuengling Porter and an overindulgent helping of pretzels and hummus.

After my beer run, I still had time for my recovery run: three slow miles to compensate for last week's repetitive failures and long-winded successes, followed by five minutes of cross training. I was just about ready before I noticed a couple items in need of grooming.

Take off your skin: Running without socks has cultivated a ring a of callouses around each foot. The one on my right instep tried to jump ship, only to realize it was still tethered to my sole by a meaty tendril of dead skin. I did not want my guests to be alarmed at this sight so I dispatched myself to the bathroom and cut the callous loose with a pair of cuticle scissors.

Pain in the ass: My 18-miler ravaged my inner thighs just below my ass cheeks with savage chafing. The three recovery miles only re-aggravated the delicate skin. I didn't want my guests to wonder why I was walking around like an incontinent cowboy, so that's when [WARNING: Promotional hucksterism ahead.] I whipped out the Gold Bond Ultimate Healing Lotion. This is the best product I have found for chafing. Unlike some products that burn ferociously upon application, this product burns only slightly. The lotion immediately soothed the pain and allowed me to strut with my normal gait.

Don't neglect your grooming. Take a cold, hard look at yourself. Are you exhibiting some ghastly signs of running? While you have this opportunity, bandage those bloody nipples, correct that bowlegged walk, and trim any unsightly detritus from your extremities.
A snort of whiskey or powdered rouge will help add a little color to your cheeks, that is, the cheeks on your face. And for crying out loud stand up straight, will you? Make an effort to look like a normal human being for once.

[Drunkard's note: I didn't get any free shit from Gold Bond directly, but I totally wouldn't mind if I did.]

11 comments:

Funnyrunner said...

LOL. hmmm. maybe tmi in this one? Ah,yes. The ravaged appendages of runners. I used to lose toenails left and right (they all grew back) but I think they're used to it all now because they've been intact for the last couple of years, notwithstanding a plethora of long runs. I'll have to try the Gold Bond - I get chafing where the top of my jogging bra rubs my skin....

wtf, viper? why no socks?

X-Country2 said...

Boy grooming rules deserve much more than 3/4th of a blog post, but it's a great start.

Morgan said...

Please explain no socks! Why would you do this to yourself?

It's funny you should post this grooming post because I thought to myself last night while I sat in my bathroom performing toenail surgery and then subsequent polishing of skin to make it look like I still had toenails, if all runners "groom" themselves before they're seen in public. Guess you just answered my question. :) Great post!

Jess said...

I can't decide if this phrase: "ravaged my inner thighs just below my ass cheeks with savage chafing" is straight out of a romance novel or the script of a prison movie.

Spike said...

thanks for reminding everyone why runners are disgusting and amazing at the exact same time. you at least saved the dead callous right?!?

Vava said...

Man, I forgot that you run sockless. Nuts! And I wonder if I am just magically imune from the chafing that seems to run rampant in the runner community (pardon the pun). My longest run so far has been 15 miles, though I am going 16.5 this weekend. When should I prep for this chafing? Does it start right after 15 miles, 16 miles, or later? Not looking forward to it...

And get some socks!

Nitmos said...

A few snorts of whiskey should make you immune to the disgusted leers from others.

Ms. V. said...

I remember your toe picture, and was so hoping not to see your chaffed ass.

Blyfinn said...

I have the same stupid chafing from riding RAGBRAI this past week with a few days in the rain. I used the same thing to remedy it also!

BrianFlash said...

As age increases, vanity decreases. I'm going to be comfortable and damn what anyone else thinks!

the erratic epicurean said...

"meaty tendril of dead skin"

you have such a way with words viper. incredible...

i enjoyed the "three sheets" viewing party!