Don't Tell Me What to Do

Tom over at the Runners' Lounge suggested everybody write about their sagely running advice. Since I'm too lazy to think of my own topic I like to share, that's exactly what I'll do. I've taken part in six races this year. In September, I ran my worst race, the Buckeye Half Marathon, which taught me some fine lessons. But I think everything I know about racing can be boiled down to these three maxims:

No. 1: Do the simple things. Don't find out the hard way that you should double knot your shoes. Just do it. It's dumb not to. Also, wear what's comfortable, lube or tape the sensitive spots, give yourself enough time to digest your pre-race meal, visit the restroom, blow your nose, pick it if you have to, brush your teeth, pin your number on, attach your chip timer, double check your double knotted shoes and so on. If you take care of all the simple things before you cross the starting line, you'll be able to focus on overcoming the real challenges of the race. Don't be dumb. Do the simple things.

No. 2: What are you worrying about? You did train, right? Well, then forget what you read in Runners' World on Thursday. Don't listen to what your sister's client said. Ignore what your dog said. Most bloggers are idiots. Disregard the latest study regarding running form, hydration, diet and yadda, yadda, yadda. You should have worried about that stuff during your training. It's too late now. Quit freaking out and run the race you prepared for.

No. 3: Drink good beer after you finish. Don't settle for that watery Michelob Ultra or Coors Light. Feed that to your kids and go for the good stuff. After a race you need something more nourishing. Something heavy. Something that will make you forget how hungry you are. You need to rehydrate and replace carbs. That's no job for your diet beer. Treat yourself right. Embrace your inner beer snob. Run well and drink well.

So, to summarize, don't be dumb, quit freaking out and drink well.

[Drunkard note: Race prizes resulting from following this advice shall be subject to a 75 percent consultant fee. It's only fair.]