Flashback Friday: Assuming the Beginner Mentality

Happy New Year, readers, and welcome back from the holiday break. We're three days into 2014, and I still haven't run. I broke my long tradition of an annual New Year's Day run, but today I've been plotting my return to the scene.

It dawned on me yesterday that if I'm going to get back to running this year and return to the Akron Marathon, then I need to take a step back to make a leap forward from last year's sad state of running affairs. In short, I'm going to have to start from scratch and become a beginner again.

A couple months ago, when I thought I might actually run again in 2013, I was hashing out this grand training plan to get my fitness back and start building mileage early this Spring, all in the spirit of attacking an ambitious marathon goal.

But that was fucking stupid.

I haven't run in almost three months, and even then I was not in good shape. Instead of aiming for another sub-4:00:00 marathon, my goals should be: A.) get back out there, B.) stick to it, C.) finish the race, and then D.) keep running afterward. And so, there you have it. These are my goals for 2014. No numbers. No times. Just get the participation medal.

So, treat me like a beginner this year. I won't be talking about racking up some unattainable yearly mileage (1,000 miles) or crazy race goals (all the PRs, bitches!), but instead it's one step at a time for me. This week's objective: one run. It doesn't matter how far (3 miles) or how long it takes me (30 minutes). It only matters that I do it. Cheers!

Terrible Quarterback Rating

Throwing to a four-foot-nothing receiver resulted in pain and sorrow on Labor Day. My 12-year-old nephew wasn't pleased with my all-day quarterbacking and called me out several times during our brothers vs. brothers duel. Our best play was the flea-flicker, where I could use my size and longer stride to race to two consecutive touchdowns against my brother and other nephew.

But still, we lost because I couldn't connect on all by one of my throws, consistently launching the ball over the outstretched arms of my teammate.

Monday's game was the most exercise I'd gotten in the last week and a half. Mrs. Viper and I are on the home stretch of pregnancy, and things have been a bit frazzled. My running took the hit.

Until my last speedy run, my monthly mileage had been on the upswing, but instead August ended with a total that ties for fourth best (and worst) of the year. Here is last month's statistical rundown:

• Total Miles: 12 miles (4 runs)
• Total Time: 2.6 hours
• Highest Weekly: 6 miles
• Average Weekly: 3 miles
• Average Pace: 13:21/mile
• The Monthly Dif: -3 (15 miles in July)

BONUS STATS!

• Walking: 17.27 miles (10 walks)

My walking stats also were down this past month, as some bad weather and a busy work schedule ate into my lunchtime routine.

My shoulder and hamstrings feel the burn this morning, but not as bad as the burning shame of my 55.4 quarterback rating, which still beats any of the Cleveland Browns quarterbacks this year.

Flashback Friday: Holiday Break

Some of you fools have still been running. Yes, I've noticed your blog posts. Don't you worry about your accomplishments going unnoticed. I've cursed each and every one of you for your diligence and commitment to running, along with a handful of random strangers I've seen outside enjoying themselves.

It's not that I don't miss running, but it's not a very strong sense of longing. At least, not so much that I've considered donning my running apparel for a few miles. Instead, this has been a nice, little break in the action. And it very well might last until the end of the year.

There are a pair of running shoes on my Christmas wishlist, and getting those might tempt me to try them on for a run before the year is out, but don't get your hopes up. You won't hear it about until after the New Year regardless of what happens.

It seems like this should be some sort of year-in-review post, but what's to review? My first trail race, my first barefoot race and a heap of failures, missed goals and missed revised goals. Who wants to read that? I certainly don't want to write about it. Let's just skip to the end.

This is the holiday season. Spend it with family and friends. Be thankful for what you have. No matter which holiday you celebrate, remember we're all in this together. Have a safe and happy New Year. We'll see you in 2013.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Break in the Action

Monday was the first anniversary of my marriage to Mrs. Viper. We took off work Monday and Tuesday to celebrate in Cleveland, with a nice dinner at the wonderful Chinato and a stay at the Renaissance Hotel at Tower City, where we spent the night a year ago.

While this personal holiday resulted in a break in the action for my dear readers, don't worry -- you didn't miss any running. The wife and I delayed our weekend runs, but plan to get back to business this week. We'd better, as Race Day is only 16 days away. This morning, I received final instructions from the Akron Marathon organizers.

This is real.

In the meantime, I've been continuing my quest for the one-armed push-up. Instead of trying my best to complete this difficult task, I've been working on improving my form with two arms and building up to using just one arm. Some day I'll get there.

Merrymaking

Christmastime is here and gone. The holiday proved to be full of hustle and bustle, as Mrs. Viper and I burned copious amounts of fossil fuel to visit family.

While my time was weighted much more toward filling my cup with cheer since my last post, I did manage to get out for a run Monday evening.

My goal of avoiding any Holiday Heft this year must be accomplished during "the week between" if it's going to happen at all. My calves felt a nice ache yesterday, but I'm hoping to get out for another few miles after my only day at work this week.

