Delinquent Drunk

Deadlines and dunks resulted in one drunk content provider last weekend. Also, Tuesday and last night. The Viper restored meaning to falling down drunk. After the Cleveland Cavaliers won the Eastern Conference finals last Saturday, he dropped four LeBomb Jameses, stumbled to a friend's house and crashed on a futon. That is to say, he fell into it, mashing his knee, pummeling his forearm and splitting his forehead. His last memory was of holding his head. He woke up to the sight of a blood stain on his pillow the size of a silver dollar pancake.

Tuesday, Viper met his deadline and was ready to let loose again. He hit happy hour with some co-workers for three tall drafts and went home to eat. Inside his apartment arose a ruckus. A squirrel sat on top of his record player. "Welcome home, sweetheart," he thinks. "What took you so long?" The visitor rushed to the window but can't find a seam to escape. Viper closed the window to trap squirrel. Squirrel is quick and the window it sticks. Squirrel escaped through an inch gap and into viper's room. Viper gave chase, but is baffled to find--or that is to say, not find--the squirrel. It apparently has taken the red pill and escaped through the rabbit hole. Viper escaped to the pub.

Last night, the Cavs lose the first game of the NBA finals to the tune of a 12-pack. And that brings us back up to speed.

Booze News:
Do not go into any retail shops in New York or Toronto with beer. Apparently, they will shanghai your brew and give you a bag in return. I thought they were supposed to put the beer in the bag. The New York Times reports that Crumpler bag shops in Manhatten and Toronto are planning a beer barter promotion whereby you give them top notch beer and they give you an uber trendy bag with a really pretentious name, like Status Belly or Moderate Embarassment. They seem to think this is a real good deal.

As Mr. Cousley put it, “Beer is the universal language.” Besides, he said, the price of the beer used to barter represents a 40 to 50 percent savings over the bags’ full retail price. “It’s a complex mathematical equation.”

Not so complex--it's a scam. Friends, the value of a cozy beer drunk is priceless. Don't give up your suds for a shitty messenger bag. I would think otherwise if they were accepting low grade brews, but apparently they are not, which I do have to respect. Nonetheless, it's a raw deal.

It appears, though, that the store will donate some of the beer. So if you are needy, you can hang about outside and beg.

Crumpler also gives cases to charity, sporting and art events, especially to student artists. “To pay for the booze for your opening night can be quite costly,” Mr. Roper said. “We’ll donate 20 cases or whatever it is. We spread the love.”

On that note, I have an art opening to organize.