Friday, August 1, 2008

Flashback Friday: Mano y Mano

Hear ye! Hear ye! Ladies and gentelmen, boys and girls, can I have your attention please? A challenge has been issued to your mild-mannered boozehound, a challenge of speed, of grit, and of wit. He who bests the the other's personal best shall earn shit-talking rights for all of eternity however long it takes for one of us to set a new PR, thus negating this challenge.

In the far corner, wearing the white trunks and sporting a half-fast stride: Vanilla.

In the near corner, wearing the blue trunks with red trim and wielding a bifurcated tongue: the Viper.

Vanilla has announced that his sole goal for his upcoming half marathon is to beat my PR of 1:54:49 by a mighty second so that he can, by some twisted form of mathematical wizardry, be two up on me by having two PRs faster than mine in what he describes as the four major distances: the 5K, 10K, half marathon and marathon.

It's all very convoluted, and I really don't have time to explain it to you right now. But currently, and confoundedly, he is one up on me by having one PR faster than mine, the 10K. I was never very good at math so I'm just going to have to trust that one to three is one better than me, whereas two to two is two better. Folks, Vanilla is not just Half-Fast, he's also half-smart.

However, the real drama of this challenge lies in the coincidence that I'll be re-attempting the 50-minute 10K on the same day he tries to beat my half marathon time. (So much for DNB-ing that race.) In the end, Vanilla could own both PRs. Or we could be even up. Or I could own all four PRs, restoring balance to the galaxy.

Intrigued? Well, stay tuned anyway!

Back Talk
Wherein I take your comments from the last week and throw them back in your face with exceptionally witty banter. But first, a prepared statement ...

You people are some Nitmos loving so-and-sos. I call the guy an idiot a couple times and you get all defensive. Oh, "he's on vacation." "That's a low-blow." "There's a better way." "He can't stand up for himself." Oh, the freakin' humanity. Give me a break, Nell Carter!

Ahem ... moving right along.

S shows off her mighty math skills and debunks my lagging mileage theory: "Only 68.1 miles? please ... based on 22 weeks left in the year ... that's like a measly 3.1 extra miles a week. :-P Easily done."

Answer: Oh, I see, you carried the one.

Regarding the same post, Xenia (who already got her link, darn it!) seems to think I'm a bit persistent: "You've well proven you're stubborn enough to crack 1,000, so it seems like the only thing that would hold you back would be crappy winter weather. You might have to do something seriously distasteful and *gasp* use a treadmill to reach your goal. Better you than me. :)"

Answer: The only time I have ever used a treadmill is while traveling. I was in Chicago in February and had already fallen -- drunkenly, mind you -- into a slush pile the night before and didn't want to chance another slip. But never again.

New commenter Betsy for some reason doesn't think my proclamations are all that memorable: "Sorry, I forgot everything you posted because I am too busy singing that song."

Answer: See what I did there? Proclamations, Proclaimers ... get it? Jeez, you people are daft.

Offering to lend me her kids the next time I'm at the track, Marcy was all like, "Gimme a call next time you're out there. I'll unload my demon seeds on the track for you. Hell, I'll even let you plow them over a couple times :P"

Answer: And I'd be all like, stomp, trip, tumble.

New commenter tfh marvels at my intellect and stretchy band skills: "I've sent a stretchy band snapping across the room a time or two but that story beats any of mine for the sheer genius with which you managed to do it."

Answer: Some day, with practice, you can be as awesome as I.

Well, teammates, have no fear. Happy Hour will soon be upon us. Run well and drink well, especially if you're running a 20-miler this weekend like me. Cheers!


Marcy said...

I do not want to see the verbal abuse that is going to be unleashed on the loser. Oh wait, yes I do :P

As far as your response? How would that be any different from a night out boozing? :P

Jess said...

I think Vanilla is always in need of some verbal's hoping the challenge works out that way! Haha.

S said...

My math skills are indeed least that's what I like to tell myself. Good luck with the 10K attempt...can't wait to see who comes out on top. And thanks for the link.

C said...

No one’s making you link to me, you know. If you weren’t so hell bent on getting in the last word, you wouldn’t have this problem. It’s obvious I win all the time anyway, so why do you persist in this fruitless endeavor?

Btw, how long after your first 1/2 did you run the marathon? I’m too lazy to look it up in your archives. Help a slacker out.

Ian said...

Half-smart? Obviously my superior intelligence is running circles around you and has caused you to be confused. Truly, I have a dizzying intellect.

Sun Runner said...

Don't party (or run) too hard. Tomorrow is National Mead Day and mead must be consumed. Cheers!

Regarding Nitmos: I gotta stick up for my homies in Michigan against the evil Buckeye onslaught.

tfh said...

I'll be waiting with baited breath to see who emerges triumphant from your epic battle...the Olympics has nothing on the two of you.

chia said...

Hey, many speedy wishes!

P.O.M. said...

How was your 20 this weekend? You might have been slightly fast than I, however you don't have to smuggle cantaloupes while you run.