That is, if my lovely wife doesn't force me to put up the other light fixture we got with our Lowe's and Home Depot gift cards. I'm happy to report we installed our kitchen light without any serious injuries to body or pride. Now, about the dining room ...

A quick recap of our holiday beverages:

• Great Lakes Christmas Ale (Cleveland)
• Thirsty Dog 12 Dogs of Christmas (Akron)
• Elevator Brewing Christmas Ale (Columbus)
• Corsendonk Christmas Ale (Belgium)
• Anchor Christmas Ale (San Francisco)
• Shiner Holiday Cheer (Texas)
• Debonne Winery Holiday Rogue Rouge (Madison, Ohio)
• Bear Pond Winery Holiday Bear (Cooperstown, N.Y.)

I think that's everything. Sometimes the memory gets a bit fuzzy recalling all our merrymaking. I hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Solstice or whatever else you might celebrate this time of year. This will likely be the last post of 2011. I hope you have a happy and safe New Year. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: My Nightmare

When the Viper was just a little viper, Mama Viper used to bake cookies for the Winter Celebration Season. She'd make all kinds: sugar cookies, chocolate crinkles, angel thumbprints, and others of which I don't remember the names. She would pick one Saturday and bake them all, listening to Christmas music as she did so.

My mother loves Christmas and has perhaps the largest collection of holiday music known to man, from LPs  and cassettes to CDs, and eight-tracks too when those were around. When I was young, the family stereo had one of those cassette players with auto-reverse, which allowed an album to play continuously.

While my mother baked all those cookies, she tended to get stuck on one album and let it play and play and play on endless repeat. The album that seemed to get her cookie-baking groove on was Barbara Streisand's "A Christmas Album." And this is the song that put me over the edge ...



I have a distinct memory of waking up to this cocaine-induced, frantic, breathless spewing of "Jingle Bells," a wicked distortion of the classic holiday favorite. With the volume cranked to the right, the speakers would be blaring near their threshold, buzzing and thudding as if in pain.

Year after year this would happen. All my siblings and I now display a visible tick at the mere mention of Streisand, let alone this album. But this song, oh how I loathe it. And now, I share it with you.

Jolly Holidays, booze hounds! We'll catch you on the flip side, at least some time before the New Year dawns.

An extended Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates! Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Beware of the eggnog, for this batch may have too much brandy in it. Cheers!

Long Weekend Ahead

Ah, Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday, filled with food, beverages, family visits, football and naps. While it is a busy day in terms of driving about to Mrs. Viper's and my familial units, it is a day I always look forward to each year.

This year's holiday is especially noteworthy, as it is our first as a married couple and our last before moving into the house. There is still tons of packing left to do, but a hearty meal tomorrow ought to fuel the work ahead.

With any luck, Black Friday will result in two very important purchases for our new home: a washer and dryer set and a new TV. While I will unlikely subject myself to the insane crowds, because I'd seriously probably kill someone, but my lovely wife will be on the prowl for the deals. I'll wait until Saturday or Sunday to venture in to the belly of the beast.

Sadly, I will yet again fail to run a Turkey Trot this year. Last month, I had high intentions of signing up for a race, but procrastination won out. My only Thanksgiving Day race remains a childhood one-mile race where I was narrowly chicked for third place overall.

However, I still plan to run early tomorrow, before the festivities begin. And then again Friday. And if I can take a break from packing Saturday and Sunday. High hopes or failure in waiting?

Happy Thanksgiving, teammates! You'll likely not hear from me again until Monday. Have a finely brewed holiday weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Long Weekend = Short Week = No Posts

Well, I made it this far without any posts this week, and chances are there won't be another until next week. We got some crap weather for the beginning of the week, which prevented me from wanting to run. But things are looking better today and for the weekend.

Tomorrow is a day off for my office, which means I likely won't be around a computer much to post a Flashback Friday. Whether you're celebrating Easter or Passover or not, have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Merry, Merry!

When I was a kid, I liked the Chipmunks Christmas album. Now that I'm an adult, I feel this version is more appropriate. Enjoy!

Happy Holidays, whether you're celebrating Christmas, Kwanzaa, Las Posadas, New Year, Hogmanay, the Epiphany, or Eid-al-Adha. Forgive me for missing Hanukkah, Bodhi Day, Winter Solstice, and any others that weren't on this list.

Happy Hour in nearly upon us, teammates. This one may last a bit longer than the others, as I may not return as soon as I normally do. Have a finely brewed holiday weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

At Long Last

Sorry to have abandoned you in the middle of last week without notice. I suspect you all survived just fine without me and Flashback Friday. 'Tis the season ... for vacation days.

Now seems like as good of a time as any to announce the possibility of more of less of my postings for the rest of the year. With a short week this week and taking off work during The Week Between, I may not find time to jump online and write you a wonderful piece of prose. Deal with it.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled post ...

