Getting to the starting line will require a logistical ballet of timing, hydration, beverage moderation, refusing forced-upon-me alcoholic drinks, calculated eating choices, and a specified collection of supplies.
If one item is omitted, it could wreck the whole flunking thing. And so, I make a list.
The List (and a few notes about its items):
- Running shoes: Despite my increased barefooting, I don't feel confident enough to race a half marathon without shoes. My Brooks T6 Racers will be the likely choice, unless the Altra Adams arrive before I leave Saturday.
- Socks, probably, too: Funny thing about all my barefooting is that I've lost the callouses from previous years of sockless running.
- Technical fiber shirt: There will be sweat to wick.
- Technical fiber shorts: There also will be sweat here to wick.
- Timing device: So I know I horribly slow I'll be running.
- Race bib: I'll need to pick it up Saturday morning before the party.
- Safety pin(s): So as I can properly display said race bib on said technical fiber shirt.
- Water: I need to maintain hydration throughout Saturday's beer, et al, ingestion and perhaps may need to carry my handheld bottle during the race. (Note: bring handheld water bottle.)
- Electrolyte beverage: The bachelor party will likely sap my electrolyte stores. I'll need to replenish before beddy bye time.
- Chia fresca ingredients: For the morning of the race, as I drive down from Cleveland. Ingredients are chia seeds, lemon, sugar, and water.
- Will power: So as I don't acquire a soul crushing hangover on race day--just a mildly squeezing of the soul, please.
- The hotel's complimentary continental breakfast buffet: Please let it be open early enough for me to grab a bagel for the road.
- Plan B in case said complimentary continental breakfast isn't open when I have to leave: Maybe there's a Dunkin' Donuts on the way to the race.
- Alka-Seltzer: The old standby for hangover prevention. Consume one tablet with water before bedtime, a second the morning after.
- Medical tape: For the prevention of nipple devastation.
- Skin lubricant: Too much information? No, for the prevention of thighs chafing.
- Pre-/post-race clothing: Something to stay warm before the race and something to change into after the race in the case of going to breakfast with the Enthusiast, et al.
- Compression socks: My calves were killing me after Tuesday's brutal long run. I suspect them to feel worse after racing.
- Self awareness: Drinking alcohol dehydrates the body. Racing while dehydrated can be dangerous if proper precautions are not taken, or if said precaution prove ineffective. Know when to say when if saying when is needed.
- And don't forget to call the Enthusiast to ensure attendance of race so she doesn't get up way too early after her bachelorette party to come spectate my possibly hilariously bad performance: Man, she'll be so pissed if she shows up and I don't. So pissed.
What am I forgetting, dear readers? The race starts at 8 a.m. The weather forecast calls for a high of 72 degrees with 72 percent humidity, partly cloudy skies, and a heat index of "8 very high."