Thursday, November 27, 2008

What the Hell Are You Doing Here?

It's Thanksgiving, you twit. What are you doing on the Internet? You are either one of my foreign readers or you have a serious addiction to reading mindless blogs, for which you should consider visiting your family psychologist or your nearest bottle of hooch.

Well, since you're already here, you might as well drink in what I have pre-mixed for your eyes only, Viper's Thanksgiving Day Running and Beveraging Plan:
  1. A three- to six-mile run before your Thanksgiving meal will help build a proper appetite for the day. (If it is already too late for such a run, skip ahead.)
  2. Shower and groom yourself for crying out loud! Nobody wants to share company with a smelly, unkempt lout like you. (Though, you will still be a lout, just a less repulsive lout.)
  3. After your run, you will be hungry, but you don't want to overeat before you overeat. Have a piece of toast with a glass of porter or stout to stem the hunger pains. (If you are not a beer drinker, a morning cocktail or glass of wine will suffice.)
  4. Now, you don't want to get too tanked stuffed before you feast, so until then switch to a lighter beverage that will soothe your stomach but won't deaden your taste buds. A martini or white wine, perhaps.
  5. Now that you've properly whet your appetite, on to the Thanksgiving meal. Don't forget the toast. (Not to be confused with the toast mentioned in No. 1. However, a proper beverage is suggested for both.)
  6. After you eat, it is time to switch to a digestive agent. I suggest a horizontal position on the nearest couch, a football game on the television, and a glass of whiskey in your hand. (Suggestion: Finish your beverage before you close your eyes.)
  7. And in the seventh step, you rest, godlike.
Happy Thanksgiving. Now go burst a colon. Cheers!

[Drunkard's note: Image ripped from someecards.com.]

7 comments:

Jess said...

That sounds like an excellent plan! I'm on it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Vava said...

One of your foreign readers here... Isn't psychologist and hooch the same thing?

Sarah said...

Greetings from Chesterland!

#1-- check. Ran Aurora Turkey Trot this morning as planned. 4 miles, 29:40 (I think-- it wasn't chip-timed). 3rd in age group. Got a wee trophy, even.

#2-- check. Fresh n' clean, I am.

#3-- check. Brunch was served when I got home. Lots of bacon and coffee was consumed.

#4-#7 are forthcoming. It's after 1:00 pm and I haven't even had a beer yet. What the hell is wrong with me?

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

I rarely stray out of the boozeal areas I know, viz. beer and beer derivatives. Fortunately, there's always a beer that can stand in the stead of stronger spirits that I no longer imbibe, having had my share of bad experiences in my wastrel past: Waking up covered in what might be spare rib bones ... or are they the bloody bones of a working girl I picked up last night and cannibalized? O, no - not again!

I've found that, since I drink all drink as though it were beer (i.e., as if it consisted of no more than 4-6% ABV), I really should drink only beer. Pounding a whiskey or rum every 15 minutes takes a toll that a similar rate of beer consumption does not. And it keeps the working girls safe ... for now.

Something they're surely thankful for.

It's now 2 p.m. ... time for the first beer of the day.

Have a good Thanksgiving. Don't pick up any girls from the downtown area of Akron: They tend to be gristly and chewy.

Sarah said...

Update, 2:30 pm: One Stoudt's Pale Ale consumed. Now all is right with the world.

Ms. V. said...

...um.

turkey trot. done.

:)

just here feeling pucky...so i knew you would entertain...and YES I am one of *those* runners.

My nephew is drunk, my Dad has Gene Autry on, my kids are watching football, and I needed ten minutes.

Who do i see? Mr. Viper. Thanks, hope your colon survives.

X-Country2 said...

I can't do the drinking before noon, but I knocked out the run this morning and paced myself to staying stuffed all day.