Game On! Really?

Mrs. Viper sends me a text yesterday, when my job had taken me to Wisconsin, and she informs me the relay is on.

Many months prior, we had floated the idea past her cousin who has watched me finish the Akron Marathon the last couple years.

The idea was that I'd run the marathon as usual and then Mrs. Viper, her cousin and three others would run the five-person relay. Then we kind of forgot about it.

It turns out, her cousin has been training hard and has his heart set on running in the relay. So, apparently, we have to quickly get in shape to run a leg of the marathon.

At the most, I'll have to get in shape to run eight miles. In about six weeks. So I guess I should run again, eh?

Of course our team consists of Mrs. Viper and me. As for the rest of the group, we'll go all Men In Black and only use their first initials: Mrs. Viper's cousin "K," her brother "E" and friend "R."

That's three males and two females. Some have been running, some haven't. The race is Sept. 29.

Time to get busy.

Four Weeks to Race

Since the Frostbite Prediction Run was canceled and won't be rescheduled, my race season opener will now be next month's Shamrock 15-K. I ran this race for the first time last year and really enjoyed the challenge. However, I now have about four weeks to get my doughy ass into racing shape by March 7.

As I look out my office window, all I see is the White Death and a speeding salt truck's futile attempts to tame this cold bitch who has tied my running shoes together with a Gordian knot. My mileage didn't reach double digits in the last two weeks combined. If I'm going to race in a month, then my running will need a severe ramp-up.

I have been in similar predicaments before when I suddenly realized I had only six weeks to train for the 2008 Cleveland Half Marathon. This time I don't need speedwork. I need hills, lots and lots of hills.

The Shamrock 15-K course descends into the Cuyahoga River valley and then back up with a steep, two-mile climb. There are very few flat areas. My leg strength is lacking.

Here's how we'll do it:

We're gonna run, run, run, run, run
Take a drag or two
Run, run, run, run, run
Gypsy death and you
Tell you what you do
(I'm sorry Lou.)

I may also try some actual cross training to deal with this weather. Perhaps a jump rope is in my future.

Flashback Friday: Keeping Promises

I know how much you readers love to root for my failure. So here is another chance. This month I embarked on a fool's errand to log more miles each consecutive month until the Akron Marathon.

To continue that trend, I must surpass 57 miles for April. Therefore, I need to run 26 miles in seven days. Complicating matters is a business trip Tuesday and Wednesday, which may prevent me from running on those days.

Will I do it? Place your bets now.

Back Talk
Wherein I unleash my irritable responses to your inane, insidious and insubordinate comments.

Responding to some criticism about his hypothesis about the limits to how fast a human can run a mile, gravityandlevity says: "Nonetheless, if any human runs a mile in under 3:39.6 during my lifetime, I'll eat my hat."

Answer: Pfft! Yeah, sure you will. I've heard that claim before.

Ms. V. proves that she has some weird fetishes for banjo players with blistered feet: "I simply have a little crush on you now Viper. First the blister, now the banjo."

Answer: Creepy! Anybody know the protocol for filing restraining orders against Internet stalkers? Next I'm going to find out you'll be in Akron for Founders Day. I'll be the guy with the beard and big sunglasses.

Spike doesn't care for my blister as much as Ms. V.: "That's it? That is your blister! Until it is the size of a nickle, don't complain."

Answer: Complain? I was showing off my sexy feet for my Internet stalkers with weird fetishes.

Happy Hour is nearly upon us, teammates. Have a debauched and depraved weekend. Good luck to all the racers out there, especially Mr. Not-the-Viper-banjo-man. Run well and drink well. Cheers.