In the far corner, wearing the white trunks and sporting a half-fast stride: Vanilla.
In the near corner, wearing the blue trunks with red trim and wielding a bifurcated tongue: the Viper.
Vanilla has announced that his sole goal for his upcoming half marathon is to beat my PR of 1:54:49 by a mighty second so that he can, by some twisted form of mathematical wizardry, be two up on me by having two PRs faster than mine in what he describes as the four major distances: the 5K, 10K, half marathon and marathon.
It's all very convoluted, and I really don't have time to explain it to you right now. But currently, and confoundedly, he is one up on me by having one PR faster than mine, the 10K. I was never very good at math so I'm just going to have to trust that one to three is one better than me, whereas two to two is two better. Folks, Vanilla is not just Half-Fast, he's also half-smart.
However, the real drama of this challenge lies in the coincidence that I'll be re-attempting the 50-minute 10K on the same day he tries to beat my half marathon time. (So much for DNB-ing that race.) In the end, Vanilla could own both PRs. Or we could be even up. Or I could own all four PRs, restoring balance to the galaxy.
Intrigued? Well, stay tuned anyway!
Wherein I take your comments from the last week and throw them back in your face with exceptionally witty banter. But first, a prepared statement ...
You people are some Nitmos loving so-and-sos. I call the guy an idiot a couple times and you get all defensive. Oh, "he's on vacation." "That's a low-blow." "There's a better way." "He can't stand up for himself." Oh, the freakin' humanity. Give me a break, Nell Carter!
Ahem ... moving right along.
S shows off her mighty math skills and debunks my lagging mileage theory: "Only 68.1 miles? please ... based on 22 weeks left in the year ... that's like a measly 3.1 extra miles a week. :-P Easily done."
Answer: Oh, I see, you carried the one.
Regarding the same post, Xenia (who already got her link, darn it!) seems to think I'm a bit persistent: "You've well proven you're stubborn enough to crack 1,000, so it seems like the only thing that would hold you back would be crappy winter weather. You might have to do something seriously distasteful and *gasp* use a treadmill to reach your goal. Better you than me. :)"
Answer: The only time I have ever used a treadmill is while traveling. I was in Chicago in February and had already fallen -- drunkenly, mind you -- into a slush pile the night before and didn't want to chance another slip. But never again.
New commenter Betsy for some reason doesn't think my proclamations are all that memorable: "Sorry, I forgot everything you posted because I am too busy singing that song."
Answer: See what I did there? Proclamations, Proclaimers ... get it? Jeez, you people are daft.
Offering to lend me her kids the next time I'm at the track, Marcy was all like, "Gimme a call next time you're out there. I'll unload my demon seeds on the track for you. Hell, I'll even let you plow them over a couple times :P"
Answer: And I'd be all like, stomp, trip, tumble.
New commenter tfh marvels at my intellect and stretchy band skills: "I've sent a stretchy band snapping across the room a time or two but that story beats any of mine for the sheer genius with which you managed to do it."
Answer: Some day, with practice, you can be as awesome as I.
Well, teammates, have no fear. Happy Hour will soon be upon us. Run well and drink well, especially if you're running a 20-miler this weekend like me. Cheers!