Well, I actually ran on Saturday, finally testing those damned delayed socks. They fit, did the job, and didn't wear through the big toes like the pair of the Enthusiast's that I "ruined" last run, which was a mere nine days prior, by the by.

As I'm sure we all do during this time of year, I stepped on the scale this weekend and gasped at the larger-than-expected number. To make up for my general sloth over the past few months, I suited up for a run, but first decided to pick up some weights.

I did a couple sets of curls before heading out for a cold three-miler and then another set after I got back. My biceps felt like gelatinous goo the rest of the day and started to tighten up on Sunday. Today, I can barely straighten my arms.

Winter came early, smacking us with heavy snow and sub-30 F temperatures. Early night and impolite weather have besieged my motivation. But it's time to fight back against the increasing jiggles of an expanding waistline. Onward! ... or something like that.

Flashback Friday: Day's Off Are Good

Well, the Boss Man has deemed it fit to give us today off, regardless of religious persuasion. Therefore, I wrote this yesterday.

Never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but having to write two posts in one day is worse than finding gingivitis in that equestrian gob. But my readers have no lives, so I must provide them with adequate content to enlighten their days. Missing a regularly scheduled post would almost be as sinful as a Catholic eating a horse hamburger before Communion.

So, as of this writing, I was planning on going for a short trail run in my hippie shoes last night. Let's say that went off without a hitch. Also, imagine that I took a really cute picture of Dobson and posted it here, because that always seems to get a good response from the audience. And now onto this week's ...

Back Talk
Wherein I'm not really trying, but just doing enough to keep up appearances.

Many of you raised similar concerns as Dr. Nic in regard to my recent stint as babysitter: "I think we need clarification ... you only mention the child went to bed early. There is no further mention of said child. Please tell me the child is okay, and back in the custody of a TRUSTWORTHY individual."

Answer: Hell if I know. Once the kid was asleep, I was off duty. As far as I know, I'm not being sued for child endangerment or contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Jess gets caught not reading my entire review of the Southern Tier Imperial Cherry Saison: "I don't like 'fruity' beers, but if it's light enough, I'll tolerate for one brew."

Answer: I said this beer has a "sweet cherry aroma, but only a light hint of the fruit comes through in the flavor." I wouldn't call that fruity at all. Many beers have hints of fruit without being "fruity." To me, a fruity beer is something like Sam Adams Cherry Wheat or a cherry lambic. Now, those are fruity.

Happy Hour is all day today, teammates. Have a finely brewed holiday weekend. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: In Memoriam

Sorry, no real post today. Instead, enjoy this delightful mash-up:

Requiem for a Day Off


Team BHI will return Tuesday. But fear not, teammates, Happy Hour is nearly upon us. Have a finely brewed weekend. Run well and drink well.

Go Elf Yourself

I have no mileage to report from the weekend, and I'm not sure I'll have any to report before my office releases me from the drudge of work life to celebrate the holiday season. So, let's just call it a week, OK?

To those celebrating the religious sort of holiday, may it be a reverent and joyous occasion. If you have instead erected a Festivus pole, may the airing of grievances be cathartic and let the feats of strength reveal the merits of your loved ones. And to the rest of you, good luck finding that one open pub where you may swallow your sorrows and expel the seasonal affectation disorder. And by expel, I mean projectile vomit.

Enjoy the break. Cheers!

Flashback Friday: Mailed in from the Depths of a Tryptophan Induced Food Coma

Warning, do not look at your scale today. The damage you did yesterday will takes days to fix. Move along. This calls for a liquid lunch. Here, Scotchy-Scotchy! Scotch, here ...

Back Talk
Wherein a short week calls for a short Q and A installment.

Morgan wonders if it's Pillsbury cookie dough that I feel like: "Does that mean if I poke your stomach you will giggle?"

Answer: If you poked my stomach, you'd get puked upon. And then punched.

Happy Hour lasts all day today, teammates. Enjoy your long weekends and long runs and long drinking shits. Run well and drink well. Cheers!

Turkey Huntin'

'He Double Gobbled'
Go on and get you a turkey!


[Drunkard's note: From the 1981 documentary Vernon, Florida by Errol Morris.]

Happy Turkey Trotting, teammates. Gobble, gobble!

Thirsty Thursday

Well, as it so happens I won't be working tomorrow, as it is some sort of religious holiday, so you can bet your soles that I won't be posting here either.

So, just like, you know, eff why eye.

In a fit of rationality, I decided not to run this week until Saturday or Sunday. I feel like I've had a thousand false starts since the year ticked over to 2008, so what's one more? Weather, tweaks and pains have conspired against me. I'll start over once again with determination of of finally getting some consistency and rhythm back into my running.

I'm planning to run a 5K at the of the month and I'd like to run the Cleveland half marathon again in May. For that to happen I need to stay healthy and get some training in. My miles so far have been detox easy mileage. It's time to focus!

Have a fine weekend all! Drink one for the Easter Bunny.