Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Viper Is Sure He's Dying

If I sound paranoid, blame Jess.

After yesterday's cryfest about not enough running and feeling sick, Jess commented, "With all that alcohol in your bloodstream, I'm surprised viruses have been able to live at all!"

I know, right?

That's what scares me.

Alcohol is a proven cleansing solution. It should be disinfecting my body. I've been following a strict consumption regimen, but to no avail. The beer is not working. But perhaps the beer is the problem. (GASP!!1! No, he didn't!)

I fear that perhaps I'm consuming the wrong kind of alcohol. Beer is not as pure of an alcohol source as, say, Johnnie Walker or Tullamore Dew is. Furthermore, beer has yeast. I'm sure the ladies out there know the dangers of yeast, and probably not a few males out there know as well.

Yeast infections are known to occur in warm and moist locations. You know, like maybe like my stomach lining? Or my sinuses? And get this: "Rarely, the yeast infection may spread throughout the body. In systemic candidal disease, up to 75 percent of people may die." Die! D-I-E.

So there you have it. I can't run today because I'm dying.

Tonight: whiskey.

21 comments:

Marcy said...

Dude when you say yeast infection I automatically think of lady issues. I'm just sayin . . .

Brooke said...

I concur. try whiskey. At the least, if you DO die, you'll already be embalmed..

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I'm flattered that one of your last gasps before dying was to leave an insulting comment on my blog calling either me or my knee a "p*ssy". So hurry up and die already so I can see what I can auction that comment off for on eP*ssy.

Sorry. I meant uP*ssy.

joyRuN said...

Candidiasis in your belly. Cuz you don't have a stomach lining left? Truly a scary thought. Yep - a whiskey holiday is in order. But to be safe, you could go ahead & imbibe in every beverage that has "proof" on the label to cover all your bases.

Your belly and your liver will thank you, I'm sure.

Jess said...

Ew the words yeast and infection together induce my gag reflex

Xenia said...

They misspelled the last word in that quote. It's not 'die', it's 'dai' which in Italian means 'come on' as in COME ON you little whinging p*ssy! Grow some balls, man up and get out there for a run. Sweat the bugger out.

Ted said...

Listen my friend... Ditch the whiskey. Jagermeister will do the wonder !!! It is also known as liquid tranquilizer . It will calm you down and it will combat the viruses in your body especially the yeast part.

Vanilla said...

If Viper dies I call dibs on his reflecto-vest.

S said...

I'd think Monistat or something like that would cure you of your yeast problem. But hopefully whiskey works just as well. And don't worry...I'm sure nobody will mock you if you miss your 1000 mile mark because of a yeast infection. :-)

Jess said...

I am figurartively turning my back on you: "Beer may be the problem"! Pssftt! Beer is a known cure-all!

X-Country2 said...

Go vodka or go home. Add cranberry juice and oj, and it's totally a half serving of fruit.

MCM Mama said...

So, drink your whiskey and quit your whining and get the d*mn miles done already.

I'll just sit over here and drink some good beers and make it to 1000 ahead of you.

Vava said...

Maybe you're just baking some bread in your belly, and that dough is soaking up all the alcohol that would otherwise disinfect you?

RazZDoodle said...

3rd person in your title? Really? Has it come to this?

RazZ is very disappointed.

Carolina John said...

isn't beer usually the correct choice? heal thyself with johnnie walker. best of luck feeling better. i'm also a huge proponent of pomegranate juice. even if you have to mix it with tequila.

Roisin said...

Well...obviously! Whiskey is always the answer.

Nitmos said...

Well, your alcoholism is already systemic so I wouldn't worry about a systemic yeast infection. You seem to be doing fine.

Ms. V. said...

If you die, will you reveal the face under that mask?

Sarah said...

The answer is yes

Shut up. Just because YOU haven't been converted to the Church of Garmin doesn't mean you gotta rain all over my parade.

Geauga County totally kicks Portage County's ass, you know. SUCK IT, PORTAGE!

And just because I'm not all bad, this is for you.

Sarah said...

Oh, P.S. Guess you won't be making your yearly pilgrimage to Chesterland for your, "holiday gathering" (*cough cough*) this year, eh?

Laura said...

I'm currently reading "The Ghost Map," by Steven Johnson, which is about the cholera outbreak in London in the 1830s. There is a whole chapter about how the most evolved humans are those with a tolerance for alcohol, because it kills so many germs that it helped people survive diseases. Don't be knocking it as a solution yet!