Bootlegged: Exclusive Interview!

Recently, the Viper was propositioned to participate in an interview with Interview as part of the magazine's series on bloggers with small audiences. What follows is an excerpt from the conversation, which will not appear in an upcoming issue due to space limitations.

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Interview: Is the Booze Hounds Running Team a real organized group?
Viper: You mean, like, with official T-shirts? I subscribe to the Groucho Marx philosophy that I'd rather not belong to group that would have me as a member. I think of Team BHI more like a demographic of people who temper their enthusiasm for physical destruction with vigorous exercise.

I: Do you ever worry about offending or alienating your readers?
V: I've tried, and they still won't go away.

I: What inspires you to run?
V: Sunny days. Very fast predators. Pretty women. A beer shortage. The occasional race.

I: What prompted you to combine boozing and running?
V: It's like mixing a cocktail. You start with boozing, add running for flavor, and then shake and overindulge.

I: I guess that makes the Booze Hounds Inc. Running Team the projectile vomit in that analogy.
V: I guess that makes you the clever journalist.

I: You talk a lot in your blog about post-run drinking. Do you ever run while drinking?
V: I occasionally run home from the bar, but I would never risk spilling a beverage unless the police were chasing me.

I: What are your favorite beverages?
V: Scotch and beer primarily.

I: What about after a run?
V: A very cold and very tall draft beer.

I: Tell me about the strangest alcoholic beverage you ever drank?
V: There was this old bottle of liqueur that was only ever served as a rite of passage for children of a certain age. I remember watching the older kids swallowing this drink, called Unicum, which had made its way to the United States by way of a vacation in Eastern Europe. The bottle looked like a cartoon bomb, round and black with a red and white cross on the front, which resembled the Red Cross logo. You've never seen such faces, worse than tequila face. I was the youngest and by the time I was of age, the Unicum had been forgotten. That is, until I opened my mouth. The bottle resurfaced and by then it was at least 10 years old. I would guess more like 15. There were these little black beetle-like bugs floating in it. I've never seen anything like them before or since. They reminded me of earwigs, but without the pincers and they had this translucent stripe on their backs. Well, now it was a challenge. Would I still drink it, bugs and all? Well, I guess you know the answer to that.

I: How did it taste?
V: Not bad. At first. Ever had Campari? Comparably unpleasant. The aftertaste, especially. They both have a sort of Chloraseptic flavor that is better enjoyed when avoided.

I: What is your least favorite beverage?
V: I don't see the point in light beer.

I: Is there any booze you can't drink?
V: Rum and I broke up long ago. I like gin, but gin doesn't like me.

I: Any stories to go along with those?
V: Yes, but nothing that any pedestrian readers can't imagine on their own.

I: You have recently healed from a running injury that you blamed on a hangover. Have you suffered other drinking related injuries?
V: If you had brought your photographer, we could have shown my scars. Here, on my forehead, I got this when my friend offered me a couch to crash on for the night. Being the literalist that I am, I fell into the metal -- it was a futon -- the metal armrest. I fell asleep clutching my head in pain. I woke up to a large blood stain on the pillow. Now, take a look at my thumbs, see how the left one is narrower than the other? I shaved the side of it off with a utility knife while cutting a piece of drywall. Beer was involved. After a trip to the emergency room for stitches, the thumb chunk was found on the basement floor.

I: What advice do you have for young running drunks out there?
V: If you're at the point that you're prepared to follow my advice, it's too late for you.

I: How long do you plan on blogging?
V: What are you trying to imply?

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Thanks to Interview for allowing me to post this brief passage. Don't forget to share your McMillanian expertise at the Team BHI Coaching Workshop.