Friday, October 24, 2008

Flashback Friday: Tainted Love Edition

There has been a lot of talk about "taint" this week. So, let me talk about it even more.

First, for clarity's sake, a little tainted etymology.

And as a display of my sweet lexicography skills, here is a tainted definition:

Taint (taynt) - n. 1. a trace of something bad, offensive or harmful; 2. a trace of infection, contamination or the like; 3. a trace of dishonor or discredit; 4. Slang (vulgar) -- the perineum, the area between the genitals and anus, male or female; although the term is said to originate from the saying, "It ain't pussy and t'aint ass" -- vt. 1. to modify by or as if by a trace of something offensive or deleterious; 2. to infect, contaminate, corrupt or spoil; 3. to sully or tarnish (a person's name, reputation, etc.) -- vi. to become tainted; spoil.

Of course, I know when you read the tainted title of this blog your inner ear immediately heard one thing: ERNT-ERNT!



And now to the tainted comments!

Back Talk
Wherein I taint your minds further with tainted rebuttals to your tainted comments.

Responding to my statement that "I didn't not taint one of the batches of [Ommegang] beer with anything too toxic," the erratic epicurean asks: "[S]o you DID add something toxic then? [O]r has being away affected your grammar?"

Soon to be running his first race ever, but tainted by the same question above, Vava asks: "What did you not 'not taint' it with?"

Hoping to lend some tainted clarity to the matter with a comment that may fall under the category TL;DR, the loquacious Glaven Q. Heisenberg suggests: "You need to say something along the lines of 'I didn't not untaint the not already not untainted by me taintless (or wasn't not it?) de-tainted taint-free-less untainted trippelbock by not undipping my untainted taint in it. Not.'

"Then, while the grammar cops are doing the math ('wait, wait! ... carry the "not," divided by the cubed root of "un-" multiplied by Pi ... IS THIS WHOLE FREAKIN POST IN BASE 8?!?! Start Over!!") you could have another post ready explaining that grammar's one thing and math is something entirely else.

"Not!

"Show of hands - whose mind is TOTALLY blown?

"Please confirm that you did NOT dip your taint in any beer."

And Chia? Well, her mind is in the gutter: "He said 'taint.'"

Answer: I'd say that pretty much sums it up.

Some of you posed some questions and offered your own advice on cold weather running.

Vanilla suggests: "If you wear a scarf or something to cover your mouth and chin then don't forget to move it before you spit. I know a guy who always forgets to do that."

Answer: That guy sounds like a Class A moron.

Mr. Heisenberg (again) poses a tainted question: "Does that really work with the shaving cream on the glasses? Hmmm ... stands to reason, then, that Visine on my bikini area should be helpful in some way. But dare I risk my defiling my taint?"

Answer: Yes, the shaving cream works on glasses. Keep your defiled taint to yourself.

TFH shares a dated lesson: "The most important lesson I learned from my high school cross country coach was: your sleeves are not gloves. He was dismayed to see thumb holes in the lower sleeves of most of his runners."

Answer: Running gear today is too expensive to put holes in it ... says the guy who wants to drill holes in his shoes.

Big suggests an alternative to my advice: "If the 'run faster' isn't working, try the run shorter, it gets you home even quicker."

Answer: But then you might miss out on the exciting sensation of numb-face.

Xenia recognizes my brilliance, but asks a ridiculous question: "Well, aren't you Mr. Know-it-all. So, does this mean you're going to become a morning runner for the winter?"

Answer: No. (Duh!)

Ted reveals a peculiar penchant for lubrication: "If the weather gets miserably COLD, you can apply Vaseline over your face. It acts like an insulation. It works !"

Answer: Whatever floats your boat.

The Addicted Tiger suggests you keep warm by robbing a bank: "Like the tips about cold weather running ... I'm willing to try anything. But I will add one -- go out looking like you're going to rob a bank -- you'll prevent chronic bronchitis with the ski mask."

Answer: What kind of weapon do you suggest?

And as usual, Nitmos tries to brow beat me into treating my running shoes like trash: "Use them. And discard them. Stop being a wuss."

Answer: You see, Nitmos treats his objects like women.

Right Back at You
Lastly, I somehow stumbled into the Carnival of Running at Running Is Funny. Thanks a lot. Now, I'm paranoid that my hands are small and that I smell of cabbage.

Have a fine weekend, teammates. Good luck to all you racers out there. Run well and drink well.

10 comments:

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

Thanks for not editing out the extra "my" in my my second quoted comment. I meant to put it my there.

Vanilla said...

This post contains too much taint. A little taint is OK, but a lot of taint is not good.

Have a good weekend.

tfh said...

Happy weekend.

I am tired and slightly scarred from this post.

Some parts of the human anatomy just shouldn't have names.

Xenia said...

Trying to explain sarcasm to you would be futile, so I won't even bother. I'm also not going to touch your response to Nitmos' comment either though I'm sorely tempted.

Thanks for the earworm. Have a good weekend.

Big said...

it would be best to erase the entire taint discussion from my mind, but I don't know if I can.

Marcy said...

Ohhh the lovely perineum. You know that they actually advocate that pregnant ladies massage it with oil in their later weeks ROFLMAO! True, true. It's supposed to thin out your area so you don't rip in childbirth. Also, some Drs massage it for you while you're in labor. That is one massage that DOES NOT feel good. I know you SO SO SO wanted to know that :P Did you puke a little?

Vava said...

Although you missed word "you" in quoting my comment, I still appreciate the effort you put into your Flashback Friday posts. Always entertaining, the more tainted the better!

Ms. V. said...

Tainted love. Great running song, especially if you're slow, like me.

Have a good weekend!

Jess said...

Have you seen "Baby Mama"? Oh man, there's a line in there that's related to Marcy's comment.

Fey: "She wants me to rub olive oil on your taint."

Poehler: "Can't I just spray it with Pam?"

Seriously, if you haven't seen it, rent it. Just for the Pam question.

Nitmos said...

You said 'pernineum.'