The Major League Baseball season kicked off Sunday night, but nobody was paying attention to the two Texas-based teams playing. Tonight, my team begins the season in Toronto, against a guy who'll likely make the batters look like they're swatting at flies as the ball floats past them for strike three.
The Cleveland nine will get a head start at leading the league in strikeouts, with that knuckleballer on the mound, while I try to see how difficult it is to play "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" on the fiddle. Because nothing goes better with baseball than fiddle music. Except beer. And peanuts. And hot dogs. But especially beer.
Beer fuels the enthusiasm for your team's success and soothes the pain of my team's demise. Beer tightens the spirit of comradery and loosens the lips that sink ships. And finally, beer strengthens my argument for why the Yankees suck. And nothing makes the national pastime more enjoyable than hating on the Bronx Bumblers.
My morning commute was suffused with joy when an NPR commentator called the Pukes in Pinstripes a "M.A.S.H. unit" because of all their star players who open the season on the disabled list. And guess which team Cleveland plays for their home opener next week? I'm crossing my fingers for a rerun of this game.
But oh yeah, beer.
This has got to be a metaphor for how the Yankees operate. This season, Yankee Stadium unveiled a new beer stand, called "The Craft Beer Destination." Finally, beer enthusiasts were also welcome at the House That Jeter Built. These hop-fans get four — I repeat, FOUR (1-2-3-4!) — selections of "CRAFT BEER," emphasis on the craft. As in, crafty. As in, you shyster bastards.
These four "craft beers" include Blue Moon, Batch 19 Lager, Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy and Crispin Cider. All four of these selections are produced by macrobrewer MillerCoors, and two of them aren't even beers.
Beer enthusiastic baseball fans often must swallow their hopped-up pride and drink the cheap swill sold at 400 percent mark-up in most stadiums. Team BHI long ago embraced "Your Dad's Beer" stand at Progressive Field, which sells the likes of Stroh's, Blatz, Schaefer, Genesee and Pabst Blue Ribbon, among others.
If you want good beer, Great Lakes Brewery and a few other Ohio-based breweries have options available, but you're going to have to pay for this luxury. What's the point of paying more for a beverage than you do for a ticket to the game?
The whole idea of "craft" beer has become a marketing scheme, anyway, with big beer manufacturers releasing beers aimed at people who think Blue Moon is a microbrew. Stick a lemon in it and call it a "Belgian White" beer, and the drunken sheep will follow you to the slaughter. Let the Yankees be your shepherd.
[Hat tip: Deadspin]