Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Get Your Weak Shit Out of Here

It happened to me during each of my last two runs.

There was the douche bucket who could barely pass me on a downhill after he turned around for a three-miler while I was on my sixth mile of eight. And there was the man in the sleeveless windbreaker who took his time passing me during the Shamrock 15-K. Both runners' passing tactics pissed me off.

I will not abide your lame ass attempt at oneupsmanship.

My boss is a runner and ran track in high school and maybe some college. One day while I was groveling at his feet he told me, When you pass someone, you want to break his spirit.

Passing is not a game, it's a statement. Passing another runner says, I am better than you. And when you say that in a competition -- no matter how friendly -- you'd better be able to back it up. Otherwise you'll be choking on your concession speech when I return the favor.

I have three rules about passing:
  • Pass with speed and authority
  • Don't let up as soon as you are by; rub it in
  • Do not get passed by a person you passed
This does not include those runners you scamper past early in a race when everyone is settling into their pace. No, these rules are to be followed during dramatic late stages where the race truly emerges.

Passing requires strategy. You don't want to pass too early and risk encountering a finishing kick you can't beat. But by rote, you don't want to pass too late. You must pass your mark at just the right time. Consider this the Goldilocks Paradox.

My strategy is seek the puke threshold and emerge victorious. Or puked upon.

Finding the right moment to pass requires trial and error, intuition and fortitude. The right moment will vary from race to race, day to day. You must run within yourself and know what you're capable of during a given stage of a race. And you must have faith in yourself.

So dispatch your weak passing maneuvers and start passing with authority. Let those other runners know you're better than them. Break their spirit. And if you can add a fart while doing this, you will also break their composure. Just don't shit your pants.

23 comments:

Carolina John said...

i like it, i like it a lot. pass with authorita!

Vanilla said...

Well said! I want to go run tonight so that I can pass someone with authority.

S said...

I look forward to the day, I too, can pass someone with authority. (Um, actually...I'd probably settle for just PASSING someone first)

Blyfinn said...

I couldn't have said i better myself. I ALWAYS make sure pick up the pace a little when I pass someone in the last quarter of a race to make sure I put distance between me and them to make them believe they can keep up.

IRJessica said...

Bwahahaha. I hope no one thinks passing me will break my spirit! Thats ludicrous. But then, I'm not very competitive, so I don't think you are talking to me. Funny post though.

Xenia said...

You had me until the last two sentences. I think if you intentionally tried to fart at that particular moment, you'd be in danger of blowing out your colon. Granted that may give you a bit of a turbo boost, but it'd be a right mess to clean up afterward.

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

This post was VERY instructive in that I never knew there were vaginas out there that are so rank they need whole buckets of douche! I mean, a bagful just isn't enough for them? Just what are these women doing with their vaginas that requires so much douche?

Or are douche buckets just for those who buy their douche in bulk - the economy-minded douche shoppers? Seems to me that if there are enough of them, someone could make a real killing in the current economy if s/he invented, say, Douche In A Drum(tm) or opened a store specializing in bulk douche sales.

Could this latter possibly explain what has happened to Nitmos? Is he trying to get Nitmos's House of Douche off the ground?

Because if he's accepting investors, I want in.

Jess said...

I've got to hand it to the guy who passed me while he was running in cargo shorts...he passed me legitimately, none of this yo-yo style passing.

Spike said...

your boss is exactly right, when you pass, break their spirit. one last tip, never let them hear you coming. if you are tired and breathing hard and pounding your feet they can hear/feel your approach. hearing you wheezing only gives them hope and motivation to push harder. instead, as you are gaining, compose yourself and begin the humiliation.

Nitmos said...

Right on. As I come up behind another runner,I always evaluate whether or not I can keep the pace needed to pass with authority before engaging Pass Sequence. Usually, the answer is Yes. After all, I just came up from behind didn't I? But, on the rare occasion the answer is No, I merrily - and annoyingly - just run in their shadow. Might as well piss them off if I can't pass.

Roisin said...

Agreed. This happened to me last week. Some chick who was walk/running (no shame in that!) saw me turn around to head home and ran simply to pass me, and then started walking.

Obviously, this was not to be tolerated. Even as slow as I am, I smoked her ass. Definitely hit the puke threshold though. Hey, her run segments were fast.

tfh said...

I don't get this much (well, at all) from men, but when a woman passes me and acts at all apologetic, it's the worst. (Actually, it would be worse if I were a man, I think.) If you're REALLY sorry, just quit now, girlfriend, and if you're not, stop faking. It's so unattractive.

Vava said...

This is awesome adivce! No unnecessary sugarcoating, just the straight goods. I totally agree, and if ever faced with an opportunity to pass I will do so with authority, rub that sucker in till it hurts, and slam the door shut on any subsequent weak-ass passing attept by the vanquished foe!!!

Marcy said...

Hmmmmm I'm too much of a jackass to pass with authority. When I pass people I make them feel bad for themselves in the fact that they have to look over and realize "THAT" just passed them.

Mike said...

Even better than passing someone with authority is passing someone with authority - like a policeman, your governor, or Mussolini.

Jess said...

What's even better is that when you're a woman, and you pass a man with authority. It feels so awesome!

Bert said...

If there are hills around, do it with authority on the up slope. Killer.

Jogger said...

I would love to see someone pass me and then promptly shit their pants. That would be precious. Really really precious.

runwestchester said...

I dunno. I often say encouraging things when I pass people late in a race, like, "Almost there," "We can catch that guy." That's not to say I don't kick. As Churchill famously said, "When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."

Spartan7 said...

There is another way to break their spirits. When you are ahead of the potential passer and you feel their presence behind you ... waiting until the ideal time to start shifting into high gear. Just as they are starting to approach speeding up so that they can't counter. They get so close, but you still end up pawning them.
Now, is it right to hit the finish line, turn around and yell at them, "I own you!"?

The Laminator said...

My problem is not in the passing, but in the looking back afterwards....If someone does that, I don't care if they're running tempo and I'm just recovering...I'll step up, pass them, and look back as if to say "You only passed me because I let you..."

Yeah, so if you're going to pass with authority...go on ahead...just don't look back!

jeff said...

i always lean in close as i run past and say, "whoosh".

mr loser said...

Funny post. Like to read who/what was the worst passing "incident" you've experienced. A guy pushing a stroller zipped by me in final mile of a 5k once.